The season of ghouls and things that go bump in the night is upon us once again. This means Lost Highway is digging up another list of some must see horror films to check out when all your trick or treaters have gone to bed. So turn off the porch lights early, blow out the candles in your Jack-o-Laterns, and get your big bowl of left over candy corn to sit down and watch these haunting tales.

Retroman Steve gives his top 5

1. Trick ‘r Treat

Delayed for nearly 2 years and hyped to the hilt as the perfect Halloween film, It was doubtful it was going to live up to expectations or even see any type of domestic release. Well it’s finally here and I can unequivocally say “yes” it’s hype worthy and truly garners a honored place among classics like the original Halloween, Night of the Demons, and even It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. I’m proud to say that Trick ‘r Treat is my newest halloween tradition. Creepshow and Tales from the Crypt comparison aside, it does take it’s own direction with multiple tales of “All Hallows” eve creepingly interwoven. It earns praise more on great atmosphere and wonderful storytelling that outright scares or gore though you’ll find a few moments in it that are downright frightening mostly revolving around a school bus. But I really enjoyed it’s fun matinee horror that I haven’t seen in many films lately.

This is a modern horror fairy tale that understands the true essence of what Halloween is  and that essence takes the physical form of Sam. Sam is a little halloween demon in disguise that defends the holiday’s tradition with dire consequences for anyone that breaks the rules. Freddy, Jason, Pinhead, Leatherface and now we have Sam. You’d think they could have come up with a scarier name. But make no mistake Sam is a vicious little guy that won’t stop until he gets what he wants. My advice keep a bowl of candy always at the ready. This is a pretty recent direct to dvd release with plenty of good reviews around the web so it’s likely you’ve already seen it but for the few of you that have been on volunteer duty in Equador it’s time to get caught up. See it and I guarantee it’ll give you that warm fuzzy feeling like a big jack-o-latern glowing in your heart. Also check out the cartoon extra on the DVD. It’s a hand drawn short animated film that inspired the full length feature lovingly crafted by the director Michael Dougherty . Trick ‘r Treat is a fantastic little piece of halloween horror that should be a part of any horror buff’s collection.

2. Magic

The commercial for this movie played on televison in the late 70’s during some saturday morning cartoons much to the horror of the children everywhere watching it at the time. Parent complaints flooded the TV stations as they were in an uproar over a creepy little ventriloquist doll talking about evil hocus pocus and death while the kids were watching the Smurfs. I fortuntately missed that early childhood scaring opportunity as I must have been watching Soul Train instead. Hey It’s where I learned to dance like the funky white boy that I am, but I did check it out the commercial on YouTube and was very intrigued with what I saw.

Anthony Hopkins in his pre Silence of the Lambs phase shows his early chops as a deranged psychopath/failed magician named Corky. After many lame cards tricks, his newest ventriloquist act with Fats the foul mouth puppet becomes a huge hit. Soon the promise of TV fame comes knocking on his door but fearing his his mental disease may get exposed, he disappears into upper state New York instead. Corky finds an isolated town and his highschool sweetheart/resident crazy lady Ann Margaret renting out cabins. Somehow she’s impressed by his comb over hair and lack of social skills and soon they fall in love. Unfortunately she’s still married and despite him always having his hand up the rear end of a wood doll things get even more creepy as Corky continues his downward spiral into madness. An interesting fact, the doll was actually designed by Disney but that company would cut ties with being involved with the film as it was all too dark and twisted to have their seal of approval. Sure Disney you won’t be associated with that horror film but then you’ll make Herbie the Love Bug. Magic was and is a great psychological thriller but never did well in the box office and missed out on any of that Oscar buzz due to all that early negative press. Definitely some great performances all around as Fats terrifying voice will be stuck in your head long after. Who is really the puppet pulling the strings is never quite clear but this is a very well crafted thriller that I highly recommend.

3. One Dark Night

A pre-breast enhanced Meg Tilly stars in this great 80’s gem about a deceased evil psychic recently buried in the town’s Mosoluem. He’s just waiting around for a group of teenagers that he can zap some brain juice from so that he can return from the dead. Meg’s character Julie is happy to oblige when she decides to spend the night there as part of a highschool gang initiation. Shiny purple club jackets apparently gave you a lot of street cred back then. Little does she realize that a few of her friends are going to crash the party and to give her a good fright including resurrected floating zombies on strings and ineffectual boyfriends on motorcylces who get tossed around like muppets.

Surprisingly a creepy film once the dead start to rise despite their dry cleaned and pressed appearance. Even the Dark Knight himself Adam West makes a cameo sans tights and bat utility belt as an alcoholic husband. Not sure if this was such an acting stretch. Give One Dark Night a try for a good Halloween fright film and be sure to read the full review here.

4. The Burning

How did this movie slip by my slasher radar in the 80’s. My SLASHdar as I’d like to call it, can detect great slashers simply from a quick glance of the back of a VHS box covers from up to 300 ft. away. But “The Burning” had totally gotten by and I only viewed it recently based on some positive talk about it on the Twittersphere. Well Friday the 13th should pay back some royalties to these guys because The Burning does everything right all the way through and in some ways is a better film than Friday. A psychopath on a vengful kiling spree, characters you actually care about, decent acting, and a river kill scene that shocks you to the core. The strength of this film rests on it’s plausibility and sense of impending dread as Cropsy the dark shrowded killer offs these teens in increasingly brutal fasion. You’ll never feel comfortable around a gardner with pruning sheers again…well you’ll feel even less comfortable and the forboding atmosphere is punctuated with a great soundtrack from Rick Wakeman who played in the rock band Yes. Everything hits the right note of perfect b-movie fright and slashertude. Yeah I just made up another b-movie term “slashertude” the attitude of a pefect slasher film. Pass it on.

5. Let the Right One in

One thing I thought we could do with a little less these days was vampire flicks. I think the last good one I saw involved Corey Haim pushing a vampire into a bathtub of holy water. Then came Twilight and all it’s Transylvania 90210 cheesiness and that put the proverbial nails in the coffin for vampire flicks for me. Hesitatingly I gave “let the Right one in” a foreign vampire film a last chance since it was referred to me by @chrisbanzai. Hey the man has got great taste in hats so I was hoping that would translate to great taste in vampire flicks. Ding ding ding we have a winner! Even though it’s from Swedish subtitled and I hate reading my movies this one is is actually quite engrossing (with an emphasis on the gross) and was more of a slow burning horror film that delves a lot into the character relationship rather than just going for the throat which is also does quiet well.

The story revolves around Oskar, a swedish boy who one night meets another neighborhood kid named Eli. Eli is a quiet girl who also happens to be a neck sucking vampire hell beast, but in a kind and thoughtful way. When Oskar isn’t making modular furniture, he’s bullied by kids at school but fortunately his new girlfriend can remove their head with a good right hook and also clean up the mess afterwards. Oh if only I had dated Eli in highschool and I could have avoided all those times stuffed in a locker smelling like a gym bag. The atmosphere in this one is bleak and while the acts of Eli are horrifying you’ll find it difficult not to sympathize with her and the relationship these two have. A good story about growing up and how it can be a pain in the neck..literally. Retroman says check it out.

Drive-in Dan gives his top 5.

1. Night of the Demons

Don’t bother to RSVP for the upcoming remake, and just check out director Kevin Tenney’s horror classic from the 80’s.  You are invited for a get-together at Hull House on Halloween night, so don’t forget to dress up in your favorite costume. Your sexy hostess for the night will be Angela.  But there’s one thing that I should tell you about her: she’s a demon in disguise who has a taste for human souls.  And word has it that she steals souls by kissing.  So if she tries to give you a smooch, just play it safe and go with a handshake instead.  This is a great film to watch on Halloween.  For starters it takes place on the spookiest night of the year.  Then there is the eerie animated opening title sequence that sets the mood for the whole movie.  And I can’t forget to mention a couple of freaky visuals like a possessed Angela floating down the hallway looking for more victims, and scream queen, Linnea Quiggley, doing a magic trick involving a tube of lipstick.  Plus, the director’s brother, Dennis Michael Tenney, contributes a great electro-synth soundtrack that gives what’s happening onscreen another layer of creepiness. Read a full review here.

2. Lighting Bug

Green Graves (sounds like a tv horror host) is a young makeup effects prodigy who creates thrills and chills using clay and latex.  Unfortunately he’s stuck in a pint-sized town filled with small-minded people who don’t recognize or appreciate his creative abilities.  However, things start to look up for Green when he lands his dream gig designing and creating nightmarish creatures and effects at the “Spook House”, a local haunted house attraction where he lives.  Shortly thereafter he meets his first love, Angevin (Laura Prepon), who works at a video store and shares his passion for horror movies.  But soon he is faced with real-life monsters (an abusive stepfather, and a religious nutjob) who are more teriffying than any of his made-up creations and stand in the way of his becoming a makeup effects star in Hollywood.  Will Green survive small town life, or will the misguided townsfolk crush his childhood dream?  I won’t say what happens; you’ll just have to watch the movie to find out.  Director and accomplished special effects artist Robert Hall (”Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) really succeeds in making a heartfelt masterpiece that is at times funny, and at others very distrubing, with his first trip behind the camera.  And from what I’ve read, some of the events in this movie may have been based on Hall’s real life.  This movie does for small towns what “Jaws” did for public beaches.

3. Phantasm

A teenager named Mike discovers that something very distrubing is happening over at the local mortuary, and it’s not how much they are charging for funerals.  Turns out a towering and mysterious figure with Dracula’s sense of style called the Tall Man is snatching the town’s dead from their graves, and turning them into hoodie-wearing half-pints of terror in a desparate attempt to supply workers for the Red Planet he calls home.  Now there has to be a better way to find employees…  Hasn’t this guy ever heard of Manpower?  Anyway, to help carry out his diabolical scheme, the evil undertaker has a floating Christmas tree ornament gone wild that is armed like a Swiss Army Knife and will kill anyone who tries to stop him.  Director Don Coscarelli and actor Reggie Bannister, who stars as the heroic, balding ice cream vendor–also named Reggie, became instant celebrities among horror fans after doing this film.  And Angus Scrimm’s onscreen presence and bone-chilling peformance as the Tall Man makes him one of the most original and creepiest horror villians ever.  A word of warning, though: don’t try to figure out the plot because you’ll probably give yourself an anneurism trying to make sense of what’s happening on screen.

4. Warlock

A time traveling Warlock (Julian Sands) racks up some serious frequent flyer miles trying to track down a puzzle book for his daddy, the Devil, that supposedly contains God’s true identity.  He needs the Big Guy’s real name so that he can undo all of his hard work.  You know that whole “creation” thing.  But Warlock better hurry up and find the book because a 16th century bounty hunter has followed him to the future, and it’s not to tell him that he just saved 200 pounds on his sorcerer’s insurance by switching to Geico.  Now, I don’t understand why the Wiz didn’t just wait and get a copy of the book off of eBay, or from a rare/used bookstore; he could have saved himself a lot of trouble.  The movie contains some cheesy goodness in the effects department; features a dark and campy performance by Julian Sands in the title role; and an effective music score by the late Jerry Goldsmith.  Steve Miner, who directed “Friday the 13th” parts 2 and 3 creates a fun little horror movie with a supernatural theme that should get you in the Hallowen spirit.

5. Nightmare on Elmstreet 3: Dream Warriors

Finally–a sequel that won’t divide the horror community.  Most fans will agree that this installment is as good as the original, or even better.  Wes Craven comes aboard to co-write the script, bringing the series back to its roots, and as a result helps to create one of my favorite ‘Nightmare on Elm Street” sequels and horror movies in general.  The story has Freddy, the man of your nightmares, taking care of some unfinished business by going after the last remaining Springwood children.  But things won’t be so easy for Mr. Burnt Cheeseface because the group of teens are at a pysch ward (Westin Hills), and they have the power to use their imaginations to become Dream Warriors.  Fans will be happy to know that Nancy from the original ‘Nightmare on Elm Street” returns, but can she and the kids finally put Freddy to sleep for good, or will he channel their inner demons and get the best of them?  This installment features creative dream sequences like the one where Kreuger rips a guy’s arteries out and controls him like a puppet.  ”Nightmare on Elm Street 3″ does deliver some laughs as the scarred and crispy one shows his sense of humor by saying some hilarously dark one-liners, but don’t worry–he doesn’t do a stand-up routine like he does in later films.

I’ve always had a fascination with the drive-in culture and mythos. Those times of watching a great b-movie out under the stars and making that long walk to the snack shop for that buttery snack are some of my best  teenage memories. I’ve gathered quite a few books about their history so a few years back when I ran across a novel with the “Drive-in” in it’s title, I had to give it read. It’s described as a living B-movie where the patrons of a drive-in become characters in a b-movie and are being directed by some malevolent alien forces. That sounded like fun campy storytelling to me and even it’s book cover suggested a sort of “Hitchhiker’s Guide” silliness. Don’t be fooled. This book is dark, twisted and bleak. Blood cults, cannibalism and the worse of humanity take root as societal norms break down and the horrifying popcorn king begins it’s reign of terror. Lansdale’s descriptive storytelling and compelling characters made it’s somber outlook on society all that more visceral to me. I found myself more trying to endure it’s twisted story than be entertained by it. I even had to take a break and watch a sitcom just to have a warm fuzzy feeling again. Retroman Steve says check it out but you’ll likely never look at drive-in popcorn the same way again.

Did you ever hear the conspiracy theory that a small elite group of people are actually running all the world’s governments? A secret society dictating world trade and policy decisions from the confines of a undisclosed location deep inside a underground bunker? Well it’s obviously true because I read it on the Internet.

Consider the League of Tana Tea Drinkers the equivalent to this in the horror blogsphere. A secret society whose powerful members have no finger prints, greet each other with elaborate hand shakes and can speak in an ancient dialect. They are a small select group of the horror blogging elite, the crème de la crème, and by gosh they just went and picked a b-movie watchin’ redneck to join their club. Yes the rumors are true, Lost Highway has officially been invited into the fold and we’re happier than a tornado in a trailer park to be here. It’s a huge honor to be a part of this talented group of passionate writers who exemplify excellence in the genre and we look forward to contributing our own brand of creative commentary. Now if you excuse me I need to check the mailbox to see if my members only secret decoder ring has come in yet.

“Be sure to drink your Tana Tea”

Are you bummed because you are too old to go “trick-or-treating”? Or are you getting stressed out because you still don’t know who you are dressing up as for that Halloween party? Well, fear not folks, a little ghost just told me about a truly awesome promotion from Fright-Rags that should get you in the Halloween spirit and also solve your costume dilemma. Ben from Fright-Rags and his team are celebrating Halloween in a HUGE way! During the month of October customers who place an order will receive some truly “screamtastic” goodies like movies, action figures, and gift certificates just to name a few. So head on over to www.fright-rags.com for more info about prizes and this great giveaway!

Well for the 3 or 4 of you I haven’t spammed with this email or twitter yet, I was a presenter at Ignite Lansing last friday. My challenge was to stand in front of 500 people to talk about B-movie survival. Ever see a deer in headlights? It’s a similar sight when a b-movie geek stands in front of bunch of strangers. Surprisingly it went really well and by gosh I even won an award for my presentation.  An engraved glass mug that I can proudly keep my b-movie beef jerky in for my late night slasher marathons! huzzah! I had a blast and look forward to next years even for which I already have a topic lined up. You can watch a video of the presentation below.

So last week I got a call at 4 in the morning “Steve this is Drive-in Dan. Do you know what day it is?” I still could barely understand the concept that I was using a phone.  ”It’s Tuesday and this dream really sucks.” I said grogily.  ”Yeah but It’s a very important Tuesday! Today marks the 3 year anniversary of Lost Highway! Can you believe it?” to which I responded “Who is this? and how many pixie sticks you been sniffin?”  ”I’ve cut back to 43 but that’s besides the point. We need to do a contest and give away something cool!” I thought about it for a while. “hello?” he said after a long moment of silence. “I think I got some pop-tarts and a extra tire gauge still in the wrapper. I’ll give them to you if you go away now and let me sleep you strange voice in my head.” “Don’t worry I’ll come up with it…you just sit back and watch the awesome. Gotta go…got to get the reels ready for tonights drive-in… oh and build a walk in shower. Bye!” At that point I believe my snoring drowned out the dialtone.

3 years old…wow that’s like 30 in Internet years. That makes the site so old that I just might go ahead retire now and collect some of that sweet social security the government’s been promising me. Good days are ahead my friends. Yes I’ll now be able to drive with my blinker on all the time and blurt out inappropriate things at parties. People will just be like “oh he’s an old blogger.” and nod their head in sympathy. You young kids with all your Twitterings and Facebookies…I remember when all we had were websites and email and we liked it that way

There are other benefits to being an old blogger. I can get get a handicap parking permit for the strip clubs and senior discounts at any of the local golden shovel buffets. Finally I’ll be able to get my money’s worth without having to be over 300 pounds. “Sorry No room for dessert I just got done eating 3 pounds of ham.” Yes it’ll be a cornacopia of geriatrics and gluttony. I suspect many senior citizens actually live there and just cycle back through the lines.

So I might just stay there or maybe there’s a nice retirement center that specializes in old b-movie bloggers? A place where people like me that can rattle off movie quotes for any occasion. Where movie nights consist of beasts, breasts, and blood. Where board games meet hardcore drinking. Where shuffle board and vodka end in someone breaking a hip. Where Walker fights break over Lipitor deals gone bad and senile gangs start turf wars. “Yeah you see Warriors that’s what you get when ya mess with the Orphans!”

Yes it’ll be a special day when Retroman hits the retirement scene so until then here’s to 30 more years of Lost Highway sheninigans and to future Lost Movie nights at the Shadey Twin Pines Senior Center. I hope to see ya there. Now get the hell of my lawn!

Speaking of senior citizen discounts, in Death Race 2000 old people are the top point getters for hit and runs in the Transcontinental Road Race. Surprisingly even more points than teenagers?! This must be the FUTURE! America is run by a fascists emperor calling himself the president and France has ruined the world …like we all knew it would. The only entertainment for the masses without American Idol re-runs is a race across country pitting 5 cars against each other and any people stupid enough to be jay walking. Consider it an evolution of NASCAR but now the drivers can take out the fans in the Walmart parking lot for big bonus points. David “I know kung-fu” Carradine and Sylvester “I don’t say Adriane anymore” Stallone star in this tale of competitive vehicular homocide. Mr. Caradine fresh from TV decided the best career move was to dress up in a S&M outfit and drive a lizard car. Surprisingly it worked for him. He plays the legendary frankenstein race car driver whose body has been rumored to be reconstructed from used Maytag dryer parts and duct tape allowing him not only shift the car at lightening speed but to dry his own cloths while wearing them. So big Frank and his bombshell beauty copilot Anne (Simone Griffeth) race across country against free-wheelin nazis and blood thirsty cowboys in cars with steer horns for the coveted winners circle. 1st place gets you a hand shake with the president but no commercial endorsements. that’s a whole lotta of chaffing and talcum powder for sitting in a race car that long. Little do people realize Frank has other intentions that don’t involve ads for viagra and plans to blow up the president with a makeshift “Hand” gernade himself. Meanwhile a group of revolutionaries dressed in blue jumpsuits hang around watching TV and plot to destroy the race and replaced Frankenstein with a more pudgy decoy. They learn It’s hard to fake anorexia and Frankenstein foils their plans numerous times while avoiding all their other Willy coyote trappings.*

The racers eventually take a pit stop at their 70’s local civic center and get all nekkid and massaged by big sides of Beef with fake tans. So many boobies! Stallone who plays Machine Gun Joe has a deep hatred of Frankenstein whom he thinks has been stealing the races and taking all his glory. Maybe if Joe stopped gunning down his fans or running over his pit crew he might be a bit more liked. At one point he gets in a scuffle with bean pole carradine when he’s found trying to choke Ann. Big Frank easily kicks Joe’s butt with his patent slow-mo kung-fu but I personally fault Joe’s pink tie. Guys in pink tennis sweaters wrapped around their necks also get beaten regularly. It’s really an epidemic.

Frankenstein later takes out a good dozen or so nurses and doctors at a local drive-thru hospital purposely missing those big scoring old folks parked on the street. He also takes a quick detour to run over the head of his fan club and then peels out on the pope to rack up some major pointage. Yes this is our hero ladies and gentlemen. He runs over medical personal, clergy, and his favorite fans. Later he drugs Annie with some tainted Gatoraide just in time to get dive bombed by a prop plane whose aiming skills is on par with a Glaucomic Barney Fiffe . Racers start getting offed left and right mostly through their own stupidity and it all culminates to  a showdown with the evil Mr. president. Asta la veto baby.

Roger Corman produced this film and actually though this movie would be a disaster when he first read the concept thinking it would be “just too dark and vile.” Luckily the director Paul Bartel convinced him otherwise and knew to take it in a more satirical direction. The result was pure b-movie gold. It’s one of my all time favorite b-movies as well as my first review I did for Lost Highway. So grab your leather jumpsuit and talcum powder and check out “Death Race 2000.”

- Multiple hit and runs
- 3 car explosions with crash and burn
- 6 breasts
- 1 “hand” gernade
- 1 explodo-toddler
- Black leather chaffing
- Homicidal bowling
- Bull fighting
- Exploding head fu
- Fly fishing fu

9.7 out of 10

“Myra, some people might think you’re cute, but I happen to think you’re a very large baked potato.” Wow…a big slam on potatoes everywhere. I’m sure they got letters from people in Idaho.

*ACME in no way endorses this movie or the use of their products and patent ideas for road runner capture.

Check out the trailer for Death Race 2000

Before getting his butt kicked by a chick with telekinetic powers in “The New Blood”, or taking a cruise to the big apple in “Jason Takes Manhattan”, Director/writer Tom McLoughlin takes a cue from Dr. Frankenstein and resurrects Jason and the “Friday the 13th” franchise with his entry, “Jason Lives.”

Tommy Jarvis, who’s on a weekend pass from the nuthouse, decides to go visit an old family friend at a cemetery that he hasn’t seen for several years. During the short drive over we find out that the old family friend is Jason Voorhees. Man, he should have gone to Disneyland. There’s no need to worry about Jason; he’s as dead as Vanilla Ice’s rap career. After pulling into the cemetery Tommy jumps out of his truck along with Allen Hawes (Ron Padillo), and they start searching for ol’ Wormface’s grave like they’re on some kind of demented Easter egg hunt. Soon they come across a headstone with the name Jason Voorhees on it, but Tommy, for some crazy reason, doesn’t think he’s found the right grave and wants to make a positive I.D. Seriously? How many people named Jason Voorhees would be buried in the local cemetery anyway? Hawes doesn’t think this is a good idea and throws a brief hissy-fit. But he doesn’t want to risk loosing his ride home, so he and Tommy grab shovels and they start digging “Raiders of the Lost Ark”-style until they reach the top of the coffin. Shortly after popping off the casket lid like a can of Pringles, Tommy gets blind-sided by a childhood flashback (audio only) of him tenderizing Jason’s meat suit with a machete.

Without warning he “snaps” and grabs the nearest metal object and heads back to Jason’s coffin. This is just great! Now we have a crazy guy stabbing a dead corpse with a metal pole during a t-storm in a “Friday the 13th” movie–oh, man–this can’t be good. And before you can say, “Chi-chi-chi-cha-cha-cha,” lighting strikes the metal pole sticking out of the dead psycho’s body, and Jason lives. Hawes sees Jason and pauses just long enough to have a “girl moment”, and then disappears offscreen. I really don’t understand what the big deal is. So what? He saw a walking corpse… It’s not like he just saw Rosie O’ Donnell in a two-piece micro-bikini. Now THAT’S freakin’ SCARY!

Tommy quickly realizes that he has dug up a very big problem (ya think?) and grabs a can of gasoline that I had seen earlier, and starts splashing it all over Jason, who is slowly advancing towards him like he has rigor mortis or something. Tommy then strikes a match and is about to make a “Jason S’more-hees” when–what-da-ya-know–it rains and puts the match out. Now this wouldn’t have happened had Tommy used REI Storm matches. And I can tell by the, “Oh, crap! What do I do now?!” look on his face that he’s fresh out of ideas. Fortunately for him though, Allen returns onscreen with new-found courage and a Plan B, which consists of running up behind Jason while yelling a Braveheart-ish battle cry, and whacking him across the head with a shovel. Now for a second there I thought Jason was going to have to sit out another movie. But aside from a couple of cobwebs getting knocked out of place, ol’ Coffin Breath wasn’t phased one bit. Not the same can be said for a stunned Hawes, who gets killed before the movie’s opening credits. I guess Ron Palillo (Hawes) had to leave early for a “Welcome Back Kotter” reunion.

After Tommy speeds off to the police station to get reinforcements, a lightning-fast Jason makes up for lost time spearing, impaling, crushing, and hacking his was way towards a personal best and franchise high body count. When he’s not having stare-downs and showdowns with Sheriff Garris, he likes to mug for the camera, do James Bond tributes, and enjoy the lakeside scenery while taking power walks through the woods.

Tommy stays busy in the movie getting thrown in jail, falling in love, doing a little B&E (breaking and entering), being suspected of murder, and running from the law. But somewhere during all of this our crazy friend amazingly finds the time to buy and then read a couple of step-by-step books that tell him exactly how to kill Jason. Now this sounds too good to be true, and it is–because the hockey-mask-wearing fiend has already signed on to do five more movies after this one. But I don’t think Tommy knows about this because he and Megan are still preparing for Jason’s big send-off.

Later that night they all meet up at the camp for a wet and wild threesome in the middle of the lake. It’s not what you think… But don’t worry about Jason adding you to his already impressive body count because, trust me, Tommy and Megan are keeping him very busy this time around. So you’re safe wherever you watch the action. And besides, once Tommy drops anchor on the USS Voorhees at the bottom of Crystal Lake, courtesy of some steel chain and a boulder the size of an asteroid, ol’ Jason won’t be going anywhere until the next sequel.

This is your typical “Friday the 13th” movie minus the scares, nudity and gore of earlier films. Director McLoughlin doesn’t even attempt to scare the audience with “Jason Lives.” His installment is about as terrifying as an episode of “Goosebumps.” But I’ll take an un-scary “Friday the 13th” film any day over a ridiculous sequel like “Jason Goes to Hell” that has a body-jacking Jason who eats an evil heart (what???) and swaps spit and Hell Slugs with his victims.

Another bummer is that this movie has zero nudity which means you’ll just have to wait until the next sequel “The New Blood” to see any hot chicks take their clothes off. To me having a “Friday the 13th” film without any nudity is like having Mork without Mindy, or Michael Knight being without his car buddy, KITT. I mean c’mon, this isn’t an episode of “7th Heaven”, it’s a horror movie, so let’s see some skin. The closest it gets is seeing Megan, the very talented Jennifer Cooke, sporting a pair of 80’s jeans that are so tight, the seams can be heard crying “uncle.” And for anyone out there who has a bare knee fetish, you should definitely get your fix whenever Cort appears on screen with his knees falling out of his ripped jeans. The movie doesn’t have a lot of gore, either, except when Jason shows his creative side and does his version of a Jackson Pollock painting using a female counselor’s blood and gooey insides. At least “Jason Lives” has a couple of really cool kills. Like when Maggothead himself gets a three-for-one decapitation using a pimped-out chrome machete. Another one has the undead psycho evening the score with the sheriff when he snaps him in half like a cheap number two pencil after their second showdown. Now that’s what I call a tiebreaker! The next kill reminded me of when I used to pull the heads off my cousin’s Barbie dolls. It involves a female counselor who gets her head ripped off after making the fatal mistake of pouring lemon and lime soda over Wormface’s head. I guess Jason prefers Pepsi.

The cast is fairly bland by “Friday the 13th” standards. Even the usual crop of walking cliches isn’t here. But there is one character named Martin who really stands out. If you liked Crazy Ralph from Parts 1 & 2, and Edna from “A New Beginning”, then you will definitely get a kick out of this crusty caretaker. When he isn’t involved in cover-ups over at the local cemetery where he works, he can be overheard serenading his bottle of hooch, affectionately named Kathleen. Sadly though, while walking home from work one night, Martin meets his end and gives fans a great death scene that has Jason using a broken bottle to tap his neck like a keg of beer. This gives new meaning the old saying “the bottle killed him.”

For a franchise that suffers from advanced sequel-itis, the acting is surprisingly solid. The group of attractive female camp counselors are believable as friends working at a summer camp. Even the sheriff and deputy act like they’ve known each other for years. Thom (I haven’t had an acting gig in years) Mathews gives a credible performance as a troubled young man who still has a major case of Jason on the brain. This sequel has the best production values of any movie in the series. We get some creepy opening shots of fog floating across the lake and crawling along the ground that reminded me of the classic horror movie “The Wolfman.” It’s just a shame that director McLoughlin didn’t build on this atmosphere and create a film full of thrills and chills. However, on a positive note, resident “Friday the 13th” composer Harry Manfredini is back with a brand new and totally awesome sounding score to celebrate Jason’s return. Now, as far as I’m concerned, a “Friday the 13th” movie just isn’t a “Friday the 13th” movie if Manfredini isn’t doing the music.

In the end I still enjoyed seeing the real Jason back onscreen (Roy doesn’t count), but I just like Jason better when he kills you with a machete, and not with humor.

- Extreme swimming in skin-tight jeans
- 3-for-1 decap attack
- 1 Pimped-out chrome machete
- Gratuitous display of knees
- 1 Frankenstein-esque resurrection
- Jason’s James Bond Tribute
- 1 Corpse covered in a “Fear Factor” Party Mix of creepy-crawlies
- 1 Boat propellor to the face
- 1 Power-walking undead killer
- 1 Machete covered in strawberry jam
- 1 Fried and furious undead psycho

Rated 8.3 out of 10

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Check out the trailer for Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives

Lost Highway would like to welcome the Msytical, Misty Wilkins as a guest reviewer to Lost Highway. ” I am an aspiring writer who loves Sci-Fi and is interested in crime drama, loves music and I have sarcastic wit. I like to write about various subjects. I realized writing is something I am meant to do, so I decided to follow my dream.” You can follow Misty on twitter @mystica43229 and visit her blog at mistysmusings.wordpress.com.

I have never eaten shrooms and I also have never been keen on trampling through pastures sifting through cow patties to find them either. Now, I am sure there are some people out there that will do anything to fuzz their mind off. They feel like getting a little crazy; hopefully see a pink unicorn dancing with a big blue elephant or perhaps run around naked feeling like they are dancing with Lucy in the sky with diamonds. I am sure they will go far out into the boonies for that trip, but to Ireland? A little extreme perhaps? Maybe Ireland’s shrooms have a better experience?

Some teens decide to take a trip to the land of the Leprechaun to find some shrooms and trip the light fantastic. Of course, one teenager’s main reason for going is for a stud she met while on a trip and wants to see him again. I don’t know about you, but if a guy I barely know asked me and my friends to go to Ireland to find poop laden psychedelic fungi in the woods, a red flag would immediately rise. Nothing good happens in the woods in the middle of nowhere in a foreign land right? Riiight…

The cast is filled with the typical characters in a teen slasher film in the woods; you have the good girl in love, her stud and tour guide, the hippy chick who doesn’t shave her pits, the hippy chick’s idiot boyfriend, the jock and the slut. On their journey to their campsite, they hit a deer in the road and immediately, the strange dwellers of the woodlands come out to collect the dead deer. Yes, the dwellers are creepy looking; they have no teeth, are very dirty and speak a very strange local language. The stud tells the group to move on and leave them alone. No problem.

Once at the site, which is beautiful by the way, they begin their hunting for shrooms. The lady in love eats a shroom (called a deathcap that induces rage, gives you foresight and makes you be able to contact the dead if you survive the initial seizure) that her lover/guide tells them specifically not to eat because of those facts. What does she go and do later?

Yes, you are right; she eats it, gets very sick and starts having crazy dreams… The rest of the group trips as well on the “good” shrooms, starts telling campfire tales of the nearby abandoned catholic school and other local myths that starts to get their minds racing. But, after that, pure chaos ensues. The jock decides to go off in the woods at night and then the carnage begins… I have to admit, the tripping scenes are great. For a movie of this caliber, the special effects are pretty good. Strange beings in the shadows are hunting them down one by one in gory fashion.
(Are they the strange dwellers they saw before? Or is it something different?) Oh, so much blood and guts and a lot of running and literally tripping through the woods.

Are all of these killings in their minds? Is it really happening? Is something really picking them off one by one?

Shrooms was produced by Paddy McDonald and Robert Walpole directed by Paddy Breathnach and written by Pearse Elliott and was limitedly released in February of 2008. Surprisingly, Shrooms is an entertaining movie. There are a lot of good gory moments, some sex and some humor. I still do not want to eat shrooms and camp out in the woods though.

- Axe to the head
- Hairy armpits
- Great trippy flashbacks
- Murder by a feral child
- Talking cow
- Insane monk

5.5 out of 10

Check out the trailer for Shrooms

Lost Highway would like to welcome the Syrin of Cinema, Krysha Syrin as a guest reviewer to Lost Highway. “My attraction to B-movies started merely a year ago, after entering college. After attending what was to later become a weekly movie night at a friend’s house, I realized how much I missed the silver screen. We watched Grindhouse and I was intrigued. I wanted to know the inspiration behind the film, the history of the bygone grindhouse generation. Weeks upon weeks of researching and interviews later led me to the true fans of the trade. Before I knew it, I was grabbing a Netflix subscription, scouring video stores, and getting my hands on all the B-movies and exploitation films I could.

Between attending classes and working towards a degree in Creative Writing, my spare time is spent viewing all sorts of films and trying to entice everyone I know to do the same.” You can check out her website as well as follow her on Twitter.

At first glance, Hobgoblins appears to be a strange off-shoot of Gremlins. Look again. Hobgoblins is a quirky mix of bad puppetry, bad acting, and an explosion of the 80s crammed into 90 minutes of non sci-fi torture.

The plot, should you ever find yourself forced to scrape one up off the bottom of this barrel, consists of a senile janitor named McCreedy who sends his interns off to their doom by trusting them to follow instructions and not investigate an unlocked, green-glowing vault. His latest janitorial protégé, Kevin, manages to free a “great evil” which McCreedy had tried to warn him about in sentence fragments but failed do to his senility.

Kevin attempts to correct his wrongdoing by wrangling up the Hobgoblin with his ragtag crew. Amy, his girlfriend with exceptionally high morals; Daphne, who thinks “morals” are a brand of condom; Daphne’s boyfriend, Nick, a war vet who probably got discharged for smuggling out grenades; and Kyle, female in-training.

At some point or another, the entire crew falls prey to the Hobgoblins cunning trickery, resulting in their arrival at Club Scum and the inevitable progression of the film further, much to any viewer’s dismay.

- Thugs
- Loose women
- Frigid women
- Spandex pushed to its limits
- Mortal Kombat: Garden tool edition
- Puppet-induced hallucinations
- Flailing
- Van rocking
- Extreme parking
- War flashbacks
- The plot (and let me know if you find it)

2.5 out of 10

Check out the trailer for Hobgoblins