” Santa says pull my finger.”

Prepare yourself for a mind-numbing knock down brawl of a Christmas and all without the need of gin and egg nog. The leaders of Mars (Martians because they wear green paint on their face) are concerned that all the children on their planet are depressed and watching far too much Earth TV. Instead of the obvious Ritalin prescriptions, they consult a creepy wise man who lives in some nearby caves. The old guy who looks and sounds like a 80 year old Screech from Saved By the Bell tells them their planet is in need of the large bearded fat man who only works once a year known as Santa Claus. The Martians attempt to kidnap the jolly old elf who probably laughs more than any typical drunk santa at a roadhouse bar should. After a foiled attempt to blast Santa and his two innocent children bystanders into the cold confines of space, they decide to enslave him on Mars and create automated machines that turn out toys faster than a sweat shop in China. Will Santa escape? Will the children get their toys? Will the evil Martian’s plans be stopped? Did you even read the title of the movie?…
Look for the goofy Martian named Dropo whose brain power is barely enough to warm toast. Also look for a man dressed in a polar bear suit. You’ll swear you’re hallucinating. Just try to get the jolly song of “Hooray for Santa Claus” out of your head. This little jewel can be crowned the worse Christmas movie ever. It is my gift you. Have yourself a very Swayze Christmas.
rated 1.9 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

The righteous Reverend Chumley has posted this entire movie on his video podcast for you to watch at his fantastic free b-movie podcast called the Cult of UHF. Watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians online for FREE.

” Oh, let’s have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year or we’ll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!”

As far as b-movies go I would consider this the Godfather of all bad movies. It’s so pure in it’s awfulness that it’s truly a masterpiece. This is the legendary story of a bouncer named James Dalton played by Patrick Swayze who confronts his inner demons while defending a small bar outside Kansas City from the evil Ben Gazzara. Dalton cool demener hides a raging anger that I believe resulted from a post dramatic Dirty Dancing disorder. He deals with rage through spouting wisdoms like “pain don’t hurt” or “it’s my way or the highway” and of course doing his Swayziest Tai-Chi. You know it’s going to be something special when a monster truck and plate glass windows are involved in a major plot point. Road House should be a standard by which all other bad movies should be judged. I consider it required viewing.

rated 9.9 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

“Dukes of Hazzard changed my life! Boss Hog is an American hero.”

Wow! not surprisingly Oscars were not be handed out to any of the Hell’s Angels back in 1969 for their stunningly accurate portrayals of themselves in this cheesy biker movie. Can’t say I’ve seen a lot of biker movies so this is my first toe in the water of slurred speeches, drunken brawls and endless footage of motorcycles cruises. The thin plot revolves around two badly dressed rich guys who decide to rob a casino just for “the kicks.” they plan to send the money back to the casino in the mail. Like somhow the casino will be “Oh that’s okay for stealing our cash…at least you returned it. do you need a hug?” The Hell’s Angels find out they’re being used and go after the two robbers in a un-thrilling bike race across the desert. I found it hard to figure out who to root for in this film as despicable characters are abound. However this movie’s saving grace is a great informative and hilarious commentary track from the b-movie guru Joe Bob Briggs and that helps makes the hurt go away.

rated 4.9 out of 10 for the movie…8.7 out of 10 with Job Bob Briggs commentary track turned on
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

“I’m the love doctor. Take two of me and call me in the morning.”

Now with more scrubbing cleansing power. The Bubble sounds like it would be the invasion of a giant household cleaner but that would be just be too obvious and probably more of a frightening story. This film made back in 1966 tells the tale of a couple (Michael and Deborah) and a not-so-great plane pilot (Tony) who make an emergency landing near a desolate town. The town’s inhabitants are a bit strange though even for midwesterners of the 1960’s. Everyone walks around like zombies repeating the same actions over and over. Ok maybe that’s not so strange. The visitors discover a giant blob-like creature at the center of town that the people are walking in and out of like it’s a Walmart supercenter after Thanksgiving. This is freaky enough that Mike, Deborah, and Tony finally decide to leave town. Unfortunately they find out the hard way that the entire town is surrounded by some sort of glass dome hence the name “bubble.” When faced with a giant wall the only logical solution is to drive your truck through it. Oh I forgot to mention this movie is in sickness inducing 3D so you get the gratitous “LOOK AT THIS RAKE!!! ohhhh….ahhhh!!” where objects are thrusted towards the audiences to apparently induce a fears of inanimate objects or yard work. There’s a few genuinely creepy scenes and the storyline is actually quite interesting like an extended old Twilight Zone episode. I saw this when I was a kid and it gave me nightmares so I finally tracked down a DVD copy. Now that I’m an adult it’s lost it’s shock value but is still an enjoyable sci-fi flick. And yes, the 3D glasses are included. I say check it out.

rated 7.9 out of 10
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

“attack of the sausages”

Ah yes back to the basics of horror film making. You know that if an opening scene starts out with a tent and a campfire in the woods that by the end of the scene you’ll end up with some dead campers. Deadly Spawn adheres to these type of basic principle of horror film writing. The harbinger of bad news in this film comes in the form of meteor crashing to earth with a hungry alien inside it. After a lite brunch of campers the alien hides out in a family’s basement much like a 20 year old who hasn’t left home yet. The alien who resembles a burrito with a thousand teeth continues to chomp through victims that stubornly keep trying to check out the basement. Hilarious as the hapless victims notice all the blood on the walls and still continue looking. People this dumb need to be eaten by a giant sausage. There’s the stereotypical young boy obsessed with horror movies who lives upstairs (and no I didn’t live upstairs when I was young). The science fanboy brother and his girlfriend. There’s the dumb jock guy who is more concerned about failing his upcoming pop quiz than the threat of being eaten alive. It’s an all you can eat buffet of stupidity. Watch for the big showdown between geek horror boy and alien burrito. Marvel at his inginuity, scream at the sight of the alien, laugh at the dialog. If you enjoyed Evil Dead, you’ll like this movie.

rated 7.6 out of 10
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

“Welcome to the future. Our wall light technology is centuries ahead of yours”

It’s the 23rd century and the human race is confined to a giant indoor golf dome where life is full of no work, all play and for some reason no indoor golfing. Instead you’re killed off when you hit the ripe old age of 30 in a weird 70’s disco version of Cirque Du Soleil. I guess it’s some sort of societal right of passage to thin the herd. You even have a little red light on your hand to remind you it’s time to go. Kinda like a mortality alarm clock with no snooze button. The few people tha try to escape the dome are known as runners and the police that track them are known as Sandmen. Logan played by Michael York is a Sandman who learns the truth of their society (who in turn has his light-hand switch to dead) and starts his own running. Along with his new found girlfriend Jessica played by Jenny Agutter, they make their way to the legend of sanctuary to escape the dome and bring the truth back to their people. The truth is pretty lame as they find is just an old crazy guy with a thousand cats. Maybe they should have just stayed in the golf dome. If you like THX 1138 you’ll love this movie. Great 70’s sci-fi nostalgia.

rated 8.3 out of 10
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

“Is that one of them there new hybrid electric cars?”

After so many b-movies of horror and action and mega-cheese I wanted to review a movie a bit different and special in it’s own right. This movie is a big time tear jerker and amazingly it’s directed by David Lynch. Yes the same twisted David Lynch that brought us Mulholland Drive, Twin peaks, Blue Velvet and Dune. But thankfully there is no ranting Sting in this movie or giant sandworms. Though a sandworm would have helped with the slow pacing of the film. What we get instead is a quiet heart warming tale about an old man, Alvin Straight, who can no longer drive a car but finds out his brother is deathly ill. He decided against the advice of daughter drives his tractor across multiple states to see him meeting interesting characters along the way. A great movie of determination and love with hints of David Lynch’s deeper subtext of portraying the human story. Check it out. It will make you a better person for seeing it.

rated 9.3 out of 10
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

“He’s almost as hairy as Robin Williams”

In honor of the elections and all the wonderful campaign ads we’ve seen, I thought a good movie would be about a pack vicious hungry wolves creatures craving human flesh. Like politicans encrouching in on a campaign contributor, the story revolves around a group of British solders sent out on a training mission in the highlands of Scottland. They soon encounter what’s left of a special ops team which is mostly gooey bits and pieces and eventually arrive at the conclusion something might be dangerous in the woods. Was it a ravenous bear? crazy racoons? vicious tree squirrels? Nope…the more logical choice is a pack of werewolves. The team high-tails it out of there and holds up in a abandoned house for their last stand. If only they had some kibble and bits to throw out the window. Some great action and gore in this film. If you liked “aliens” and laugh when your dog bites the mailman you’ll love this movie.

rated 8.1 out of 10
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Happy Haloween
Here’s some quick recommendations for your horror marathon that you may not have seen.

1. Night of the Living Dead 90’s Remake
A great remake of the classic black and white. Tom Savini directs and creates a unique vision of the classic tale. There’s a couple twists and turns you don’t expect and the female protaginist in this is a much stronger character than the original Barbara.

2. Lady in Black
A surprisingly creepy frightening movie that was actually shown on PBS at Christmas at Midnight. Not what I’d call a great Christmas movie. It’s starts out slow but gets very creepy about halfway through and a few key scenes in this movie that will chill you to the core.

3. Prince of Darkness
John Carpenter’s great dark horror movie about Evil essence trapped in a jar buried in an ancient church. There’s some imagery in this movie that will haunt you with the broadcast visions of the future.

Other films that will give you a good chill: The Thing, The Others, Blair Witch Project, Alien, The Descent, Evil Dead, Hellraiser, Phantasm, The Shining, Silence of the Lambs, Jaws, Texas Chainsaw Massace.

“Ain’t nobody gonna take my last hot pocket…when you want a big meal without a big deal, whatya gonna fix sir?!”

Was this movie intending to be this insanely funny? Playing out something like a comic book with a satirical jab at our current government policies. The story takes place in the future where the military rules our world as a single fascist world government. Highschool kids are encourage to become “citizens” by joining the military and to fight the ever present war against a far off planet of insects. Johnny Rico our main dumb headed hero is played by Casper Van Dien. What mother names their son Casper? Does he have the ability to move through walls? Is he extremely pale? Anyways Rico is in love with Carmen (Dennis Richards) who has joined the military to become a fighter pilot and to apparently get away from Charlie Sheen. So what does a smart high school student like Rico decide? Well of course he decides not to go to college and insteads join the infantry to fight giant blood thirty insects. This is mainly done to impress Carmen. By the way these insects did’t actually invade earth, they are just chillin’ on another planet minding their own business when we come bustin’ in shooting up the place with our machine guns and mini nuke bombs. Our reason for doing the big Orkin job was apparently an asteroid hit earth and we blame it on the bugs who just happen to live a million miles away. I have no idea what this parallels in todays news. hmmmmm….. Apparently in the future we still haven’t developed phaser guns though unfortunately. Definitely a great action movie and some hilarious dialog and would fall into my top 5’s of movies for guys who like movies.

rated 7.6 out of 10
learn more about this movie at imdb.com