No new movie reviews this week. I feel it’s a good time to reflect upon the year and celebrate the joyous Christmas season. In the meantime please take a look through my review archives for some great films you may have missed. I’m taking a short break from all the b-movie goodness and building a snowman with my kids. You can see the results below.

” Do you think there’s beer on the moon?” “No, but I wonder if I can drink you too. BUUURRRPPP!“

Well I ‘ve head a bad viral head cold for the past week . Doing my best impression of a brain dead zombie I watched this little late night b-movie gem called “Cheerleader Camp” at about 2:30 in the morning. I couldn’t breath through my nose, my head was clogged up, my body ached and my doctor said I can’t use my nasal spray anymore! Fine advice from someone that can actually breath. I tell you there’s nothing more trippy than a movie this bad like this when your hopped up on cold medicine in the wee hours of the morning. It’ll give you weirder dreams than a spicy burrito platter from La Seniorettas and can give you about as much gas.

The movie’s plot revolves around a group of teenagers who are all driving to the backwoods to a second rate cheerleader camp where a local competition is being held. Guess they missed out on those pesky ESPN tryouts earlier that week. There’s also 2 guys that are cheerleaders along for the ride and what they lack in athletic ability they make-up for in ickyness and mullet hair gel. Lucinda Dickey, better known as Kelly from “Breakin‘” plays the squad’s alligator mascot and former teen stars like Leif Garrett and future porn star Teri Weigel also help round out the almost-actors cast. I believe There’s a few other girls that occassionally say lines but are mostly there to sunbath.

When the competition starts turning up dead and bloody the reaction of the camp leader/warden is priceless. She’s pretty much like “Shows over folks…nothing to see here” and then proceeds to put the body in the freezer next to the fish platters so she can get back to playing hide the Salami with the local Sherrif (she banged the sherrif but didn’t bang the deputy). Meanwhile even more people are getting killed off but this only seems to irritate the surviving campers especially if affects their chances at winning the competition. “I don’t care if Suzie’s got impaled by garden sheers I want to win that trophy!” Might be a good time to pack up the pom poms and head home.

Cheerleaders get smashed, sliced, choked, and chopped but the truly scary scene is where the overweight cheerleader guy decides to get dressed as a woman to go spy on the sunbathing cheerleaders. Oh the horror! Also feel the grip of terror as the two white guy cheerleader attempt to rap while wearing 80’s sunglasses. We now know where Vanilla Ice got his start.

In the end the movie is just a watered down version of Sleepaway Camp with it’s own twist ending you can see coming a mile away but it’s still entertaining none the less. Also watch for the old drunk groundskeeper who says things like “You darn kids are cutting into my drinking time!” or “Makes your pee-pee harder than a bag of nickel jawbreakers!” Priceless. So sit back and enjoy Cheerleader Camp and don’t forget to sharpen your pom poms.

Keep an eye out for…

- full moon drive by
- freezer burned cheerleader preserves
- White man rap of terror
- garden shears to the head
- meat clever to the back
- sheriff/bear trap
- cross dressing peeping toms
- death by long distance phone calls
- pom pom paper cuts

The most horrifying scene in the movie is a fat guy’s butt hanging out a van window. That scene is permanently burned into the dark corners of my brain. Man they can’t kill that guy off soon enough.

rated 7.6 out of 10 for the movie

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Check out the trailer for Cheerleader Camp

“If I ever wore a tux like that I’d kick my own ass…..yeah totally… fer shure!”

In Valley Girl, Nicholas Cage plays Randy, a rebel/punk rocker poser who falls in love with your typical spoiled rich shopping queen Julie Richman played like totally awesome by Deborah Foreman. Her gummy smile and feathered hair melts Randy’s heart so he goes on a crusade to win her over and get her out of the valley life. We know he’s from the wrong side of the tracks because he has streaked bed head hair and wears black like everyday’s a funeral. Apparently in the valley you’re required to wear bright pastels to mask your inner shame but Randy chooses to wear his shame proudly. He and his best friend Fred, a skunk haired weasely guy crash a party in the valley to find the girls of their dreams and mooch some party snacks. So they basically kidnap a couple girls for a cruise down the Hollywood strip apparently to show them the better side of Hollywood. That is if they don’t accidentally run over any hookers and crack dealers.

Julie is torn between her life of consumerism and fitting in with her friends while Randy’s quirky semi bi-polar outbreaks keep luring her away to the shadowy Hollywood underbelly. A world where Math geeks play guitar in bars and spontaneous bathroom sex is barely noticed by the patrons. Her former boyfriend Tommy McBrain-Muscle eventually wins her back through constant whining and sleeping with her best friends and then manipulating them into convincing her he’s the better choice. It’s like a whitehouse intern meet and greet. Randy should have just moved to Arizona, lived in a stainless steel camper and watched Nascar. He would have been happier and his hair would have been more manageable in the dry heat. But His stupidity knows no bounds and he continues to harass and stalk Julie through a series of temporary job placements cameos. The director must have thought Randy is just going the distance for love but I viewed as creepy stalker guy who can’t keep a job and sleeps on people’s front lawns. Jessie’s hippie dope smoking parents barely notice their daughter’s dating a mad man and send her to prom with her previous boyfriend dressed to the hilt in a pink tuxedo. They give her advice like “honey just go with your heart.” “Gee Thanks hippie Dad! I should find my inner rainbow too!” Will Randy win back Julie? Will The highschool grocery boy score with the disgruntled house wife? Will Randy’s skull catch on fire as he drives away on a hell-bound motorcycle fighting the forces of evil…oh wait that’s another film.

This movie does reminded me a bit of “Pretty in Pink” except it’s the guys that are wearing pink, there’s no Molly Ringwald, and any resemblance of acting was overshadowed by large flipped up polo shirt collars or big puffy hairdo’s. It’s really sad when you get out-acted by your own hair. I’d say save yourself some time and sit down and listen to some 80’s music while repeatingly smashing your hand with a hammer. You’ll get about the same experience.

Keep an eye out for…

- The JcPenny big-collar valley gang
- Gratutious use of headbands and ankle warmers
- Extreme hair feathering
- Nicholas Cage’s 5 Easy Steps to being a better Stalker
- Illegal use of the term “gag me with a spoon”
- Student driver’s parade of lame
- Peanut butter orderves
- Prom night food fight
- “Crush that fly” battle cry

It’s a little known fact that this movie was believed to be one of the signs of the apocalypse for a small group of Nicholas Cage cult followers in the mid 1980’s.

rated 5.1 out of 10 for the movie (winner of 2007 Lost Highway’s drive of shame award)

Check out the trailer for Valley Girl

“Make any sudden moves and you’ll get an arrow straight through your thunderdome.”

What is the appeal of NASCAR? I’ve watched it a few times on tv and will wake up for the occasional wall smash or mid lane collision. But overall it’s watching cars go endlessly around in circles all at about the same numbing pace. Like a marching band parade at 200 mph. Where’s Rusty Wheeler yelling to his pit crew”Rubbin’s is racing!” and slamming into another car into the outside wall at 200 mph all the while an 80’s soundtrack blares in the background. Days of Thunder this ain’t. Nope Instead I get to be treated to the views of beer bellied fans with the number 31 painted on their tools sheds while they sit on top of their big RV’s scratching themselves. Is that a stereotype of Nascar fans…no it’s a stereotype of RV drivers.

In The Road Warrior, the racing is much more interesting with no spectators and the stakes are your life for gasoline. At $3.25 per gallon I can see why people even today might consider running that Humvee off the road and siphon off it’s fuel supply, but in post apocalyptic Australia it’s purely a matter of survival. Mel “Catholic to the extreme” Gilbson plays The Road Warrior. A man whose lost everything and now travels the desolate highways scavaging for food and gasoline for his muscle car. Not a Speedway or Arby’s in sight he comes across a booby trapped homemade helicopter instead. After a brief stint with a rattle snake and a bad toothed Brit he learns about a nearby operational oil refinery where he could stock up on supplies.

Mel takes the Monty Python wanna-be hostage to track down the oil refinery but finds that it’s also being stalked by a crazy gang of outlander barbarians who want to take the refinery for their own. Lead by a balding muscleman in a hockey mask, they continue to attack the barricaded compound while he spouts his keen observations through a mega phone. It’s sorta like a muscle car truck rally without the high ticket prices.

Mel eventually makes a deal with the leader of the compound to help them all escape to a tropical paradise and with the help of a small furry midget boy who has a striking reemblence to Bam-bam from the  Flintstones,  he hauls the fuel tanker out with a beat up old semi truck. Ehat ensues could be one of the best post apocalyptic car chases and semi truck fight scenes ever….ok it might just be the only one but still a lot of fun to watch. What struck me odd was the fact that the people defended this compound with a flamethrower and a seemingly endless supplies of bows and arrows. Did someone lose all the guns? At least they had a good supply of used football equipment to use for costumes.

Definitely one to watch again if you haven’t seen it for a while. Sad to say I haven’t seen the original Mad Max but plan to now that I’ve experience the greatness of the Road Warrior….and yes I’ve seen Thunderdome..all I got to say to that is “Big wheels keep on turnin’ …turnin’…”

Keep an eye out for…

- football shoulder pads of the apocalypse
- Bad British dental care
- dog food gourmet
- sharp shooter hockey players of wastelands
- bommer-rang Ginsu knives
- Bam-Bam from the Flintstones
- Armageddon archery club

Fortunately Mel Gibson wasn’t drinking when filming Road Warrior. Nothing worse than getting pulled over after the apocalypse on DUI.

rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for The Road Warrior