“Mr. Johnson’s gallstone sculptures not only frightened away customers but so did his permanent look of surprise from passing them.“

In the early 80’s there started a trend of what I’ve termed the meat by-product movies. First there was Porky’s, Porky’s Revenge, Meatballs, then Hotdog and finally cam along Kentucky Fried Movie to deep fry it all together in it’s original recipe of seven herbs and spices. It was a cholesterol carousel of titles whose movie focus was crude humor, fart jokes, and adolescent guys trying to see boobies. Pretty much what I sum up as most of my high school experience… well and most of college.

So on my quest to find movies in the same genre I came across this little gem. At first when I saw this title I thought it said “The Last American Virginian” which I figured to be a History channel special about the presidency of Woodrow Wilson. To my surprise Woodrow Wilson turned out to be a Ralph Machio lookin’ bandanna wearin’ Italian kid in the 1980’s who catches a bad case of the crabs. The obsessive crotch grabbin’ made sense.

The Last American Virgin is the story of Gary (Lawrence Monoson) and his cohorts, Rick “gotta adjust my collar” and glandular-overactive David, affectionately named the “Big Apple” though I found him to be more of a pear shape myself then a round red apple. Gary’s blandness is only surpassed by his lack of personality while the rest of the guys are focused on trying to get laid or deliver some pink boxes of pizzas to housewives with bad Spanish accents. The first half of the movie is a series of lame joke setups for the pizza gigolos and opportunities to blare out some classic 80’s tunes. The plot writers must have been busy getting sleeping in that week.

Gary is in love with the curly haired girl from “Better of Dead”, Diane Franlin, except she’s in love with Gary’s best friend Rick. Diane’s character, Karin, doesn’t have a French accent this time and there’s no John Cussack asking her to fix his camaro, so this film is already more bearable. She shows little to no interest in Gary’s blandness most likely due to his alcoholism or inability to form coherent sentences . Gary wants to loose his virginity as soon as possible as if that would some how make him even more appealing to Karin, so he and his friends go find a hooker way past her expiration date that gives them all a bad case of crabs. Nothing says “will you be mine?” more than a VD. Then as if the director suddenly went on a sabbatical and a highschool drama teacher was flown in to take over, the movie takes a drastic bi-polar mood swing. From upbeat goofy teen comedy to soap drama in less than a second it’ll make your head spin. Karin suddenly gets pregnant from Rick at which point Rick breaks up with her not wanting anything to do with his new prego-girlfriend. Then Gary swoops in like a vampire from a rafter so that weepy eye Karin will have giant shoulder pad to cry on and he can put some of his bland moves on her. In order to help Karin he relocates her into his now dead grandmothers home and they play pretend family (uh….creepy!) He then sells his enormous wood grain stereo at a local pawn shop to help pay for her quickie drive-thru abortion, makes her breakfast, and buy her a pine tree a with a bag of oranges. Take note, 2 gifts not to bring to someone in the hospital. I really don’t want to give away the ending to this but WOW! A total downer and a big cold blast of reality for us viewers. But hey I admire a director with the steel cahonias to not sugar coat the consequences of teen sex and to not give us the stereotypical ending. No wonder this movie bombed in the box office. Their target demographic, horny guys, will laugh at the crude jokes, enjoy the boobies then after the ending go out and steer their car into a tree. Parents, you’ll want to lock your teens in the basement after you see this but I’d recommend giving it a view. Just be sure to wear protection.

Keep an eye out for….

-pink brady bunch station wagons
- sausage measuring assembly lines
- bike vandalism
- extreme devo
- sugar snorting diabetics
- nympho old Spanish housewives
- library rumbles
- illegal use of 80’s pop-up collars
- denim mania
- interpretive Spanish lessons
- emergency brake failure
- after glow upchucking

“When a VD comes along you must itch it…now itch it…itch it good.” - sung to the tune of Devo’s Whip it.

rated 6.5 out of 10 for the movie (I will give the last 20 minutes or so a 8.4)

Watch the trailer for “The Last American Virgin”

“What zombie doesn’t enjoy rockin’ out to the Grateful Dead?“

We’ve had a ongoing debate at work “Where would you go in the event of a zombie outbreak?” I know I know…a common office emergency scenario and a prevalent question in the political debates. But one that still must be answered. Hilary Clinton already faced that situation in Kosovo to which she claimed she grabbed a soldier’s machine gun and laid waste to hundreds of zombified villagers before the infection could spread and I’m not entirely convinced that John McCain isn’t already one of the living dead. Some people think the mall is a good choice, or a prison, or their local bomb shelter. All logical answers but not the best so when the undead overtake our small city I’m heading to Sam’s Club. It’s the perfect fortified structure with some gas tanks in front to load up fuel, very few entrances, not many if any windows, and a life time supply of the largest bulk food items you’ve ever seen. It’s like an Aztec temple of storage boxes and food samples. The only downside is they don’t carry ammo there but generally wherever you find a Sam’s there’s usually a nearby gun shop so you can stop on the way to load up your favorite semi automatic deer shredding hunting rifle. Sam’s club puts the huge in huge-mugnous. You could restart and entire civilization in one of those places or fill it with water and recreate naval battles. Of course zombies love to shop so you’ll most likely have to be clearing house for a while but after that initial carnage you can become the self proclaimed king of wholesale. Sitting on top of your giant throne of 10 gallon jars of mayonnaise and 45 pound bags of cereal. Former Walmart workers happy to serve you since they would still get better treatment under your dystopian dictatorship than their current corporate managers.

In Day of the Dead some survivors choice to try to wait out the zombie apocalypse in an Floridian underground storage facility instead of their nearby Sam’s location. I think that’s where they store Walt Disney’s head on a slab of ice. Lori Cardille plays Sarah, a scientist trying to figure out what caused the zombie outbreak and how to stop it along with her medical associate, a crazy scientist called Dr. Frankenstein who enjoys cutting up the undead to play full size versions of the game “Operations.” After a failed helicopter search for survivors on the surface the crew returns to the claustrophobic caves. It was obviously hard to tell the difference between a zombie with all those wrinkly old Floridians playing shuffle board when flying over them. A small band of misfit military are also stuck with the scientist in the caverns/storage facility as they try to find a cure or ways to domesticate the zombies. Dr. Frankenstein is working on trying to train one zombie in particular he affectionately refers to Bud (taste great, less filling) to do things like brush his teeth, shoot a gun, and not gnaw your face off, much for the same reasons we train monkeys. The military are herding the zombies in the caverns like rotting cattle for the doctor to continue his experiments on but they are growing more restless, more crazy, and more facial hair. Soon they’re starting to question if they should get out of Dodge and leave the doc and his friends to fend for themselves.

The Jamaican helicopter pilot and his alcohol liver soaked partner live further in the caverns in a makeshift trailer park including standard issued Hawaiian lua decor. The only thing missing are the mullets and iron maiden cut-off shirts. Sarah befriends them and the pilot gives a sermon from a lounge chair on how ticked off God is and how it would be best to go to an island and do some fly fishing. Things get worse as Sarah’s now former one armed boyfriend who was already a bit crazy goes certifiable nut job taking himself up the elevator as a sacrifice and letting the zombie gates open. Soon hundreds of zombies are filling the caves ripping army guys apart like old gi-joe dolls given to hyperactive 3 year olds. Sarah and her buddies attempt an escape deep into the caverns with a two by four and a shovel for protection. Good picks for weapons, no reloading.

The main star here is Bub played by Sherman Howard. Bub is the most sympathetic character in the whole film. You just want to take him for a pet. He’s kinda like Lassie the dog except an insatiable hunger for human flesh and the ability to shave but wouldn’t that have made Lassie a more interesting show anyways? Bub exacts his revenge on the military meat heads but instead of using his teeth he uses a magnum and a pretty decent aim as a zombified marine. Meanwhile the surviving military run around screaming like chipmunks while Jane and company flee to the surface to escape in the helicopter now surrounded by zombies looking to hitch a ride. While not as strong a movie as his first films, George Romero was still on his game with this 3rd bleak entry in his zombie series. Far superior to his more recent disasters of Land of the Dead and Diary of the dull..errr I mean Dead. To which I say if your named George and if you haven’t made a movie in 30 years just stop and put the megaphone down. Slowly step away from the camera. Nobody needs to get hurt. And this means you too George “Jar Jar must die” Lucas! As with Romero’s earlier zombie films there’s the heavy social commentary under-current on how we are own worst enemies who can’t co-operate in the face of a disaster..blah blah blah..yeah I know I’ve seen it every year on black friday at the mall, just bring on the zombie carnage. It really is an interesting comment on the times of Regan ’s military machine tactics and our own paranoia so definitely check it out and always remember to groom your zombie properly before feeding and keep your firearms hidden. Remember that guns don’t kill people…zombies with guns kill people.
Keep an eye out for….

- shaving cuts
- hand climbing walls
- bad Jamaican accents
- zombie herding
- cave trailer parks
- head shoveling
- impromptu amputations
- extreme gut rippin’
- severed heads jump starting.
- clown zombies
- zombie-vators
- golf cart hit and runs

I wonder if zombies ever stop to think about all the trans fats and salt they’re getting from eating us Americans. We should be wearing t-shirts with nutritional labels printed on them.

rated 9.1 out of 10 for the movie

Watch the whole dang movie on YouTube!!! (part 1 of 10)….. piracy police start your engines.

“I’m about to open a fortune cookie of Whoop Ass.“

When you think Kung-fu masters you think names like Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Jet li, sometimes Chuck Norris if a drinking game is involved…uh maybe Daniel Larusso but only the one in Karate Kid II…oh and that chef at the Japanese Steak house. The way he spins those knifes and cut shrimp in the air you just know on the weekends he’s fighting evil. But now there enters a new 80’s Kung-fu hero, Leroy Green, a student of the martial arts seeking his own hi-pro glow, the apparent sign of achieving perfect kung-fu or being radioactive, whichever comes first. He also has an unhealthy obsession with Bruce Lee and smells a bit like pizza. Leroy’s family owns a Daddy Green’s pizzeria shop in Harlem while he teaches a pacifist karate class for kids, a sort of Shy-Goy-Dies branch of the Martial Arts. Where’s Mr. Miyagi when you need him? That old man could teach you karate and get a house painted, car waxed, and catch flies with chop sticks all in the same day.

Leroy thwarts an attempted kidnapping of a local celebrity, Laura, who hosts a dance show/space-camp party show called “7th Heaven” minus Jessica Biel of course. The only perquisite to get on the show is sufficient leg warmer coverage or a minimum frizzy hair size…actual dancers need not apply. Laura is played by Vanity, a spaced-out Janet Jackson wanna-be from the early 80’s who sang like she was doped up on Goofballs and was also Prince’s main squeeze. She’s being pursued by a balding local arcade owner, Eddie Arkadian, who wants to get his middle aged high-pitched girlfriend auditioned on Laura’s show. You know it’s the 80’s if an arcade owner is still a rich business tycoon. Today you’d be lucky to find them begging for Xbox Live points or peddling old crane games on a street corner.

Leroy is constantly being harassed by who is arguably the tallest black man with bed hair in harlem “Sho’nuff” dressed as a fashion blind samurai/goalie who desperately wants to fight Leroy for the title of baddest mofo in Harlem. But Leroy would rather spout Chinese proverbs and whine how he hasn’t found the true master while he watches old kung-fu movies.

Laura is yet again kidnapped by Eddie’s gang of misfit thugs. This girl just can’t stop getting kidnapped (possibly mistaken for nasty Ms. Jackson?) but this time a bunch of paid assassins and trained fighters are waiting for Bruce Leroy to rescue her including a particular jolly old elf with a mohawk. I didn’t realize Santa liked to rumble. Really not much plot to really get into here. There’s a big fight between Leroy and Sho’nuff that has strong hints of the light sabre dual between Luke and Darth. There’s some escapees from the Jackson Five along with some rappin’ Chinese gangsters dudes and a senile old Kung-fu trainer who wants to retire to Florida. Add 2 parts break dancing, 1 annoying MTV video and several old Bruce Lee film clips and you’ve got yourself good campy kung-fu that won’t leave you gasy. I say give it a whirl in the DVD player if only for some of these great one-liners…

“You just get that sucker to the designated place at the designated time, and I will gladly designate his ass… for dismemberment!”

“Kiss my Converse”

“Now, when I say, “Who’s da mastah?” you say, “Sho’nuff!”

“Just direct-a your feets-a to Daddy Green’s Pizza!”

Keep an eye out for…

- gratuitous use of an MTV video
- boombox crushing
- popstar cheesy mustaches
- extreme latticework
- middle aged Madonna wanna-be’s
- pet piranhas
- hi-beam headlights
- extreme shoulder padding
- true Master glow - now with more cleaning power
- arrow catching
- bullet flossing
- Santas with mohawks
- Chinese Bubbonics
- dysfunctional fortune cookies
- belt buckle medallions

Here’s what I’d like on my tombstone “Here lies the baddest mofo low down around this town. Sho’nuff!”

rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for the The Last Dragon

“Psychotic hockey player or grizzly bear robot? You be the judge.”

In the early golden years of cable there used to be some great channels and not just re-runs of CSI and Monk. Remember the constant running of John Hughes films on TNT? There was also the Sci-fi Channel with it’s 50/50 split of horror and sci-fi where you got some great slasher movie marathons late at night and of course those great Saturday nights with Joe Bob Brigg’s Monstervision (Joe Bob you are missed.) Sure they were watered down and broken up with commercials for hair care products but you still had the great commentary by my favorite Texas b-movie connaisseur and a good way to spend a Saturday night. Of course I wouldn’t know this because I had such a busy social schedule with all the ladies and late night rave club dancing. What I do remember on those less “socially active nights” is the Friday the 13th marathons. A TV blood bonanza though less blood on cable thanks to big brother watching over my fine sensibilities. You’d think since I’m watching a horror movie they’d figure that I’d actually like to see where that pick axe lands. For all I could tell Jason suddenly appeared, the teenager screams a giant *bleep* and then trips and lands on the axe with his head. Don’t get me wrong, even for all the broadcast editing they were still very entertaining. Jason was like Jaws, a huge unstoppable killing machine with no dialog. You couldn’t reason with him, appeal to his nurturing side, and you couldn’t negotiate a payment schedule. He was going to find you and impale on the nearest sharp object he could grab so you just better run to gain a few more minutes of breathing. And you could pretty much forget it if you were a bitchy teenage girl who smoked pot and enjoyed premarital sex. That just means you’re first in line for the wood axe to the noggin. That’s a lesson they should really add to the sex-ed curriculum. “Chapter 5: If you have premarital sex Jason will hunt you down and impale you on meat hook. Class dismissed.”

By my count Jason racked up something like 250 kills in his movie career. No wonder frats and sororities are begging for more pledges, Jason cleaned house. Yet parents keep sending their kids to Crystal Lake. Perhaps when I have teenagers of my own I might better understand their motivation a bit better.

In Jason X (Friday the 13th part 10) the ticked off goalie returns but this time he’s been couped up in a underground research facility near his stomping grounds while the military figures out how to harvest his regenerative power (I think it’s called box-office draw). While attempting to be transferred to a new facility he of course escapes, kills a bunch of people, and then is cleverly trapped in a cryogenic freezer. That’s a tough way to chill out and develop a major case of freezer burn and is especially bad for a hockey player that doesn’t like ice or any water. Flash forward 4 centuries and a research crew discovers the now abandoned facility while exploring a now un-inhabitable planet Earth. They stumble upon Jason in an oversized Whirlpool appliance and by his side is a frozen government agent/super bimbo who had tried to escape from Jason the night of the big freeze but ended up impaled just as they both became frozen fish sticks. Back on the ship she gets thawed out and patched up just in time to warn the crew not to thaw out Jason…who of course was already defrosted and just smashed a researchers face into a thousands pieces. I think some people just wake up grumpy.

Fortunately the ship has it’s own built in crew of goofy armored marines for such occasions and they’re all sent into the cargo hold to track him down like Osama Bin-Vorhees. Semper-die is Jason’s motto and he kills them all off in his typical creative physco killer ways. Round 2, the ship’s onboard robo-babe gets an weapons upgrade and has a high-tech shoot out with Jason shooting of his arm and leg and eventually puts him down via a head shot. But you just can’t keep a good killer down and Jason also gets an upgrade thanks to accidental nanotechnology turning him into super-Cyborg Killer. Round #3 goes to the goalie. Which annoying teenager will survive? Will Jason’s new Vista Operating System crash? Why do we still use bullets 4 centuries into the future? Many of these questions are answered and more.

I found this probably the funniest Friday the 13th and highly entertaining due to it’s sheer out of this world storyline and barrage of one-liners. I have hopes we’ll see a “Jason goes Scuba diving” or “Jason gets a job in a Insurance company” in the theaters soon. He’d be a great auditor.

Keep an eye out for…

- Extreme Jason freezer burn
- Nipple clamping
- Jason pillow fights
- Extreme impalements
- Strained space teens
- Face smashing
- Neck snapping
- Back breaking
- iJason Nano’s
- Shredded space cowboys

The Red Wings should draft Jason…no opponent would get near him in the goalie net.

rated 8.5 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Jason X