“If you can read this sign then you’re too close.”

I have one question. When did magicians get so lame? Case in point, David “I am blander than a rice cake” Blaine’s recent stunt on national TV with his Dive of Death. I believe this will go down in history as the most un-entertaining thing since the invention of CSPAN. Blaine is known for his endurance stunts of living in igloos, catching bullets in his mouth and agitating street patrons with lame card tricks and his depressive demeanor but this time he took his annoyance to new heights with this live televised stunt. Hanging himself upside down for days from a 7 story pole in New York facing the ever threat of death or in his case, fame obscurity, and would supposedly end in a terrifying plummet to the ground. In reality he was in a secure safety harness, took frequent coffee  & pee breaks, and bunged slowly towards the ground before being lifted in the air by a crane like a maniac-depressive peter pan. All the while an apathetic New york crowd watched from below who I suspect  if they would have found some sticks would have made him into a human piñata. “I got your abracadabra for you right here Davie Boy.” Now that would have been some must see TV.

I think David should go back to some street magic, maybe try reading a few people’s minds and absorb their psychic energy much like the electrifying Raymar in “One Dark Night.” Raymar is a recently deceased psychic that used his magic to decoratively arrange food utensils on his apartment walls and soak up some student’s brain energy. He unfortunately overdosed during a brain juice binge the night before with some co-eds shorting himself out permanently. Later at his funeral his estranged and just as boney looking daughter Olivia shows up. It turns out she may have inherited some of that psychic power when she has vague premonitions of the future through some montage visions or she was just hallucinating from lack of nutrition. She’ll probably just end up using her new powers for writing fortune cookies, doing weather forecasts, or predicting trivial things like “You’re going to have lunch,…it’ll be seafood but the shrimp will be bad.” or in her case “You’re going to end up in a schlocky 80’s movie.”

Her husband Allan played by Adam West can’t seem to find his bat pole anywhere to get out of this film and spends most of the time trying to convince her that all that magic mumbo-jumbo is just in her head. An Andy Warhol albino in a turtle neck shows up to tell her otherwise and gives her a book on tape that warns of Raymar’s evil telekinetic powers and his possible return from the grave. She obsessively listens to it over and over again while poor Allan can only drown his misery in whiskey obviously still fuming over Michael Keaton getting picked over him.

Meanwhile in what appears to be an entirely separate film, a young pre-breast enhanced Meg Tilly plays the nerdy girl Julie Wells who wants to break out of her goody two shoes stereotype. Julie’s dimwitted plan is to join the local girl gang “The sisters” so she too can get a shiny purple jacket and have her hair feathered even higher than gravity allows. I’m not sure a gang of 3 girls  really deserve their own embroidered jackets, bowling leagues are bigger than that and much more deserving their garments of cool.

Carol (Robin Evans), the queen of the shiny coat wenches convinces her to join only if she stays alone a whole night in the Mausoleum where Raymar’s body is kept. So Julie armed with only a sleeping bag, a flashlight and some Quaaludes, explores the endless casket filled hallways for the night. Meanwhile the other girls plot to sneak in and dress up as retirement home escapees to try to scare her. Their obvious lack of showmanship upsets the spirit of Raymar who starts breaking free from his entombed prison throwing around flower vases and moving around furniture with his psychic powers. He’s a sort of  malevolent interior decorator from beyond the grave.

Soon his brain power grows to the point that the tombs burst open and he can prop himself up while levitating dead bodies with his mind. It sounds a lot scarier than it looks  though as the rotting bodies float awkwardly around like they’re on magic coat hangers in a laundry shop. With a back field blitz they pile up on the pranking co-eds smothering them until they can’t breath. It’s a death by dry cleaning.

Julie’s boyfriend, Steve, finally shows up just in time to save her from a Raymar brain drain but then has his butt handed to him by another bunch of muppet zombies that knock him unconscious. Rotting Raymar tries again to get a jump start off Julie’s brain…but I think we all know that battery was running a bit low. There’s a showdown with his bone skinny sister who suddenly swoops in to try save the day using her natural ability to blend in with the undead to her advantage. Steve Just lies there like a slug, it’s his only defense.

Writer/Director Tom McLoughlin of Friday the13th part 6 fame did an admirable job with a very simple premise and one that taps our deepest fear of graveyards, mausoleums and dry cleaners. Also noteworthy is Tom Burman who did the gruesome special effects in this little PG-rated fright flick and he definitely showed his chops with some realistic gooey corpses.  Retroman says check it out for a few good creeps and always be sure to have your corpses professionally cleaned, pressed and folded before packing them for overnight trips.

- Multiple dead bodies
- Utensil-fu
- Obsessive toothcare
- Exploding mausoleums
- Undead puppeteers
- Electric eyeballs
- Fondu faced corpses
- Gratuitous use of Adam West
- Crypt-a-glow night lights

Rated 8.4 out of 10

Check out the trailer for One Dark Night

To kick-off the lineup of new T-shirts, Ben, owner of Fright Rags, and Lost Highway have joined forces in order to give three of our loyal supporters each an opportunity to win a free t-shirt of their choice, except the Vintage style shirts. To enter, all you have to do is come up with the best solution to a hypothetical scenario that Ben is faced with late one night.

Scenario:

After a hard day’s work at Fright Rags, Ben has just drifted off into a very sound REM sleep when all of a sudden he’s jolted awake by loud noises that sound like they’re coming from the storage area where the all the printed shirts are stored. Ben immediately springs out of bed, grabs a baseball bat, and cautiously goes to investigate the disturbance. As he makes his way toward the room, the strange sounds are getting even louder. When he reaches the storage area, an eerie blue light can be seen from underneath the door. Those unrecognizable noises now appear to be a series of growls and tortured groans, like something from a horror movie. Ben’s heart is really pounding now. He pauses for a few seconds to collect himself and then, after gathering up enough courage, he begins to slowly turn the door knob. Upon opening the door, Ben sees a truly shocking sight: all the characters from his printed T-shirts have somehow come to life. So, what do you think Ben should do?

Contest Rules and Information:

The best three entries will each receive a free T-Shirt of their choice, except the Vintage style shirts, courtesy of Fright Rags. Entries must be a minimum of 10 words, with a maximum of 250 words. The contest starts May 13, 2009 and ends at midnight on May 27, 2009. Selected winners will be contacted by e-mail on Monday, June 1. All entries must be comprehensible (understandable) and written in English. Please submit entries to this address: losthighwayinfo@yahoo.com with “Contest” in the subject line. Be sure to include your name, e-mail address, and mailing address with your submission, to ensure that if your entry is selected, we will be able to contact you. If you don’t include this information, then your submission will immediately be disqualified. One entry per person. U.S. residents only. Thanks for entering the contest and good luck!

At a time when a lot of specialty T-shirt companies are cutting corners and charging you more money for an inferior product, you, as both a fan and consumer, can have total confidence in knowing that Fright Rags doesn’t do business that way. Ben has set the standard for quality and customer service regarding his products. He is always striving to push the envelope creatively with his designs and is actively seeking out new processes that will increase the quality of his horror apparel, which in the end benefits you, the fan. Fright Rags has created a much deserved reputation for giving fans what they want and have come to expect, and this time is no different. The latest line of shirts are his most technically impressive and ambitious so far. Previous designs were already very detailed and well crafted, but these new designs contain even more detailing, and the artwork is even larger this time around, which means you get to enjoy more of your favorite movie(s). Also, each shirt is still printed on Anvil 100% cotton shirts or Gildan Ultra Cotton T-Shirts. So, not only are you getting great looking piece of wearable art, but a high quality shirt made from the best materials that you’ll be able to enjoy for a very, very, long time. As a fan I’m really excited about this new series, which has
awesome designs from so many cool movies. Now, lets get to the new designs!

Please click on the shirt’s title to see the actual artwork.

PHENOMENA

As soon as I saw this design, I started to hear the movie’s main theme by Goblin playing in my head. All of the characters are nicely rendered and the color choices are just beautiful–truly a work of art. Jennifer is shown communicating telepathically with a group of insects, while Inga the chimpanzee is holding a scalpel, and waiting to attack the evil Fran Brückner. This design does a great job at incorporating many elements from the movie without being too busy. And like the Dario Argento film, this shirt is destined to become an instant classic among fans.

NEAR DARK

Now here is a shirt that fans of the 1987 movie can really bite into. It features evil vampire Severen sporting a very nasty sunburn, along with blood-sucking newbie, Caleb, who can be seen in the background staying out of the harmful sunlight. A simple, yet effective composition, along with crisp graphics and a bold blood red color bring these undead characters to life.

THE RAFT

If you’re still upset over the disappointing and absolutely horrible “Creepshow 3″, you’re not alone. But hopefully “The Raft”, an awesome new “Creepshow 2″ design, will help ease your pain. This shirt features eye-catching art done in a great comic book style and has vintage blue and yellow colors. An added bonus for fans is that the shirt has cool quotes from the movie.

ERASERHEAD

This shirt is proof that you don’t always need vivid colors in order to create a design with visual impact. The monochromatic color scheme immediately makes me think of the black and white style of David Lynch’s film. Fans will surely recognize the character on the shirt as being Henry, and Mary X’s creepy mutant reptilian baby from the movie. The fluid line work and cool looking ink wash effect really give this shirt its unique personality. After seeing this surreal image you’ll be wondering whether it’s all a dream, or twisted reality.

EVIL DEAD

Well, we probably won’t be seeing another Evil Dead sequel, but fans still have cause to celebrate because Ash is back this time as a T-shirt, fighting a tree gone
wild. And it won’t be long before he uses his trusty chainsaw to quickly turn this overgrown toothpick into pile of firewood. The artwork features contrasting
colors set against a dark background, along with an in-your-face text treatment that gives this shirt serious attitude. The expression on our unlikely hero’s face says it all: that he is ready to kick some more Deadite butt!

CANDYMAN

The urban legend with a meat hook for a hand and a belly full of bees has come to terrifying life once again in this visually stunning T-shirt. If the gritty textures and
strong colors haven’t already gotten your attention, then Candyman’s intense gaze will surely hook you. But whatever you do, don’t say his name
five times in front of a mirror while wearing this shirt, because you just might end up being his next victim.

A very big thank you goes out to Ben from Fright Rags, who generously provided the shirts for this contest! So make sure you stop by his site to see the new designs, as well as his selection of other truly awesome movie-themed shirts.

“On my planet this shirt attracts the females of my species.”

I’m not what you call a proficient grocery shopper. I don’t stock up on coupons or scan through the Sunday paper looking for the latest deals on canned tuna and toasted Wheat Thins. I only know it’s time to shop when I can no longer make a full meal from the refrigerator’s remaining survivors.. usually some condiments, a jar of olives, and a box of baking soda. So putting on a coat over my PJ’s I’d head out for that late night grocery run.

Late nights food runs you’d often find the store empty of customers so it was difficult to even find a checkout lady to wave me over to her conveyor belt. This time I was forced to confront the newest shopping breakthrough that was the new self checkout machine. Hey I’m a man of the world, a technology connoisseur, I could surely conquer this fancy slot machine wanna-be. First the Cheetos bag wouldn’t scan and when it did, It told me I bought 25 bags worth forever bestowing me the title “the crazy Cheetos guy.” Then placing the items in the bag a condescending computer voice would keep telling me to “Please place the item in the bag”… “Oh you mean the item that’s already in the bag?” The computer didn’t seem to understand any sense of irony. My arms had grown weak from the numerous failed attempts at scanning some cantaloupe and the Fonzi method of banging the machine on the side didn’t seem to help any so eventually a technician had to show me where to put my crinkled dollar bills. Who would have thought groceries need IT support.

I thought technology was supposed to make things easier. When was it decided that “easier” was just do it yourself? Self-serve gas station, ATM banking, and self scanning checkout lines, these are advances in modern convenience? No I want someone else to do this for me because I’m American and laziness is my God given constitutional right. if you’re not going to give me a real person to do the job then at least give me a robot. This 2009 after all, I should have my own jetpack and hover car by now. I shouldn’t be standing in my PJ’s swipping cans of lima beans while a lady in a purple mu mu waits behind me with her big box of glazed chick peas. Next time I will just go when a friendly cashier lady is available that will gladly talk with me about the weather as she scans my groceries while perfectly bagging things so my bread isn’t crushed by the 2 gallon mayonnaise jar and bag of ice (Hey I like potato salad and it was hot that night.)

Speaking of ladies that excel at their jobs. Switchblade sisters introduces us to a gang of street-wise ladies called the Dagger Debs who’ve made a career at beating up elevator passengers and picking fights at the local Dairy Queen. The Debs are led by Lace, a high-strung snappy dresser who works out her dialog through clenched teeth like she’s got a case of lock jaw. She and her gal pals beat up a helpless landlord, go jay walking,  and then take a break at the ice cream shop. Here they run into a cute blondie named Maggie who is hogging one of their favorite seats. Maggie’s your sorta typical girl next door…if your typical girl is packin’ heat and has inner rage issues. Little do they know she’s the kind of girl that will cut you deep for even looking at her Oreo Blizzard the wrong way so she slices one of the gang members across the face with a knife. The police suddenly show up like a swat team before it can turn really ugly. Apparently a doughnut shop was very close by.

The Debs all end up in a juvenile detention center where some big burly lady wardens try to make the night moves on the new girls but end up getting the snot beat out of them instead. Maggie is finally freed from juvi-jail but has an even worse time on the outside when she’s raped by Lace’s boyfriend Dom. Dom is the leader of another powerful gang called the Silver daggers, a ruthless gang of thugs who resemble the cast from Welcome Back Kotter and enjoy playing billiards between felonies. Lace trusts Maggie and invites her to join the Debs not knowing that her and Dom just did the nasty at her apartment the night before. The resident cyclops “Patch” happily points out that Maggie has to be initiated first before becoming a true Deb and then starts whining about how she “lost her eye for this gang.” But really, how can you take a pirate seriously?

They send her on a mission to recover a toy prop necklace from a rival gang leader who goes by the unfortunate name of crabs. Great way to impress the ladies when you’re named after a venereal disease. Crab runs a fake community center where they give out narcotics under the disguise as vitamin pills so that he can buy even more hideous shirts for his wardrobe. Maggie stops by at their headquarters and  pretends to be attracted to Mr. Crabs which is probably the most impressive acting you’ll see in the whole film. In the middle of her seduction act she bites him on his Shootzle Deetzle, grabs the necklace and breaks through a office wall like the Koolaid man. Maggie returns to the Debs triumphant with her newly won trophy. Now there’s no questioning Maggie’s loyalty  with her ability to steal novelty prop jewelry.

Later on the Debs and the Daggers are vengefully ambushed by the Crab gang at the local rollerskating rink.  Lace gets punched in the baby maker whose oven was already preheated with Dom’s unborn kid and Dom gets a shotgun blast to the belly by the big Red Lobster himself. Maggie and Lace have to leave him to bleed to death in the center rink while Donna Summers music still blares on… a truly horrifying fate for anyone.

Maggie and Lace decide they want to avenge Dom’s death so they enlist some black power lady militants who drive pimped out armored Cadillacs and get their kicks making white hippies in disco shirts run and scream like little girls. I think that’s something anyone can really enjoy though. But not everything is as it seems there’s plot twists a plenty as jealously and secrets are threatening to destroy the gang. Who set up whom, who had an affair with who…who is loyal to whom. And when should the word whom actually be used in a sentence? It all ends up in a good old dance of death with switchblade divas giving us a great Shakespearean twist to this little exploitation romp.

Tarantino released this as his second film in his Rolling Thunder film series so be sure to check out his intro and outro on the DVD extras. His movie clerk geekiness clearly shows as he talks in great detail about the film and why they changed the name from The Jezebels to Switchblade Sisters. You can tell he was just up late one night at the videostore wired up on Jujubes and diet Coke while watching it. Also Keep an eye out for Don Stark who plays Hook. Yes it’s the same Don Stark that played Bob Picnciotti in that 70’s show and by gosh he still had the same hair and side burns. A great cheesy exploitation film, Retroman says check it out and be sure to be packin some heat.

- Multiple gang shootings
- 1 neck stabbing
- Medallion-fu
- Wacka-chicka-wacka fu
- Welcome Back Kotter doppelgangers
- Dairy Queen Dagger Queens
- Face plunging
- Swirly-fu
- Vita-van vandals
- Cadi-tanks
- Bellybutton ashtrays

Rated 8.9 out of 10

Check out the trailer for Switchblade Sisters