Taglines:

• If you don’t treat Santa nice he’ll put you on ice.
• Ralphie has a present for you, a double barrel shot gun of death!
• Naughty…nice…It doesn’t matter…Ralphie’s the guy with the gun.
• Santa is belted, buckled, booted, and ready for action.
• A double dog dare you of death!

Synopsis

Ralphie is a CIA operative who has been working the mean streets of New York for nearly 9 years. His latest assignment is as an undercover mobster within a powerful cartel family called the Parkers. The cartel is run by an overbearing drunken father referred to as “The Old Man.” He’s been selling bunk cocaine from the trunk of his Oldsmobile while the mother, a struggling go-go dancer, sells her homemade stews on the street to help buy more mashed potatoes for the mute brother Randy, it’s the only food he can digest. Mr. Parker collects erotic memorabilia including a highly valuable leg sculpture he imported from the little known southern island of Fragile. It’s his most prized possession.

One brisk winter day, the sculpture gets destroyed in a lower east side drive by. An apparent attack by the Bumpuseses gang, a ruthless group of southern rednecks who have an affinity for training large rabid attack dogs. Mr. Parker however believes it was in an inside job and that he has a rat among his associates. Later that day Ralphie tries to extract some information about the drive-by from Scut Farkus, a freckled face yellow eyed physcopath who demands everyone call him “Uncle.” Dangerous and unpredictable, he wears a hat made of human scalps and will break the arm of anyone who even look at him crossed eyed.

Ralphie hopes to track down his red rider assault rifle which he believes was used in attack on the Parker’s home and could be traced back to him. He beats Scut Furkus senselessy in a back alley until Scut confesses that he’s just a low level henchman for a rich city pimp known as “Big Red.” Big Red is a Santa impersonator at the local mall but is a cover for his underground white slave trade and has an even bigger hatred for Mr. Parker than the city cops. When Ralphie and Randy show up at his headquarters, they get surprised with a trap door that sends them both plummeting to the city streets below where some elve henchmen beat them to a pulp. Battered and bruised, Ralphie finds help from a local teacher known for her strict rules and deathly assassin moves. A teacher and martial arts master so ruthless she is rumored to have nailed a student’s tongue to a flag pole just for him being disrespectful.

After a lengthy recovery and training, Ralphie receives a secret coded message over the radio  from agent Annie who’s been tracking him and his mission’s progress. Project “Drink Your Ovaltine” is a go for Christmas day as a big drug shipment disguised as kid’s chocolate drinks is heading up state. Upon return to the family, Ralphie cover is blown from a phoned-in tip from Flick, a fellow mobster who suspected he might be a cop when he witnessed him talking into his secret decoder ring. Held prisoner at the Parker home Ralphie endures a series of tortures including being gagged with soap and forced to wear a pink bunny suit all for the amusement of the cartel. At his darkest hour a mysterious package arrives at the door bearing a tag that reads “A gift from Santa.” Inside is his red-rider assault rifle loaded and ready for action. He breaks free, grabs the gun and takes out the guards with extreme prejudice. Escaping through a broken window and nearly losing his eye in the process he drives  away in the family’s Oldsmobile. Flat tire and cursing under his breath he eventually makes his way to Chinatown and finds refuge as a fry cook in a small Chinese restaurant. Ralphie now in federal protection, hopes to never be found by the Parkers who want his head on a platter. From that day on the eye patched operative must always watch over his shoulders as the last words from Mr. Parker still haunt him… “Not a finger!” “Not a finger!”

Merry Christmas..Can you dig it suckas?

“Here’s a dollar…go buy yourself a bucket of shirts.”

I never haver really understood the appeal of fine jewelry. Women swoon over a pretty diamond perched on a gold ring or a silver necklace covered in precious stones but couldn’t the same look be accomplished with colored glass and metallic spray paint? The obsession kicks into an estrogen overdrive when a gal shows her friends her new engagement ring. You’d think she just won the Super-Bowl. “Ooooh..look how big the diamond is!” They drool over it’s shininess like Golum in Lord of the Rings. It’s a totally different experience for us guys. When we get our wedding band we fiddle with it,  place it on the soap holder in the shower precariously over the drain or spin it on the table just to see how long it will spin…right before it accidentally goes down the heating vent. We grudgingly buy you jewelry because we know you love it and hopefully it’s fair compensation for the dumb things we have done in the past and will continue to do over the course of the marriage. If given the choice though, we’d probably pawn it and buy something more practical that makes clicky electronic noises or has blinky lights. Give me a nice lazyboy chair with a built in fridge and remote…now see that’s something useful, or how about a 6 foot tall stuffed monkey wearing a beanie hat hold a serving tray. That would go great in the living room next to that fine china cabinet and really isn’t it just as practical? Friends would come over to admire it and they would put their drinks on the serving tray and ask me “So where did you get this cool monkey?” I’d proudly respond “Well I almost bought something impractical like jewelry but ordered this instead, and check out these new usb-powered nose haired trimmers I got yesterday!” Oh Sharper Image catalogs, how I will miss thee.

Speaking of people obsessed with precious metals, The movie Leprechaun proves that you shouldn’t take gold from a midget with buckles on his shoes and that they also make the worse house guests. Leprechauns are regularly sited exiting bars on St. Patty’s day but only the mean ones likes to hang out in the backwoods of Arkansas. So when a drunk Irish redneck tricks one into giving him his bag of gold coins, Irish tempers flare and it unleashes an unholy revenge on him and his wife. With the gold prices going through the roof you can understand him being a bit peeved over the loss of his dublins. His pint-sized gold rush is cut short though when Mr. O’Grady shoots the little bugger with his handgun and then seals him in a storage crate protecting it with a 4-leaf clover. Sure, vampires melt in sunlight, werewolves die from silver bullets, but leprehauns have only to fear lawn weeds. Spring forward 10 years and a young Jennifer Aniston, pre-Friends, and her Billy Ray Cyrus looking dad show up to do some renovations on the dingy old O’Grady house accidentally breaking the clover-seal of freshness. Also working on the rennovation is a foul-mouthed kid named Nathan (nevermind those pesky child labor laws), his slow-witted friend Ozzie and a Kevin Bacon look alike who must have lost his shirt sleeves in a freak fan accident.

Nathan and Ozzie discover a hidden bag of gold after following a magic rainbow to an old rusty truck in the woods…also a likely place for my 401k savings. Upon taking the gold they find themselves having to defend the house against the blood thirsty leprechaun. He hides out in cereal cupboards, goes go-karting, rides pogo sticks, and antagonzing policeman. Are we sure this isn’t just a punk kid jacked up on Red Bull? Seemingly now indestructible after get slammed with 10 shot gun blasts to the chest he easily gets distracted by having dirty leather shoes tossed at his head. Leprecahuns are known to be obsessive shoe shiners so this distracts him long enough for Jennifer to escape for help in her Jeep. She attempts to track down Mr. O’Grady at retirement home to find out how to kill the leprechaun but gets ambushed by the evil dwarf incognito who tries to run her over in a pimped out wheelchair. Little known fact that Leprechaun’s upper body strength is like that of Arnold Swarzenneger. There’s a big showdown at the farmhouse where they  make a final stand against the malevolent Irishman while searching the lawn for 4 leaf clovers. It all comes down to a gorey conclusion by the hands of a mighty sling shot and a stick of bubble yum. A sort of anti-David and Goliath ending.

I had always been meaning to see this film and remember the VHS tape cover at my local video store along with it’s countless sequels but was never in the mood even on St. Patty’s day. I like my psychotic  killers above 3 feet tall (sorry Chucky.) It just didn’t seem like something that could be very scary and I was correct…Not scary but still entertaining. You gotta admire a Leprechaun that’s just so darn happy on his killing spree. The little guy takes pride in his job. Retroman Steve says check it out, you’ll never look at your Lucky Charms cereal the same way ever again. 

Roadside Attractions

- Extreme house shack makeover
- Pogo vault to the chest
- Obsessive shoe cleaning
- 1 Bear trap
- 3 Leprechaun tossings
- Leprechaun skate boarding
- Irish dwarf Skeet shooting
- Irish go-cartin’
- Eyeball gouging
- Clover pickin’
- Lucky charms of death
- Exploding wishing wells

rated 7.1 out of 10 for the movie

In case you have a unwanted leprechaun house guest  may I suggest offering him some Clover Leaf Flaked Light Spicy Thai Chili Tuna. It’s delicious. He’ll burst into flames and you won’t have the messy clean-up.

Check out the trailer for Leprechaun

WARNING: The trailer below contains graphic violence and nudity. But really what did you expect on Thanksgiving Day?

“Johnny’s new satanic twister floor game never did catch on at parties. Players kept ending up in purgatory.”

I’m dissapointed that the media never covered a particular subject this past election season that I felt was important. The problem of overcrowded prisons. If you don’t mind me getting up on my soapbox for a second, I don’t think they rehabilitate and we certainly can’t find enough room to build more of them. I think there’s a couple easy solutions for this though. First, build them on golf courses. Yeah golf courses with all their well manicured grass and rich people in plaid pants chasing around little white balls. They could really use a correctional facility next to the local country club. The lifers in solitary confinement or the trouble makers in cell block 5 could be the new caddys. It’s not only punishment for the inmates but it would keep those old rich guys on their toes thinking they might get a 9 iron to the back of the head or end up buried headfirst in a sand trap. As for rehabilitation, I think they should ship in some old Catholic school nuns to shape things up. They could parachute them in storming the golf course hills like para-nuns.  A old cranky nun with a long range wooden ruler and rosemary side arm is much more intimidating than a warden anyday and nuns can get the job done. Sure, in Catholics school You may have hated that old sister of the cloth running your math class but I bet you knew your Algebra. They are able to quite literary strike the fear of God into people and make an excellent prison guard to boot. Even a 250 pound harden criminal serving time for tearing the tag off a mattress pad would cry like a little girl when facing wrong end of one of those wood rulers. So be sure to write you local congress and ask for your new Catholic penitentiary golf resort. It’s time for a change.

Sister Gloria is one nun you don’t want to mess with in Night of the Demons 2. She’s like the Chuck Norris of Catholicism including the facial hair and roundhouse kicks. She’s also the head holy lady at a private school for troubled teens where the motto is “If you’re not screwed up now we’re not working hard enough.”  Much like Chuck Norris, Sister Gloria’s job consist of mostly trying to educate girls on woman’s health issues and keep teens from having sex. She’d have less to worry about if they just not build their co-ed dorms facing each other’s bedroom windows where the guys stock up on binoculars  and the girls are oblivious to the fact they have no window shades. The school also just happens to be a convenient drive to the old Hull house around the corner where a  demonized Angela made mince meat of some local teens a few years back. Angela’s body was never found and the urban legend peeks the curiosity of some of the students, one of whom happens to be Angela’s sister “Mouse.” She’s A uber-emo girl with a bowl cut hair-do and keen Amish fashion sense. Mouse believes that Angela still haunts it’s halls waiting for her guests to someday return, so some of the girls and school jocks think it would be happy fun times to kidnap Mouse and take her to Hull house for yet another Halloween party and fake virgin sacrifice. Apparently the rule of a successful halloween bash is if everyone dies at the first party, try try again. This time Angela isn’t content to staying on the property with her new guests so she crams her demon soul into a lipstick canister that one of the girls discovers in a bathroom. Yes, the exact same lipstick case from the first film that was ingested by a demon’s boob.  “Ewwww!”  

After a sinus vaporizing mist releases Angela from her lipstick prison, she shows us yet again she can still shake her money maker and puts on a  exhibition at the Halloween school dance.  It distracts people long enough for one of her newly converted she-demons to melt a dude’s hand with her mutant breast grip of death, a horrifying second base move for that horny guy. Meanwhile a  local dweeb with a cult book collection that he picked up on Ebay tries to warn the school’s priest that Angela is real and is out for blood. He even performs his own demon raising ceremony to prove it and nearly gets himself killed in the process. What made him think that the best way to prove the existence of a dangerous demon is by throwing them an open house party? That’s like proving the existence of sharks by wearing a wetsuit made of chum.

Angela starts converting over students to  her demon army via dry humping, french kissing, or decapitations, and not necessarily in that order. The result is more of a demon garage band than an actual army ..I only counted about 4 demons totals so they’re still short a keyboard player. Angela tells Mouse that she’s not as evil as everyone says and has a nice heart to heart talk convincing her to head back to Hull house in her demom-mobile. Angela apparently wants to get promoted to management in Hell’s HR office so she hopes that by sacrificing Mouse she’ll score some Beelzebub brownie points. As she gets prepped for the big ceremony, Mouse’s few surviving friends along with the school’s priest,  the assassin nun, and a dweeb armed with holy water squirt guns and water balloons attempt to rescue her. They end up fighting a decapitated point guard and a giant mutant anaconda instead. Not something they were trained for in Catholicism.

Much like the original Night of the Demons…the movie has a lot of tongue in cheek humor…literally, there’s a lot of ripped out tongues and cheeks continuing the fine tradition of gorey horrey fun. So always remember if you’re hosting a Halloween party in a creepy house and some satanic goth girl starts a dance show, don’t wait around for the encore. You should have learned your lesson from your first demon infested halloween party where everyone died.

Roadside Attractions

-1 Demon Snake creature
-2 failed virgin sacrifices
-2 lady liplocks
-Chin chomping
-Talking toilet bowl heads
-Multiple demon french kissing
-Lipstick possessions
-Reverse breast fondling
-Holy super soakers
-Basketball decapitations
-Holy water balloon fights

rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie

I ordered the three bean burrito platter from Las Tres Amigos and my stomach had it’s own night of the demons. 

HAHA! hilarious the YouTube preview image is some dude in his underwear but really this is the actual movie Night of the Demons 2 and not gay porn.

Raised on a steady diet of Rosen’s Drive-In’s “Famous Double-Decker Dogs”, and peach iced tea, Dan began to cultivate at a young age a life-long appreciation for the B-movie genre and it’s many sub-genres.

“Drive-In Dan” got his nickname after being born at Rosen’s Drive-In, where his mother worked. She went into labor while serving a customer at the concession window and gave birth while the film “It’s Alive” was playing on the big screen. Dan Rosen (owner and long-time friend of Drive-In Dan’s mother), along with his wife, Marlene, helped deliver the baby. Some of the “regulars” who were standing around at the time started to say his nickname, and from that point forward he became known as “Drive-In Dan.”

That night, Dan became a part of the drive-in’s family, and today he continues to be a local celebrity in his hometown. There is even a hot dog eating contest (that has gained national attention) bearing his name at the drive-in every August 13th to honor his birthday. The added exposure has helped breathe new life into the once dying establishment by putting it on the map as a favorite tourist attraction. Rosen’s Drive-In has become known for its showing of old B-movies from the 70’s and 80’s. In the fall Dan used to put on a yearly haunted house attraction that had sci-fi and horror-themed rooms, complete with traditional “pop-out gags” that developed quite a cult following.

As a young boy, double-billed “creature features” served as his babysitters while his single mom would work the night shift. Around the same time, Dan also started to take an interest in the poster art featured on the drive-in’s marquees for upcoming releases, and began drawing his own versions of his favorites such as “The Thing”, “Halloween 3″, and “Phantasm.” As the years passed, his fondness for the genre grew. He not only enjoyed the movies for their entertainment value, but was also fascinated by the special effects and makeup wizardry used to create the on-screen magic. When Dan isn’t busy running the drive-in’s film projector or greeting hordes of eager movie patrons in the parking lot, he spends his free time dreaming up and bringing to life his own cast of crazy B-movie characters inspired by the many films he has seen over the years.

While searching the Internet for a designer to create a web presence for his horror merchandise business, Drive-In Dan came into contact with graphic artist, Steve “The Retroman” Jencks, who owns and operates Retro DC, which specializes in web design, illustration, and logo branding. During the brainstorming and design phase of the project, Steve mentioned that he also ran a site dedicated to the B-movie genre called “Lost Highway.” The first time Dan visited Lost Highway, it was like he had just entered a paradise for low-budget movie lovers. From the genre-inspired layout to the written reviews, it was clear that this site was created by a true fan who celebrates the fun and cheesy universe of B-movies. In June 2008 Dan was invited to be a part of the Lost Highway family. He hopes that new and regular visitors will enjoy his contributions to the site.

“When New York hookers have a slow week, they’ll often perform as street mimes for some extra cash.”

Back in Junior High science class we were forced to partake of the barbaric ritual of frog dissection. You’d think as a horror/sci-fi fan that I would be giddy in anticipating at slicing open a frog like some sort of evil mad scientist. But honestly real gore is well gross…I don’t like it…I don’t want to see it and I especially don’t want to touch it. The site of my own blood makes me qweezy, changing my daughters diapers is it’s own horror show (by the way never feed your kids pork and beans and fresh fruit before bedtime.) So the thought of pulling out those little goey frogs lungs in science class still makes me …oh…..ugh….wait…qweezy..room spinning….

When watching a horror movie I know the gore is fake, the situations are fake and I’m in no immediate physical danger of loosing a limb or having my soul swallowed… well at least during the work week. If I ever happen to be stuck at a summer camp with a history of teenage mutilations rest assured then I’ll be calling for a cab to take me home immediately. If I’m ever faced with the situation of battling demon elves that I inadvertently let loose while reading from the scrolls of an ancient book..well then that’s just my own darn fault for majoring in ancient Latin. But real life gore, like removing the innards from a helpless tree frog ,is not my idea of entertainment nor is it educational. Given the opportunity, I might try to hook it up to a car battery and jump start that little Kermit back to life. Sure It’ll probably shoot him across the room in an amphibian ball of flames smelling like french fries but at least I tried to bring the little green guy back to life. I am nothing if but pro-frog.

Jeffery Franken faces a similar dilemma in the cult classic Frankenhooker. Jeffrey is a mild manner Jersey electrician who has just lost his fiancee, Elizabeth, in a horrific lawnmower accident. Blondes should not operate heavy machinery while thinking or standing in front of them. Jeffrey somehow sneaks away his fiancee’s head in a bowling bag I’d presume and preserves her in the spacesaver fridge out in the garage right next to to the frozen fish fillets. He also happens to dabble in electro-genetics so he devices a plan to bring Elizabeth back from that great lawn clipping pile in the sky. Through the process of drilling his own head with a craftsman power tool he devices the brilliant plan to develop a batch of jiffy-pop explosive-crack cocaine to use on a group of hookers. It just goes to show people get inspired in all sorts of different ways. So It’s a 4th of July fireworks display of exploding hookers parts giving Jeff an all you can carry buffet of left ho-vers to use for his Elizabeth 2: Electric Boogalo. Through a lightening storm Elizabeth is resurrected as a brand new woman in high heeled Franken boots, purple eye shadow and a pointed bra but instead of being the dimwitted blonde, she’s a crazed hooker monster (a mooker?) out to make some extra cash. The only problem is she keeps scaring away customers and the few that she does bag surprisingly explode from all her pent up sexual static-electricity. All Jeffrey wants to do is settle down and make little Franken babies with her so he goes off to try to rescue her from her new career. I can’t believe I never saw this movie as a teenager It’s truly a fine example of 80’s horror/comedy. There’s also a great twist ending with revengeful spare hooker parts and a pimp named Zorro… you had to know a pimp was going to be involved somehow but he’s not a fencing masked vigilante. So head on down to the video store, put your money on the table and proudly ask if they have Frankenhooker in stock. Some Assembly may be required.

Keep an eye out for…

- combustible crack ho’s
- girlfriend lawn mulching
- head drilling
- explosive hamsters
- extreme sexual static friction
- whiplash decapitations
- bucket of legs and breasts (and it ain’t chicken)
- body building pimps named Zorro
- revengeful spare hooker parts

“Wanna Date? got any money?”
Hey aren’t those the first and last questions you should ask on a date?

rated 9.1 out of 10 for the movie

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Check out the trailer for Frankenhooker

“Can we pull over? I think I caught a junebug in my teeth.“

I’ve recently starting go back to the local gym. Repetitive computer mouse movements and the occasional chair shifting aren’t burning the calories like I’d hope. Yes it’s time to lose that pizza gut that I’ve worked on so hard over these past several months. The countless hours sitting in front of a computer to perfect it’s shape and density, it’s truly like a work of art. Sure it hasn’t won me any awards in categories like “most likely to have grease in his veins” but I did get honorable mentions in “most likely to run over your grandma for a doughnut.” or the coveted “achievements in long range Girlscout cookie flavor identification.” I do have a lifetime membership to Fitness USA that I got back in 1997 on a dare and by lifetime apparently that means at some point in my life I plan to use it again so why not now. I figured out why I hate exercise so much…it’s work…and I do a lot of that already, hence the title “working out” but I will keep at it and continue to work those abs and glutify my glutes and perfect my pectorals. Whatever it takes so I don’t gasp for air in exhaustion from opening a jar of tomatoes.

William Smith, a life long body builder, plays a biker named Angel who knows what it takes to stay in shape. This former Marlboro man also knows how to keep a fake mustache attached to his upper lip precariously for long periods of time as evident in his starring role in the 1969’s biker movie “Run, Ange, Run.” A little known fact, Smith also holds the record for 5100 continuous sit ups over a 5 hour time frame barely beating out my record by 5000 or so. William usually plays a b-movie direct to video bad guy these days but finds himself early in his career in the uncomfortable role of a misunderstood sensitive bike type. Angel is hightailing it out of town with his favorite hooker/girlfriend/go-go dancer Laurie, played convincingly by Valerie Starrett. Ms. Starrett is actually the wife of the director Jack Starrett which must have made some of her love scenes a tad uncomfortable. Turns out all the bikers gangs are looking for Angel now since he sold them out for his story to “Like” Magazine for a whopping $10,000. Even in the late 60’s that amount shouldn’t have been enough to sell out your fellow riders but Angel isn’t the shiniest tool in the shed and thinks he’s struck the jackpot. He continually tries to get rid of Laurie a good 3 or 4 times before they even leave town, this despite her bailing him out jail by turning tricks in the parking lot the night before. Now that is true love. His bipolar medication was obviously left at home as he switches back and forth between sensitive Angel and homicidal “I’ll stick a fork in your eye” Angel, but that seems to only makes Laurie love him more.

Through a series of mind numbing motorcycle montages accompanied by the tunes of Tammy Wynette, Angel and Laurie evade the pursuing biker gangs confusing them with a stunt spectacular at a train station that would make Evil Knievel proud. No one under 18 will be admitted during the breath taking train jumping sequence. Narrowly escaping being raped by a gang of train hobo’s Laurie and Angel flee to an abandoned barn to pretend to be in school and to take a literal roll in the hay. I think people with hay fever wouldn’t even find that love scene stimulating. You can almost hear the director screaming “Get your damn filthy hands off my wife!!!” as William attempts his best to grope Valerie without actually touching, an impressive acting skill.

Angel and Laurie then decide to go house hunting and start a life together ala June Cleaver style fulfilling their redneck American dream of owning a beat down shed in the middle of nowhere. The film had taken a sharp nose dive at that point with scenes of them at their dinner table talking about their life and their dreams…then montages of them running on the beach and holding hands to the sounds of flute music…and…wait is this a Lifetime movie of the week? Did I accidentally stumble into a feminine hygiene commercial? What happened to the motorcycle gang that was about rip off his arm and beat him with it? Unfortunately they’re still back at a local bar starting up their own roadhouse dinner theater and picking bars fight with rejects from Docker pants commercials. Be sure to take note of the go-go dancer in the background who continues to dance while heads are getting smashed around her. You gotta love the 60’s for little gem moments like that.

Years, months, or days appear to be go by and Angel is now sans mustache, the ultimate sacrifice of a motorcyclists is shaving, and is now living the good life down on the farm. Angel teaches his neighbor, Dan Felton, to ride a motorcycle and in return Dan gives him a job in sheep dipping. Luckily that’s not as obscene as it sounds and Dan is thrilled to have a job dousing sheep in chemical flea baths for a honest day’s pay. He then starts spouting poetry about birds and freedom and at some point appears to want to cry! (Billy what is wrong with you? Shouldn’t you’ve beaten someone senseless by now?)

Dan’s daughter, Megan, decides to go hang out at a local bar and gets raped by that long lost biker gang I mentioned earlier as they finally learn of Angel’s whereabouts. If you throw enough coincidences in a film, things like that are bound to happen so Dan thinks Angel did it because Megan is now a mute and only screams at the sounds of revving motorcycles. Based on this overwhelming evidence Dan loads up his shotgun to go make mince meat out of Angel back at his shack. My dog barks at the sound of lawnmowers but I don’t shoot the nearest landscaper.

Angel who has been away in the city has returned from finally picking up his check and avoided the long wait at his mailbox. Things go sour from there when the motorcycle gang of four and a very angry Dan show up with shotgun in tow. It’s a rodeo-style showdown with some motorcycle wranglin’ and furniture tippin’ ending with lessons about life, love, and the evilness of greed. Yup ladies and gentlemen it’s a chick-flick.

I think if any lessons I learned from this movie is that… 1. $10,000 is not enough to rat out biker gangs or pay for a year of college. 2. motorcycle montages sung by Tammy Wynette are a great way to fight insomnia. 3. William Smith could crush most people using only his index finger and thumb.

As far as chick-flick/biker films from the late 60’s go this was pretty good. So go grab yourself a Harley and scare up some sheep with “Run, Angel, Run.”

Keep an eye out for….

- bar-room brawl with optional go-go dancers
- off key folk singing
- sheep dipping
- cackling rednecks
- hobo throwin’
- imprompto train jumping evil knievel style
- motorcycle montages
- hay rollin’
- bi-polar domesticated motorcyclist
- mustache wrangling
- chicken feeding
- motorcycle induced sheep stampedes
- babbling homeless Santa impersonators
- Tammy Wynette singing
- extreme facial hair

warning this movie is known to induce drowsiness. Do not operate heavy machinery while watching. If you have allergies to wool or hay we suggest you consult your doctor before viewing.

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie

Watch the trailer for Run, Angel, Run.

“Little Johnny didn’t sleep well that night. It may have been due to his new Hasbro’s Demon from Hell night-light.“

When I was a young kid my biggest fears were 1. Having my parents continue to dress me in country western shirts and friction inducing corduroy pants for school and 2. That creatures living in the sewer would come up through the toilet and drag me down to their netherworld. Both of which give me bad flashbacks and why to this day I have yet to use a public bathroom in a rodeo bar. My older cousins would also say those giant green porta-potties were simply a means to transport the toilet creatures from one part of the country to another only furthering my phobias. Sure maybe it was a hoax on a gullible fashion-challenged kid or perhaps it was a part of a larger undercover government conspiracy to thin crowds at county fairs and racing events. The truth may never be known.

In the movie C.H.U.D., the director apparently suffered some of the same childhood dramas as myself and used filmmaking for his therapy. C.H.U.D supposedly stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. Run for your lives! It’s an acronym movie title… oh the horrors! but wait it turns out that it actually stands for Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal which is the name of a secret government policy to dump toxic waste under the city streets of New York. Would New Yorkers even notice the difference…probably not, that is until a cute little dogs get mutilated and a photographer starts screening his calls…thats when the cops are called into action. Christopher Curry plays Captain Bosch…a good cop with a disturbing mustache who is trying to find out the cause of the sudden disappearance of his wife and dozens of homeless people in the city. He meets A.J. played by City Slicker Daniel Stern, a centaurian looking fellow who runs a soup kitchen and is occasionally out-acted by his enormous hair or stained shirts. A.J. (when will the acronyms end!) is convinced that his homeless friends are being snatched up by someone or something in the sewers like a demonic Leona Helmsley looking for a few new hotel servants. The captain isn’t convinced though until they discover a giant moon boot and a clock radio that also acts as a geiger counter…shoot I have those things in my basement and I don’t have a CHUD problem….yet. The clock radio lights up like a Christmas tree indicating something is moving towards them and then the something starts growling. They express mild concern in the possibility of a horrible mutant creature about to munch on their innards and casually head back to the surface to attend a board meeting, successfully diffusing what could have been a actual tense situation.

Meanwhile in what seems like a completely different movie, George Cooper played by John “made for t.v. movie” Heard is taking photos of his pipe-cleaner shapely girlfriend, Lauren, who complain about pimples on her butt and wants to have lots of babies. George is also trying to hunt down one of his other star photo models, a homeless bag lady whom he has to bail out of jail. She brings him down below the city streets for a tunnel of garbage tour and to show him a chewed up leg which resembles someone’s unfinished BBQ ribs dinner platter.

A plot finally tries to rear it’s ugly head but thankfully is squashed via long scenes of useless dialog and dull boardroom scenes that play right out of a community theater production. Where is the cannibalism!? Government and city officials deny the existence of the C.H.U.D.S. then Daniel Stern has a temper tantrum and throws a book silently across the desk and suddenly they starting telling the truth. Guantanamo Bay should take notice on these interrogation techniques.

The officials decide to destroy the mutants by attempting to gas the tunnels and seal off the manholes. Meanwhile the captain simultaneously decides to send in a squad of police officer armed with standard issued flame throwers apparently forgetting the devastating results of what happens when you light a fart only on a much bigger scale.

A.J. and George end up trapped underground as a few escaping mutants attack John Goodman dressed as a copy at a local Diner. The John Goodman sized-snack doesn’t seem to ruin their appetites and they continue their night of rampage. Luaren is also attacked by a C.H.U.D. in her apartment but her class on samurai sword fighting self-defense at the YMCA finally pays off. She then steals a police car with keys still in the ignition and hightails it to the diner to find out where her boyfriend is. The scapegoat government official will do anything to make sure the public doesn’t know about the mutants and attempts to kill all the witnesses including A.J. and George still trapped below the city streets. Always better to kill every innocent bystander then letting them know you were illegally dumping toxic waste.

C.H.U.D is pure 80’s horror cheese. The gory effects are great and the over the top acting made this an enjoyable afternoon movie between info-mercials about carpet cleansers and botox creams. So I say CHUD it out….and always be sure to check the toilet seat before sitting.

Keep an eye out for….

- professional phone screening
- elf-like neighbors
- canine lynch mobs
- standard police issued flame throwers
- mutant neck extenders
- extreme shirt staining
- epileptics with rambo knives
- boardroom theater shows
- coin eaters…keep the change
- lost moon boots
- ground chuck-o-legs
- clock radio’s with optional geiger counters
- aggressive pay phone collectors
- shower clogs
- highbeam eye-lights
- gratuitous use of the term “manhole”
- explosive bread delivery trucks

Name that CHUD

a. Chihuahua Hound Undersized Dogs
b. Communist Hungarian Urban Development
d. Contortionist Hiding Under Desks
e. Contaminated Husband’s Underwear Discovery
f. all of the above

rated 7.6 out of 10 for the movie

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Watch the trailer for “C.H.U.D.”

It’s been an extremely busy week and though I did get to watch 2 movies this past week neither really felt they would work well for one of my reviews. But while realizing I would be late yet again with a worthy b-movie review, I thought I’d get a bit creative and put together a video review of these two films that missed the cut. So here’s my first attempt below that I posted to YouTube. I’ll be making these brief video reviews occasionally. Hey now you’ll know my face so you can stop me on the street and kick me in the shins for recommending Troll 2. “You can’t piss on hospitality”

Watch episode 1: A brief review of “Them” and “Two Lane Blacktop”

“Mr. Johnson’s gallstone sculptures not only frightened away customers but so did his permanent look of surprise from passing them.“

In the early 80’s there started a trend of what I’ve termed the meat by-product movies. First there was Porky’s, Porky’s Revenge, Meatballs, then Hotdog and finally cam along Kentucky Fried Movie to deep fry it all together in it’s original recipe of seven herbs and spices. It was a cholesterol carousel of titles whose movie focus was crude humor, fart jokes, and adolescent guys trying to see boobies. Pretty much what I sum up as most of my high school experience… well and most of college.

So on my quest to find movies in the same genre I came across this little gem. At first when I saw this title I thought it said “The Last American Virginian” which I figured to be a History channel special about the presidency of Woodrow Wilson. To my surprise Woodrow Wilson turned out to be a Ralph Machio lookin’ bandanna wearin’ Italian kid in the 1980’s who catches a bad case of the crabs. The obsessive crotch grabbin’ made sense.

The Last American Virgin is the story of Gary (Lawrence Monoson) and his cohorts, Rick “gotta adjust my collar” and glandular-overactive David, affectionately named the “Big Apple” though I found him to be more of a pear shape myself then a round red apple. Gary’s blandness is only surpassed by his lack of personality while the rest of the guys are focused on trying to get laid or deliver some pink boxes of pizzas to housewives with bad Spanish accents. The first half of the movie is a series of lame joke setups for the pizza gigolos and opportunities to blare out some classic 80’s tunes. The plot writers must have been busy getting sleeping in that week.

Gary is in love with the curly haired girl from “Better of Dead”, Diane Franlin, except she’s in love with Gary’s best friend Rick. Diane’s character, Karin, doesn’t have a French accent this time and there’s no John Cussack asking her to fix his camaro, so this film is already more bearable. She shows little to no interest in Gary’s blandness most likely due to his alcoholism or inability to form coherent sentences . Gary wants to loose his virginity as soon as possible as if that would some how make him even more appealing to Karin, so he and his friends go find a hooker way past her expiration date that gives them all a bad case of crabs. Nothing says “will you be mine?” more than a VD. Then as if the director suddenly went on a sabbatical and a highschool drama teacher was flown in to take over, the movie takes a drastic bi-polar mood swing. From upbeat goofy teen comedy to soap drama in less than a second it’ll make your head spin. Karin suddenly gets pregnant from Rick at which point Rick breaks up with her not wanting anything to do with his new prego-girlfriend. Then Gary swoops in like a vampire from a rafter so that weepy eye Karin will have giant shoulder pad to cry on and he can put some of his bland moves on her. In order to help Karin he relocates her into his now dead grandmothers home and they play pretend family (uh….creepy!) He then sells his enormous wood grain stereo at a local pawn shop to help pay for her quickie drive-thru abortion, makes her breakfast, and buy her a pine tree a with a bag of oranges. Take note, 2 gifts not to bring to someone in the hospital. I really don’t want to give away the ending to this but WOW! A total downer and a big cold blast of reality for us viewers. But hey I admire a director with the steel cahonias to not sugar coat the consequences of teen sex and to not give us the stereotypical ending. No wonder this movie bombed in the box office. Their target demographic, horny guys, will laugh at the crude jokes, enjoy the boobies then after the ending go out and steer their car into a tree. Parents, you’ll want to lock your teens in the basement after you see this but I’d recommend giving it a view. Just be sure to wear protection.

Keep an eye out for….

-pink brady bunch station wagons
- sausage measuring assembly lines
- bike vandalism
- extreme devo
- sugar snorting diabetics
- nympho old Spanish housewives
- library rumbles
- illegal use of 80’s pop-up collars
- denim mania
- interpretive Spanish lessons
- emergency brake failure
- after glow upchucking

“When a VD comes along you must itch it…now itch it…itch it good.” - sung to the tune of Devo’s Whip it.

rated 6.5 out of 10 for the movie (I will give the last 20 minutes or so a 8.4)

Watch the trailer for “The Last American Virgin”