“I only wear this shirt to distract people from my face. It’s my only defense.”

On some undisclosed island in the South Pacific, Pam Grier plays Lee Danier, an angry hooker in an evening dress who gets sent to a not-so-classy women’s reform prison in the middle of the jungle. Do not pass “Go”, do not collect $200.  There’s also Karen, played by Margaret Markov,who has likewise earned herself some prison time, due to her nasty habit of trying to instigate revolutions on communist islands. But she looks more like she barely escaped her last photo shoot. Karen and Lee don’t play well together, especially in confined spaces. So when they misbehave in the cafeteria, they’re forced to stand in a walk-in Easy Bake Oven out in the sun for the day as punishment. Fortunately we’ve got a non-stick cooking Pam as our star. The wardens are fed-up with having to break-up their catfights, which cuts into their group shower ogling time. So they chain the two together; make them wear yellow, prison issued mini-skirts; and send them on a bus trip to be interrogated. The bus ride comes to a quick halt, though, when Karen’s rabble-rousing friends attack the convoy. We know they’re revolutionaries because of the amount of their facial hair. The longer your mustache, the more you’re fightin’ “The Man.”

Lee and Karen barely escape into the jungle during the poorly planned rescue attempt, and are forced to hitchhike as nuns across the island and negotiate with oily, fat guys before stabbing them with a screwdriver. They sure make Catholic school nuns almost look tame by comparison. A corrupt cop is sent to track the nuns on the run, but only if he can break away from watching the local drunks play pool long enough. There’re also some hired thugs who are looking for Lee since she is one their prized hookers–their “best in show ho.” They inconspicuously drive around in a giant, decorated, clown jeep, blaring Mexican show tunes, possibly hoping for some women prisoners to just suddenly dart out in front of them, but instead they end up in pointless gunfights or wrestling around in their underwear with the locals. Not quite sure who’re the good guys and bad guys in this one, but I do know that hired thugs look particularly disturbing in baby blue western shirts.

Wouldn’t you think that would hurt your street cred a bit if you wore a shirt like that? Ruben is the head thug with the worst fashion sense, played by Rob Zombie’s favorite psycho, Sid Hag. He reminds me a bit of a local used car salesman, but without the charm and trustworthiness. “Come on down to Ruben Ford–free drug bribes for the kids!”

This is a good little exploitation film, light on the exploitation but heavy on the facial hair and gunfights. Also check out Pam Grier in “Coffy”, another great early blaxploitation movie from the 70’s. She’s all Coffy…without the caffeine.

Roadside Attractions

-Peeping Tom wardens
-chain chockin’
-convincts in a can
-jungle cat fights
-nuns on the run
-jump-starting hookers
-gratuitous use of a western shirt
-puppies with underwear hats
-21 breasts
-37 deaths
-multiple shootouts
-circus mercenary jeeps
-tempera paint blood splatters

rated 7.7 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Black Mamma, White Mamma

“Can we pull over? I think I caught a junebug in my teeth.“

I’ve recently starting go back to the local gym. Repetitive computer mouse movements and the occasional chair shifting aren’t burning the calories like I’d hope. Yes it’s time to lose that pizza gut that I’ve worked on so hard over these past several months. The countless hours sitting in front of a computer to perfect it’s shape and density, it’s truly like a work of art. Sure it hasn’t won me any awards in categories like “most likely to have grease in his veins” but I did get honorable mentions in “most likely to run over your grandma for a doughnut.” or the coveted “achievements in long range Girlscout cookie flavor identification.” I do have a lifetime membership to Fitness USA that I got back in 1997 on a dare and by lifetime apparently that means at some point in my life I plan to use it again so why not now. I figured out why I hate exercise so much…it’s work…and I do a lot of that already, hence the title “working out” but I will keep at it and continue to work those abs and glutify my glutes and perfect my pectorals. Whatever it takes so I don’t gasp for air in exhaustion from opening a jar of tomatoes.

William Smith, a life long body builder, plays a biker named Angel who knows what it takes to stay in shape. This former Marlboro man also knows how to keep a fake mustache attached to his upper lip precariously for long periods of time as evident in his starring role in the 1969’s biker movie “Run, Ange, Run.” A little known fact, Smith also holds the record for 5100 continuous sit ups over a 5 hour time frame barely beating out my record by 5000 or so. William usually plays a b-movie direct to video bad guy these days but finds himself early in his career in the uncomfortable role of a misunderstood sensitive bike type. Angel is hightailing it out of town with his favorite hooker/girlfriend/go-go dancer Laurie, played convincingly by Valerie Starrett. Ms. Starrett is actually the wife of the director Jack Starrett which must have made some of her love scenes a tad uncomfortable. Turns out all the bikers gangs are looking for Angel now since he sold them out for his story to “Like” Magazine for a whopping $10,000. Even in the late 60’s that amount shouldn’t have been enough to sell out your fellow riders but Angel isn’t the shiniest tool in the shed and thinks he’s struck the jackpot. He continually tries to get rid of Laurie a good 3 or 4 times before they even leave town, this despite her bailing him out jail by turning tricks in the parking lot the night before. Now that is true love. His bipolar medication was obviously left at home as he switches back and forth between sensitive Angel and homicidal “I’ll stick a fork in your eye” Angel, but that seems to only makes Laurie love him more.

Through a series of mind numbing motorcycle montages accompanied by the tunes of Tammy Wynette, Angel and Laurie evade the pursuing biker gangs confusing them with a stunt spectacular at a train station that would make Evil Knievel proud. No one under 18 will be admitted during the breath taking train jumping sequence. Narrowly escaping being raped by a gang of train hobo’s Laurie and Angel flee to an abandoned barn to pretend to be in school and to take a literal roll in the hay. I think people with hay fever wouldn’t even find that love scene stimulating. You can almost hear the director screaming “Get your damn filthy hands off my wife!!!” as William attempts his best to grope Valerie without actually touching, an impressive acting skill.

Angel and Laurie then decide to go house hunting and start a life together ala June Cleaver style fulfilling their redneck American dream of owning a beat down shed in the middle of nowhere. The film had taken a sharp nose dive at that point with scenes of them at their dinner table talking about their life and their dreams…then montages of them running on the beach and holding hands to the sounds of flute music…and…wait is this a Lifetime movie of the week? Did I accidentally stumble into a feminine hygiene commercial? What happened to the motorcycle gang that was about rip off his arm and beat him with it? Unfortunately they’re still back at a local bar starting up their own roadhouse dinner theater and picking bars fight with rejects from Docker pants commercials. Be sure to take note of the go-go dancer in the background who continues to dance while heads are getting smashed around her. You gotta love the 60’s for little gem moments like that.

Years, months, or days appear to be go by and Angel is now sans mustache, the ultimate sacrifice of a motorcyclists is shaving, and is now living the good life down on the farm. Angel teaches his neighbor, Dan Felton, to ride a motorcycle and in return Dan gives him a job in sheep dipping. Luckily that’s not as obscene as it sounds and Dan is thrilled to have a job dousing sheep in chemical flea baths for a honest day’s pay. He then starts spouting poetry about birds and freedom and at some point appears to want to cry! (Billy what is wrong with you? Shouldn’t you’ve beaten someone senseless by now?)

Dan’s daughter, Megan, decides to go hang out at a local bar and gets raped by that long lost biker gang I mentioned earlier as they finally learn of Angel’s whereabouts. If you throw enough coincidences in a film, things like that are bound to happen so Dan thinks Angel did it because Megan is now a mute and only screams at the sounds of revving motorcycles. Based on this overwhelming evidence Dan loads up his shotgun to go make mince meat out of Angel back at his shack. My dog barks at the sound of lawnmowers but I don’t shoot the nearest landscaper.

Angel who has been away in the city has returned from finally picking up his check and avoided the long wait at his mailbox. Things go sour from there when the motorcycle gang of four and a very angry Dan show up with shotgun in tow. It’s a rodeo-style showdown with some motorcycle wranglin’ and furniture tippin’ ending with lessons about life, love, and the evilness of greed. Yup ladies and gentlemen it’s a chick-flick.

I think if any lessons I learned from this movie is that… 1. $10,000 is not enough to rat out biker gangs or pay for a year of college. 2. motorcycle montages sung by Tammy Wynette are a great way to fight insomnia. 3. William Smith could crush most people using only his index finger and thumb.

As far as chick-flick/biker films from the late 60’s go this was pretty good. So go grab yourself a Harley and scare up some sheep with “Run, Angel, Run.”

Keep an eye out for….

- bar-room brawl with optional go-go dancers
- off key folk singing
- sheep dipping
- cackling rednecks
- hobo throwin’
- imprompto train jumping evil knievel style
- motorcycle montages
- hay rollin’
- bi-polar domesticated motorcyclist
- mustache wrangling
- chicken feeding
- motorcycle induced sheep stampedes
- babbling homeless Santa impersonators
- Tammy Wynette singing
- extreme facial hair

warning this movie is known to induce drowsiness. Do not operate heavy machinery while watching. If you have allergies to wool or hay we suggest you consult your doctor before viewing.

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie

Watch the trailer for Run, Angel, Run.

“The original Big Bird was actually a struggling pimp living on Sesame Street in Harlem“

Pam Grier plays Flower Child Coffin “Coffy”, a hospital nurse with a hippie name and a vengeful spirit which doesn’t really lend herself to a profession in bedside care. Her little sister got hooked on heroin and is a kids detox so she goes on a mission to find the dealers and anyone remotely related to the drug bosses that got her sister hooked. Blowing holes through drug dealers heads, junkies, shooting Italians in swimming pools, and stabbing goattee bodyguards in the neck. It’s all in nights work for a nurse. I think Coffy needs to ease up on the caffeine before she takes out a bus of nuns with a bazooka.

Meanwhile a cop friend of hers named Carter Brown decides not to go the corrupt route like the rest of the police force who has made a deal with mafia and drugs dealers. This results in him getting beaten like a piece of ground beef in his apartment by some masked henchman while Coffy is over visiting. Didn’t he watch Godfather? The mob doesn’t kindly to non-team players.

Coffy also has her own sugar daddy, Howard “the shrapnel tummy” Brunswick, a congressmen on the take along with the police force (eesh do they all get some sort of mobster group discount?) He’s been working back street deals to get a big cut of the drug profits and gain more control of the city. Coffy who is still on the trail of the drug dealers dresses up as a prostitute from Jamaica to try to get employed by a local big league Pimp who calls himself King George. His dressing attire makes no doubt of his occupation as any low flying planes in a dense fog could spot his bright yellow jump leisure suit for a safe landing. It’s sort of a super pimp outfit. Coffy easily passes the job interview using her “assets” and “references” and later that night switches out George’s heroin supply with some powdered sugar (in case George needs to make some laffy taffy.) Upon returning to a mobster dinner party where all the big league dealers are schmoozing she starts a cat fight with some of the other hookers. It’s all broken bottles, torn dresses, tossed salads, and stained cocktail gowns. She does some sweet kung-fu moves and ultimate fighting pile drivers on her hooker co-workers and even hides a straight razor in her afro causing some nasty paper cuts. An Italian Mobster named Petroni enjoys the super hooker smack down and wants Coffy to come over later to play hide the salami at his apartment. Coffy attempts to take him out via a stuffed animal with a .44 magnum in it but is caught by Petroni’s goons just before she can pop him right between the pepperonis.

When interrogated via some vicious indian burns she rats out that King George actually sent her as a hooker hit girl (everyone always blames the pimp). This results in King George getting forced into some imprompto speed boat rafting. Well excepts there’s no boat or raft, and he’s tied behind a car by his neck. Not a very popular outdoor sporting activity. There’s more double crossing, double barrel shoguns, and double D’s than you can count in this film.

After seeing Pam Grier in the film Jackie Brown, I knew she was one bad ass foxy mama (look out I’m breaking out my jive talk) So I was looking forward to seeing what is hailed as one of her best films. I definitely agree it’s a great grindhouse film filled with plenty of sex, violence and leisure suits. And doesn’t that pretty much sum up the 70’s? So definitely check it out. I ain’t talkin’ no jive turkey so can you dig my rap? My mama didn’t raise no fool….ugh.. sorry I can’t help myself.

Keep an eye out for…

- banana suit pimps
- sugar daddy politicians
- stuffed lions packing heat
- razor blade hair clips
- mobster bodyguards dressed as gay pirates
- extreme pimp dragging
- roadside neck stabbing
- bad Jamaican accents
- diner party cat fights
- hooker shotguns
- salad bowl body slams
- sugar shoot-ups
- lounge dinner strippers

Coffy is in no way endorsed by Juan Valdez or any of the coffee union members

rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Coffy

“A battle with a clogged ketchup bottle ends tragically.“

I finally got a chance to test out the new movie rental feature in Apple’s iTunes with a not so quick download of the 1970’s vampire flick Count Yorga, Vampire. So right off the bat you immediately know whose the vampire, though I half expected Yorga to be a small green midget from the Dagobah planet. The Bulgarian Count Yorga played by Roger Perry is hanging out with some yuppies at a séance party to contact the dead mother of a frazzle nerved gal named Donna played by Donna Anders. Most of the guests had a bit too much peppermint schnapps and end up cracking jokes or in Donna’s case blood curdling screams. So the count hypnotizes her to calm her down and happens to slip in a subliminal command of doing whatever he says. An American vampire would be like “bring me a beer….turn on the football game”

A couple there, Paul and Erica, decide the party has really lost it’s steam (nothing brings down a party like a failed séance) and decide it’s time leave. Erica seems to think old Bulgarian guys are attractive and offers Yorga a lift home. Paul wants to puts the kibosh on that idea but Erica seems to wear the pants in that relationship and insists on it. So they take the count back to his creepy mansion completed with a demon hellhound and Torgo-like groundskeeper. After leaving they get stranded in some sort of flash thunderstorm trapping their Scooby Doo mystery van in a puddle of mud. Paul uses this seemingly desperate moment of survival for his own shagging needs with his girlfriend. After a night of van rocking and candle burning, Erica and Paul fall asleep. Their love making seemed to peek the interest of the noisiest cricket and frogs in the swamp just as the creepy Yorga attacks. He knocks out Paul who is on a pee break and attacks Erica for a quick midnight snack. A little known medical fact that when a guy is hit on the head while peeing it causes temporary amnesia hence why Paul can’t remember a thing of the attack the very next day.

Erica starts going all grey skinned and continues to lose blood as well as personality until she’s rushed to the doctor. Dr. Hayes prognosis is to get lots of rest and eat lots of steak as raw as possible. Yes it’s the 70’s…so eat steak, smoke and drive with no seat belts. Erica skips the steak and goes right for the pet cat instead just and Dr Hayes and Paul arrive home. Dr. Hayes as a man of science and reason makes the immediate leap she was bitten by a vampire. Can’t say I’d want a doctor who makes snap paranormal diagnostics. “That head cold you have…yeah that’s a demon trying to escape from your skull…we’re going to have to drill!”

Erica is kidnapped by Yorga to join his harem and get all the club benefits like sleeping in the basement on cold stone slabs and eating sewer rats. You can see why the ladies love the Yorga. So Paul and Dr. Hayes make a hap-hazzard plan to invade the castle at mid-day. They hit the snooze button a few too many times from their nap though and end up getting a late start to battle the undead. With no real combat skills and poorly constructed weapons of broom stakes, broken furniture and duct taped crucifixes things probably won’t go well for these Van Helsing wanna-be’s. But you’ll have to check it out yourself. A good b-movie that reminds me of vintage hammer horror films., a sort of modern take on vintage dracula. I say rent it but wear a turtle neck.

Keep an eye out for…

- vampire McLovin’
- séance shenanigans
- kitty snacks
- if the van’s a rockin’…yorga’s a knockin’
- vampires on a stick
- smoking jackets of the undead
- handyman backbreakers
- Bulgarian Bordellos

Vampires truly suck.

rated 7.5 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Count Yorga, Vampire

“Bring it On!“

With the onset of a cold winter we’ve had a few indoor events at the local sporting arena. Usually there’s such exciting events as insurance agency seminars, the occasional gun and knife show and the ever popular women’s expo, an exploration in the dark art of potpourri and decoupage. Recently I was fortunate enough to check out the BIG RV and camper show there. It’s an extravaganza of gas guzzling houses on wheels. You could move a Chinese family of 8 into one of those giant display campers and have them live there quite comfortably. Heck those RV’s have everything I could ever need. When tours would come through I’d just be like “Hey I’m trying to take a shower here! Can I have some privacy please?” Only in America would we be lazy enough to want to drive a whole house across the country. “You know I don’t really want to leave my couch…if only there was a way I could take my living room, kitchen, and bathroom with me. Then I could go see the largest ball of twine!” and so RV’s were born.

In “Race with the Devil” the central star is also a giant gas guzzling camper. It’s a bit older and the interior is encased with shag carpet and wood grain paneling, enough to make your eyes water, but it can still hold it’s own against the onslaught of hippie devil worshipers. A “race” with belezabub is not really a race as much as it is a competitively fast paced walk with occasional rest stops for snacks & ammo and the refreshing dip in the public pool. The racing RV belongs to Frank Stewart, a greasy little elf who is partners with a motocross star wanna-be, Roger Marsh, played by the always groovified Peter Fonda. They plan to take a vacation to Colorado for some rest and relaxation with their fragile nerved girlfriends and practice up on some their combined drinking and motorcrossing skills. During a night of drunken debauchery and fondue they inadvertently notice some hippie tree huggers (in this case tree burners) having a party in a nearby field. What at first appears to just be a bad local outdoor theater production turns into a human sacrifice ceremony. You usually have to pay extra for that.

Figuring these are no renaissance festival actor rejects, Roger and company pack up the Fonda fondue and high tail it outta there just as the satanic fanboys attack their RV. Narrowly escaping that devil’s tailgate party with only a few broken windows and taillights, they go to the police to report the incident. The cops and sheriff having all the competence of the police force from the Dukes of Hazzard pretty much shrug of the incident as a kids prank but the vacationers decide to take their suspicions to the nearest big city instead. Of course mentioning your secret plans out loud is never a good idea and satanists are notorious for having a keen sense of hearing.

What started out as a nice vacation ends up being a desperate cat and mouse game across the state highways. Campsites turn out to be satanic playgrounds with creepy old people in bath robes who lynch dogs and put rattle snakes in your camper. Evil construction workers cause traffic jams and create detours of doom, and roadhouse bars are revealed to be pagan hangouts where Satan spins his evil tunes through the wailing noise of country music. Oh wait, I guess they pretty much already do that.

It all leads to a great road rage chase scene complete with Peter Fonda riding shotgun (literally) and throwing taquilla bombs at their truck driving pursuers. Fortunately redneck satanists are also bad drivers and the vacationers stocked up lots of booze for their trip. Who said there aren’t benefits to alcoholism?

Definitely a fun little action/horror b-movie for fans of Peter Fonda and even more so for fans of RV’s. So I say check it out and always remember to check your tire pressure, adjust your mirrors, and check all your camper’s cupboards for any stowaway rattlesnakes before your trip. There are old people everywhere and they’re watching you.

Keep an eye out for…

- Devil worshipping BBQ’s
- Extreme off roading RV’s
- Redneck roadhouse of the Damned
- Construction workers of the Damned
- Country music of the Damned
- Snake wranglin’
- Dog lynchings
- Pagan pool parties
- Cult book kleptomania

Do you think Peter Fonda drives a Honda? Then he can just say things like “Hey everyone, wanna drive the Fonda Honda?”

rated 8.3 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Race with the Devil

“Hey baby Did I mention my other car is a Federation Starship?“

William “Tighten my Girdle” Shatner plays Dr. Robert Hansen, probably the last cowboy/veterinarian left in the state of Texas that makes house calls and can still hold his liquor. A local farmer’s prized cows are ending up dead but not by the hand of the local diner’s butcher, so Robert and a convertible driving blond entomologist decide to investigate. They soon suspect the bovine murders maybe due to an evil large insect that drains the blood of it’s victims and burrows itself underground….and no it’s not Dick Cheney. Robert decides to put the moves on the entomologist with his own brand of Shatner shag and for some reason she falls for his cheesy come-on lines all this leading to a lame side story of a love triangle. But what we really want is more spider carnage!

Their suspicions of a mutant spider invasion are confirmed when they find a big nest of tarantulas partying near the farmhouse. Nothing brings down realestate values like swarms of killer spiders and over-acting starship captains for neighbors. So they have themselves a little spider BBQ beach party and toast spider hill. If William Shatner would have just sang some of his old tunes from one of his albums he may have inflicted some substantial spider casualties. The bomb-fire only ticks off the mutant spider army and like an Orkin man’s worse nightmare the spiders decided to overtake the town. There’s town riots, cacooned rednecks, plane crashes, and old men complaining about the weather along with some spider smashing that’s sure to make PETA fanboys cry. Not being a fan of spiders myself I enjoyed whenever any of those critters got mangled, burned, or smashed. It also makes an excellent drinking game. For every spider smashed you take a shot.

Robert or “Rack” as his non-arachnid friends like to call him, trucks over to his sister-in-law’s house to try to rescue her and her daughter but he arrives a bit too late. Apparently the spiders performed a mid field tackle on the sister-in-law when she was running back to the house. Luckily the young girl has superior survival skills and climbed on a table. I never could figure how some slow moving spiders can take down any running human unless they have a 5ft vertical leap. Interesting little fact is the director paid $10 per spider for use on this film, so I’m sure mother’s across the country were more than happy to lend their kid’s pet tarantula for a brief moment of fame. The potential for it to die a horrible death at the heels of captain James T. Kirk is truly an honor.

“Rack Attack” wrangles up some of the survivors and tries to hold up in a cabin resort barricading the doors and windows. Spiders are notorious for breaking down doors. They put the little girl in a cool dark secluded room for a nap (because that’s always a safe place during an spider invasion) but soon discover the spiders are crashing their party via the chimney and air ducts. Didn’t anybody have duct tape in the 1970’s?

This was one of the better spider invasion movies I’ve seen in recent years (not that there’s been that many) and a superior film to the most recent Spielbergerized “Arachnophobia.” You also gotta love the downbeat ending…even if you can see the brush strokes. So I say put down your tricorder and check out Kingdom of the Spiders.

Keep an eye out for…

- sister-in-law wrangling
- extreme cow tipping
- kamikaze crop dusting
- dirt torching BBQ’s
- Kirk-tastics gymnastics
- spider induced tap dancing
- cocooned rednecks snackpacks
- water tower cop crushing
- matte painting apocalypse
- a bad case of bed bugs

“Shatner was viciously bludgeoned while filming when his toupee was mistaken for a renegade tarantula.”

rated 9.3 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Kingdom of the Spiders

“Why would someone put the toilet in the middle of the living room?”

I’ve endured the pain of Gymkata, suffered the Nilbog torture of Troll 2, suffered the tons of farm manure shoveled out by Manos the Hands of Fate. But I could never wish the deep hurting that the movie Starcrash rained down on me. Like getting hit in the gut with a sledge hammer just before you’re pushed off a cliff into a pit of rusted Cadillacs, this movie will make you beg for the excitement of waiting in line at a bank or watching c-span after downing a bottle of Benadryl. I am still suffering post traumatic shock disorder from this movie. I close my eyes and still see the people swimming in space.

Stella Star is a space smuggler super model with a fetish for wearing black leather space bikini’s when fighting evil. Her Playboy profile would read something like “enjoys longs swims in outerspace, prefers men that are bulky robots, turns offs are evil minions, cavemen, PMS-ing giant robot women, and snow.”

I would try to summarize a plot to this film but as far as I could tell there really wasn’t one. It would have just gotten in the way anyways. Stella along with her faithful robot companion Akton, named after a failed diet plan, are fleeing the space police in their goofy looking space cruiser. Maybe they’re just out to replace the giant Christmas bulbs that makeup the background space scenes. Akton has the uncanny ability to make Pink Floyd light shows in his hand for his own amusement and can even see into the near future but most of the time it’s seemingly random irrelevant information. It would be like having the ability of predicting what’s for dinner or when the mail is coming. Not exactly hero worthy.

Stella ends up on a prison planet hauling giant glowing beach balls while working out in her favorite bikini. The beach balls are supposedly powering the prison though they should have just harvested the power of the various perms adorning the actors throughout the film. It’s a little known fact that perms were a major power source in the 1970’s. Each strain of hair is a elaborate network of solar cells creating a vast network of….oh wait I’m having another Starcrash flashback.

Stella escapes and with her other robot boy-toy Elle, who looks to have been hastily assembled with used pinball machine parts and a free-range oven. They decide to explore an ice planet together when their ship is sabotaged by a green Spock wanna-be so they end up frozen like cryogenic TV dinners. But Elle holds Stella’s hand and miraculously that keeps her all warm and fuzzy inside preserved like a galactic pop-tart.

The movie could end right there but unfortunately they are thawed later back on the ship with only a hint of freezer burn. On yet another planet they battle against a giant nippled girl robot who looks liked it was hastily put together by a 9 year old kid with a roll of tinfoil and duct tape. They’re also attacked by some wild woman of Womba who fall down easily via a standard karate chop to the neck. This just happens to be a the only defense move Stella has so they easily escape. Suddenly Christopher Plummer shows up as the galactic emperor and freezes time. What the heck is Christopher Plummer doing in this movie anyways? He must have had some mob debts to pay off.

They finally get the help of a prince played by David Hasselhoff before his Knight Ridder days and before he didn’t need to suck in his gut for Baywatch sand running. David helps fight off attacking cavemen with a mask that shoots powerful laser beams out it’s eye holes. David is relegated to the backup hero role while Akton fights off robots with a light saber or to be constantly out acted by his permed hair

There’s also an evil Count Zartan based loosely on Darth Vadar, if Darth Vadar was a small creepy bipolar Latino with greased pointy hair who can’t stop yelling “KILL THEM!!!” Count Zartan intends to take over the universe via a super secret weapon that drives people insane from giant lava lamps special effects. He accomplishes this all from his fortress of kung-fu grip which is shaped like a giant hand. I was almost expecting the fortress to flip me the finger but that probably would have blown the rest of the $6.00 budget.

There’s a big space battle royal with lots of looping film footage and firework explosions. In case you never seen a spaceship launch before, the director is more than happy to show it you a dozen or so times over and over again. Laser blasts a pletny, model kits on fire, light saber duals and poorly balanced robot guards round out the film. And just when you think you’ve seen it all you geet torpedoes packed with imperial soldiers launched at the evil count’s base ship! A failed military tactic if I ever saw one.

Really this movie has to be seen to be believed. Definitely entertaining and purely awful. A so bad it’s good experience like fizz candy and Coca -Cola mixed together. Sure you’ll get a sugar buzz out of it but your stomach might explode.

Keep an eye out for…
- attack by lava lamp
- space swimming
- giant radium gumballs
- Hasselhoff hair
- giant robot nipples
- torpedoes stuffed with soldiers (wtih a side of salsa)
- redneck robots built like a GE oven.
- Christmas tree lights based galaxies
- Spaceships made of old model kit parts and household utensils

“Please Don’t Hassel the Hoff!”

rated 8.0 out of 10 for the movie

Check out this clip from Starcrash

“If stealing cars doesn’t work out, I plan to convert this place into an AppleBee’s”

I learned to drive a stick on my 69 Camaro back in the late 80’s. I was 16 and felt indestructible but really had no business being behind the wheel of such a fine tuned performance machine. Luckily my Dad trusted me that I wouldn’t wrap the bumper around a tree and took me out on a back road for some driving lessons in humility. This was so just woodland creatures could point and laugh. I stalled and stopped quite a few times before getting that engine to actually push the car down the road. Once I did, I realized the thrill of a driving a street machine so I was hooked and never looked back. But my how times have changed, now I drive a mini-van and attend PTA meetings. So soccer mom’s best watch out for the mini-van man cruiser.

Vickinski certainly didn’t need driving lessons in gone in 60 Seconds. This original 40 minute chase extravaganzas with 58 minutes of horrible b-movie schlock padding. Vickinski is a professional car thief played by the multi talent H.B. Halicki. HB directed, produced, wrote, distributed and starred in this giant ad for effective car collision insurance. I think he even did the catering. The deal is his team of car thieves have to steal 46 cars for some insurance scams, one of which is a 1973 Mustang Mach 1, which they’ve codenamed Eleanor. Eleanor seemed to be all around town though. The city apparently has more Yellow 73 mustangs per capita than any other city in the world. They’re standard issued to people like the Peter Frampton Comes Alive album.

So Vickinski gets multiple chances to steal the mean muscle machine and eventually succeeds but somehow forgets to disable it’s car alarm. So the cops with their superior observation skills start chasing him…and chasing him…and oh yeah more chasing. Hundred’s of cars are trashed, crashed, and burned. Lawsuits are being filed everywhere. The Mustang takes quite a beating as well but keeps on going like an Energizer bunny on crack. If Ford Motors built cars like that today maybe they wouldn’t be begging on the street for spare change.

It’s funny seeing the pedestrians standing around in the film as they’re obviously there to just to watch a movie getting filmed. Especially look the big jump finale for a huge crowd on the hillside. Did they pay for tickets to that event? I guess the director wants us to believe large groups of people congregate randomly near highways for potential traffic accidents.

This was a great film if you can endure the first half of porn-actor quality acting and constant Polish ethnic slandering but as soon as that Mustang revs it’s engine, get ready for a ride.

Keep an eye out for…
- chop shop wall-o-porn
- gratuitous use of polish slurs
- road-sweeper sized sideburns
- car crusher kung-fu
- towed! in 60 seconds
- the fast and the frizzy hairstyles
- boat sized pimp cars
- flour bag o-rama

“The hair-do’s in this movies were so large that the actors looked like frizzy oranges on toothpicks.”

rated 8.1 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Gone in 60 Seconds

“Yup sir, in real estate it’s all about location, location, location!”

Blood Shack… no it’s not a hit song by the B52’s but it is a crappy movie that will take away a bit of your soul. I’ve endured the horrors of Gymkata, suffered the Swayze-isms of Roadhouse but I had yet to know such pain as Blood Shack. From the director that brought us such memorable films as “The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and became Mixed Up Zombies!” comes a new level in strange and dull horror. Originally called “The Chooper” but also known in some circles as “Curse of the Evil Spirit”, the film was made for well under $500 putting the “b” back in budget b-movies.

The plot is as nearly as thin as our main flag pole shaped hero, Daniel. He likes to work on his desert landscaping by poking the dirt occasionally with a shovel and moving rocks from one pile to another. Danny-boy also likes striking a pose leaning on his shovel in front of his poorly constructed triple wide trailer….that about sums up his daily routine. Oh he also enjoys mumbling and then suddenly bursting into fits of verbal abuse towards his two grimy kids to break up the monotony. The kids portrayed convincingly by the director’s own children pass the time by playing musical chairs with only a single chair (will the fun ever stop?) They also trying to sneak into the haunted shack next door to jump on the stained matress like a trampoline. A rare film in which furniture actually out acts the cast.

Carolyn Brandt a real b-movie actress who plays herself, inherits the land the shack resides on and is determined to keep it since it has a underground lake. No green grass in sight for miles so you just have to take their word for it. The house is also supposedly haunted by an Indian demon called a Chooper that kills everyone that crosses its threshhold, which up to that time has been just a whiny teenager and a local plump sheriff who practically sweats grease so it’s not exactly legendary. When the terror of the chooper is finally revealed it’s carrying some sort of BBQ sqewer and is wearing what appears to be a bad ninja outfit you’d buy at a halloween store. Oh the horror…please make it stop.

The movie originally was only about 55 minutes long so they had to go back and add some additional footage which amounted to endless stock footage of rodeos to make it feature length! That’s the true horror of “The Chooper.” I think there’s a special place in Hell for the really bad people where they make them watch this movie over and over again.

I’d say check it out simply for it’s awfulness so anything you’ll see after it will taste like a fine four-course meal. The most action this movie has is simply trying to find the hidden Joe Bob Briggs commentary track buried in the DVD extras. It makes the whole movie much more digestible.

Keep an eye out for…

- mattress stains in the shape of Maryland
- gratuitous use of rodeo footage
- 2 shallow buried bodies
- hat flyin’
- ninja pajamas
- roof leapin’ chooper demons
- rock landscaping
- voice overs…and overs…and overs

I have never seen a movie where the director puts up posters of his other movies in a film. It’s like he’s saying “Yeah I know this film sucks, but maybe you’ll like one of these instead!”

rated 1.9 out of 10 for the movie and 8.6 for Joe Bob Briggs Commentary track.

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out this brief video overview of Bloody Shack I put together for your enjoyment.

“shhhhh…did someone say there’s a sale on plaid!?”

In the fine cinematic tradition of Hell High, Halloween, and Friday the 13th, Blood Sisters is another slasher wanna-be where the madness and mayhem all stem from an innocent kid going through traumatic events thereby making them psycho killers adults. All child actor stars should be watched carefully by law enforcement if this is the case. The movies start when a little girl calls a young boy a pervert because he doesn’t have a father. This doesn’t make any sense at all..wouldn’t that make him a bastard and not a pervert?

Apparently it traumatizes the boy much more than the fact then he’s the son of a prostitute who lives in a nearby brothel house. This small business startup apparently was overlooked by the neighborhood association. The Victorian house is filled with some weird ladies of the night dressed in strange westerns neo 18th century wardrobes just hanging around looking like they just took a dozen Benadryls.

Well business goes bad when one of the patrons and an employee of the month is killed via a double barrel shot gun. The brothel is shut down for good apparently not just for breaking some local noise ordinances. Eeesh did anybody notice before that there was a house of hookers in the neighborhood?

Flash forward 13 years and the co-eds of a local sorority are pledging their new members. Much like a PBS pledge drive it consists of weird rituals, white robes, and drinking goats blood. Their next secret initiation is spending the night in the legendary abandoned whorehouse which is also now supposedly haunted. Before their arrival some dorky frat guys who barely can muster enough intelligence to carry a box through a doorway set up pranks to scare the girls. Every stereotype of girl arrives there, nerdy girl, trashy girl, won’t stop talking girl, snobby girl, plus some other girls who apparently are so dispensable that there names aren’t even mentioned. I believe in the credits they’re referred to as big haired victims#1-4. Take count as they all kinda look alike in the set’s bad lighting.

Watch in horror as the girls try to escape to their van only to find that it won’t start (shocking!) and while complaining that it’s too cold to stay there decide to go back into the house where the murder still lumbers around. Apparently they’d rather be killed than a bit chilly. It’s a guessing game who the murderer is but if you pay only the slightest attention you’ll figure it out. This movie is lame and it’s only saving grace is the terrific commentary track by Joe Bob Briggs and for that it is well worth taking a look.

Keep an eye out for…
- jack-in-the-box scene of terror
- JCPenny manquin noosings
- flying scarfs
- shot-gun view-cam
- dangerous over-acting
- special f/x ghost hookers

rated 3.1 out of 10 for the movie (8.8 for the commentary track and interview)
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the quality acting in this pivotal scene from Blood Sisters