“When New York hookers have a slow week, they’ll often perform as street mimes for some extra cash.”

Back in Junior High science class we were forced to partake of the barbaric ritual of frog dissection. You’d think as a horror/sci-fi fan that I would be giddy in anticipating at slicing open a frog like some sort of evil mad scientist. But honestly real gore is well gross…I don’t like it…I don’t want to see it and I especially don’t want to touch it. The site of my own blood makes me qweezy, changing my daughters diapers is it’s own horror show (by the way never feed your kids pork and beans and fresh fruit before bedtime.) So the thought of pulling out those little goey frogs lungs in science class still makes me …oh…..ugh….wait…qweezy..room spinning….

When watching a horror movie I know the gore is fake, the situations are fake and I’m in no immediate physical danger of loosing a limb or having my soul swallowed… well at least during the work week. If I ever happen to be stuck at a summer camp with a history of teenage mutilations rest assured then I’ll be calling for a cab to take me home immediately. If I’m ever faced with the situation of battling demon elves that I inadvertently let loose while reading from the scrolls of an ancient book..well then that’s just my own darn fault for majoring in ancient Latin. But real life gore, like removing the innards from a helpless tree frog ,is not my idea of entertainment nor is it educational. Given the opportunity, I might try to hook it up to a car battery and jump start that little Kermit back to life. Sure It’ll probably shoot him across the room in an amphibian ball of flames smelling like french fries but at least I tried to bring the little green guy back to life. I am nothing if but pro-frog.

Jeffery Franken faces a similar dilemma in the cult classic Frankenhooker. Jeffrey is a mild manner Jersey electrician who has just lost his fiancee, Elizabeth, in a horrific lawnmower accident. Blondes should not operate heavy machinery while thinking or standing in front of them. Jeffrey somehow sneaks away his fiancee’s head in a bowling bag I’d presume and preserves her in the spacesaver fridge out in the garage right next to to the frozen fish fillets. He also happens to dabble in electro-genetics so he devices a plan to bring Elizabeth back from that great lawn clipping pile in the sky. Through the process of drilling his own head with a craftsman power tool he devices the brilliant plan to develop a batch of jiffy-pop explosive-crack cocaine to use on a group of hookers. It just goes to show people get inspired in all sorts of different ways. So It’s a 4th of July fireworks display of exploding hookers parts giving Jeff an all you can carry buffet of left ho-vers to use for his Elizabeth 2: Electric Boogalo. Through a lightening storm Elizabeth is resurrected as a brand new woman in high heeled Franken boots, purple eye shadow and a pointed bra but instead of being the dimwitted blonde, she’s a crazed hooker monster (a mooker?) out to make some extra cash. The only problem is she keeps scaring away customers and the few that she does bag surprisingly explode from all her pent up sexual static-electricity. All Jeffrey wants to do is settle down and make little Franken babies with her so he goes off to try to rescue her from her new career. I can’t believe I never saw this movie as a teenager It’s truly a fine example of 80’s horror/comedy. There’s also a great twist ending with revengeful spare hooker parts and a pimp named Zorro… you had to know a pimp was going to be involved somehow but he’s not a fencing masked vigilante. So head on down to the video store, put your money on the table and proudly ask if they have Frankenhooker in stock. Some Assembly may be required.

Keep an eye out for…

- combustible crack ho’s
- girlfriend lawn mulching
- head drilling
- explosive hamsters
- extreme sexual static friction
- whiplash decapitations
- bucket of legs and breasts (and it ain’t chicken)
- body building pimps named Zorro
- revengeful spare hooker parts

“Wanna Date? got any money?”
Hey aren’t those the first and last questions you should ask on a date?

rated 9.1 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Frankenhooker

“Little Johnny didn’t sleep well that night. It may have been due to his new Hasbro’s Demon from Hell night-light.“

When I was a young kid my biggest fears were 1. Having my parents continue to dress me in country western shirts and friction inducing corduroy pants for school and 2. That creatures living in the sewer would come up through the toilet and drag me down to their netherworld. Both of which give me bad flashbacks and why to this day I have yet to use a public bathroom in a rodeo bar. My older cousins would also say those giant green porta-potties were simply a means to transport the toilet creatures from one part of the country to another only furthering my phobias. Sure maybe it was a hoax on a gullible fashion-challenged kid or perhaps it was a part of a larger undercover government conspiracy to thin crowds at county fairs and racing events. The truth may never be known.

In the movie C.H.U.D., the director apparently suffered some of the same childhood dramas as myself and used filmmaking for his therapy. C.H.U.D supposedly stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. Run for your lives! It’s an acronym movie title… oh the horrors! but wait it turns out that it actually stands for Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal which is the name of a secret government policy to dump toxic waste under the city streets of New York. Would New Yorkers even notice the difference…probably not, that is until a cute little dogs get mutilated and a photographer starts screening his calls…thats when the cops are called into action. Christopher Curry plays Captain Bosch…a good cop with a disturbing mustache who is trying to find out the cause of the sudden disappearance of his wife and dozens of homeless people in the city. He meets A.J. played by City Slicker Daniel Stern, a centaurian looking fellow who runs a soup kitchen and is occasionally out-acted by his enormous hair or stained shirts. A.J. (when will the acronyms end!) is convinced that his homeless friends are being snatched up by someone or something in the sewers like a demonic Leona Helmsley looking for a few new hotel servants. The captain isn’t convinced though until they discover a giant moon boot and a clock radio that also acts as a geiger counter…shoot I have those things in my basement and I don’t have a CHUD problem….yet. The clock radio lights up like a Christmas tree indicating something is moving towards them and then the something starts growling. They express mild concern in the possibility of a horrible mutant creature about to munch on their innards and casually head back to the surface to attend a board meeting, successfully diffusing what could have been a actual tense situation.

Meanwhile in what seems like a completely different movie, George Cooper played by John “made for t.v. movie” Heard is taking photos of his pipe-cleaner shapely girlfriend, Lauren, who complain about pimples on her butt and wants to have lots of babies. George is also trying to hunt down one of his other star photo models, a homeless bag lady whom he has to bail out of jail. She brings him down below the city streets for a tunnel of garbage tour and to show him a chewed up leg which resembles someone’s unfinished BBQ ribs dinner platter.

A plot finally tries to rear it’s ugly head but thankfully is squashed via long scenes of useless dialog and dull boardroom scenes that play right out of a community theater production. Where is the cannibalism!? Government and city officials deny the existence of the C.H.U.D.S. then Daniel Stern has a temper tantrum and throws a book silently across the desk and suddenly they starting telling the truth. Guantanamo Bay should take notice on these interrogation techniques.

The officials decide to destroy the mutants by attempting to gas the tunnels and seal off the manholes. Meanwhile the captain simultaneously decides to send in a squad of police officer armed with standard issued flame throwers apparently forgetting the devastating results of what happens when you light a fart only on a much bigger scale.

A.J. and George end up trapped underground as a few escaping mutants attack John Goodman dressed as a copy at a local Diner. The John Goodman sized-snack doesn’t seem to ruin their appetites and they continue their night of rampage. Luaren is also attacked by a C.H.U.D. in her apartment but her class on samurai sword fighting self-defense at the YMCA finally pays off. She then steals a police car with keys still in the ignition and hightails it to the diner to find out where her boyfriend is. The scapegoat government official will do anything to make sure the public doesn’t know about the mutants and attempts to kill all the witnesses including A.J. and George still trapped below the city streets. Always better to kill every innocent bystander then letting them know you were illegally dumping toxic waste.

C.H.U.D is pure 80’s horror cheese. The gory effects are great and the over the top acting made this an enjoyable afternoon movie between info-mercials about carpet cleansers and botox creams. So I say CHUD it out….and always be sure to check the toilet seat before sitting.

Keep an eye out for….

- professional phone screening
- elf-like neighbors
- canine lynch mobs
- standard police issued flame throwers
- mutant neck extenders
- extreme shirt staining
- epileptics with rambo knives
- boardroom theater shows
- coin eaters…keep the change
- lost moon boots
- ground chuck-o-legs
- clock radio’s with optional geiger counters
- aggressive pay phone collectors
- shower clogs
- highbeam eye-lights
- gratuitous use of the term “manhole”
- explosive bread delivery trucks

Name that CHUD

a. Chihuahua Hound Undersized Dogs
b. Communist Hungarian Urban Development
d. Contortionist Hiding Under Desks
e. Contaminated Husband’s Underwear Discovery
f. all of the above

rated 7.6 out of 10 for the movie

Watch the trailer for “C.H.U.D.”

“I said I wanted my steak medium rare…not undead.”

Have you ever been to a barbaric little restaurant called Fuddruckers? Sure the name sounds obscene and makes old ladies blush but not nearly as bad as the bakery inside called “Mother Fuddruckers.” I kid you not, that really is name of their bakery! Fuddruckers is noted for it’s delicious and enormous hamburgers. It also has the unique charm of having an actual butcher shop window right as you walk in. Nothing better than seeing those cows getting strung up, diced and sliced before your very own eyes or seeing the looks of horror on little kids faces. Sort of like picking out the lobster at your local seafood restaurant. Except they don’t parade the sad-eyed cow in front of you before they take them in back and to get Fuddrucked. Maybe it’s just my mad cow disease speaking but the burger’s do taste delicious even if I do get a tinge of guilt seeing their surprised friends hanging there in the window. I do have a tender spot in my heart for a tender ribeye.

In the zombie cop-buddy movie “Dead Heat” there’s at least one raging undead bovine who gets it’s revenge. Treat Williams plays Roger “I ain’t dead yet” Mortis…a mundane straight laced cop with some straight laced ties and straight laced hair, the man could double as a leveler. He and his partner Doug played by the always greasy Joe Piscopo cruise around in a old convertible waiting for a crime to occur but only on sunny days. A routine bank robbery takes place around the corner and they’re called in to deliver some much needed Piscopo one-liners and a steady shower of machine gun bullets. It looks like most of the LA police force has shown up for this event driving Krispy Kreme’s stock even lower. The robbers who look like rejects from a local S&M triathlons don’t go down without a fight..in fact they simply don’t drop. Bullets keep riveting their bodies and they keep on firing back that is until Roger has the idea to run them over with a hunk of 80’s Detroit metal. Treat Williams is judge, juror, and executioner. It would have been even better if he said something like “Trick or Treat suckas!”

Later an autopsy reveals that the robbers had been to the morgue before. Morgues don’t often get returning customers..they should get a discount punch card for that or something. Rodger and Doug trace the criminals back to a research facility where they infiltrate a high security door via a credit card lock pick and discover a giant waffle maker that also happens to bring the dead back to life, the ultimate breakfast machine. While attempting to escape they also encounter a giant two faced hell’s angel zombie with a generally mean disposition and super human strength. Mutant two face bikers always make the best security guards since they can see both directions down a hallway. Rodger gets trapped in an industrial strength vacuum sealer which is normally used to euphanise puppies (or old people.)

Rodger gasps his last breath while Doug helplessly bangs on the glass yelling “Nooooooo!!!”…sure he can sneak into a high security facility but can’t open this door? Doug’s brain cells finally begin to fire and he gets the brilliant idea of putting Roger on the waffle-maker to bring him back from the dead. Roger through a series of electro-therapy shock treatments becomes the undead. He seems to be pretty happy, feeling good, and has a great outlook on life…until he learns he will decompose into a pile of goo in less than 48hrs. Way to bring a guy down. So the crime fighting duo decide to try to find out the leaders of this crime ring of the undead and end up at a Chinese butcher shop where it’s all you can eat or all you can run away from screaming. It’s an army of duck heads, flapping fish and sides of beef reanimated as an undead buffet. Where’s the food safety inspectors when you need them? Zombie’s with machine guns also show up for an impromptu zombie pool party later on at a beach house with plenty of snacks and impaling…and since when did zombie’s learn to operate firearms? Oh did I mention everyone in this movie either dies or is already dead? You just don’t see that enough if buddy cop movies. Anyways you know things aren’t going to end well for Roger as he’s decomposing all over the place but is saving up just enough strength to kill Vincent price and the dad from “A Christmas Story.”

This was a fun little 80’s horror/comedy…more emphasis on the comedy side with Pepsico’s constant running one-liners. Somebody please stop pulling his string and put him back in his box. Definitely worth a rental but I’d suggest only eating a light salad though when viewing. And you won’t eat at Chinese buffet for a week.

Keep an eye out for…

- biker mutant zombie freaks
- vacuum sealed Treats
- zombie pool parties
- the Vince Price is Right show
- old rich people club meetings
- liver attack
- zombie duck attack
- zombie beef attack
- giant waffle makers
- extreme Piscopo
- Chinese chandelier Laser Light shows
- melting blondies
- bobbing for gold fish
- zombie NRA members

If I had only 48 hours to live I’d certainly wouldn’t spend it with Joe Pepsico.

rated 7.6 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Dead Heat

“Yeah I smoked…. but I didn’t inhale.“

My daughter has recently been asking for a pet hamster. Some people find hamster cute and cuddly. I think they’re furry rodents of evil with beady soul piercing eyes always watching… waiting for their moment to overthrow us. Sure they run endlessly on that wheel like they’re exercising but that’s merely a distraction from their more devious plans of global domination. Just like rats, mice, and ferrets, they were spawned from satan’s little biological test lab (now a research division at Microsoft) and they must be stopped before they take over the planet and convert our Chucky Cheeses into human habitrails. When I saw the movie “Critters” I knew the true origins of these vermin masquerading as pets. Let this movie be a warning to us all. The Critters already live among us.

in Deep space, The “Krites” have escape a prison asteroid and somehow fled their heavily fortified prison cell, hijacked a ship , and plotted a course to the nearest planet. All this with their useless tiny twig arms. When their escape is discovered, glowing silly putty alien bounty hunters are dispatched to go after them by the prison’s warden, a squishy looking alien who looks like he needs a few more reps on the Nordic Track. The bounty hunters watch MTV and late night cable while cruising at a brisk 55mph across the galaxy giving them time to decide who they want to model their faces after. Fake 80’s rock singers always win that contest. What alien wouldn’t want their hair to feather and layer like that? The Krites look for the nearest late night snack planet to escape the bounty hunters which just happens to be Earth (always open 24/7 and plenty of value menu items) and decide to set their ship down near a small farm in Kansas. What is it about rednecks that attract Aliens anyways, it’s like tornadoes to a trailer park. The farm belongs to an super-white family named the Browns who are living the typical farming life. Bailing hay, raising chickens, eating their body weight in corn on the cob, or blowing stuff up with illegal explosives. Young Brad Brown (Scott Grimes) is our red-headed hero who while one night being punished for a crime he didn’t commit witnesses the landing of the Krites ship behind their farm in the forest. Drawn to crashed spaceships like every other country yahoo in every sci-fi movie ever made, he and his dad have to go “check it out” but end up getting scared off by mutilated dead cattle.

When the critters are revealed they look like deranged muppets with slick back hair-do’s and bad dental work. These critters are quick though and can cover some good distance as they role around like turbo charged tumble weeds chomping on every nearby cow they encounter. Eventually they find the Brown’s farmhouse who might as well hang a sign on their door that says Open Buffet. Even Billy Zane and his clip-on pony tail can’t stop these little eating machines. Unfortunately the Critters don’t find Billy Zane very filling and don’t even finish him off…. probably since he’s mostly full of crap. Did I mention I can’t stand that guy? Ever since his low point of playing “The Phantom” in that crappy movie of the same title he continued to strive for even lower depths of acting and super ego-itis. Fortunately Billy’s screen time is short when the critters make a snack pack out of his stomach and then proceed to go after Brad’s older sister. He rescues her by feeding one the critters one of his many homemade explosive. Is this kid on the government terrorist watch list? Well he should be.

The family narrowly escaping takes refuge in their living room (the safest of all rooms in an emergency) and fortify their last stand with mattresses and wicker furniture. An obvious advantage against intelligent razor teethed flesh eating aliens who can shoot poisonous needles.

Meanwhile in what almost feels like an entirely different film by now, the two bounty hunters aliens have commandeered a patrol car and are off partying around town. They stop in at the church…blow some stuff up, stop in at a bowling alley, blow some more stuff up. I think Brad and these guys will have a lot in common. One of the bounty hunters keeps annoyingly shape-shifting his face into everyone he runs into like a bad case of multiple personalities. I think some actors just wanted some more screen time.

The family continues to battle the critters with a shot gun and some broom handles (be sure to give the sibling you like least the old broom handle) so things are looking grim and young Brad decides to make a break for it to find help…or did he just ditch his family? He luckily crosses paths with the alien bounty hunters driving down the road so they all hightail it back to the house and proceed to open a can of whoop-ass on the surprised mutant muppets with some hi-tech alien boom sticks. In the process take out most of the house but Orkin would be proud.

This is one of the definitive sci-fi horror movies from the 80’s and if you haven’t seen it for a while give it another go around. If only too see Billy Zane get what’s coming to him. *shakes fist in air* “Zaaaannneeee….Zaaaaaneee!!!” doing my best impression of captain Kirk from Star Trek 2: Wrath of Kahn.

Keep an eye out for…

- critter toilet plungers
- critter-fu
- Billy Zanified pony tails
- extreme explod-o-bowl
- corn on the cobbing
- mr. potato heads aliens
- mutant projectile porcupines
- pyrotechnic church sermons
- instant extreme home makeovers
- critter vision
- ferrah faucet alien hair

Look for Critter action figures. Now with projectile poisonous darts and amazing kung-fu grip. Pull their string and they’ll say a new curse word. Billy Zane with removable stomach not included.

rated 8.6 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Critters

“Now that’s some ultra spicy chili…I think I’m going to need a Tums.”

Happy Halloween!! Just got back from a brief trick or treating trip with the kids. My daughter got tired and wanted to come home and watch Casper on DVD. A truly terrifying movie if your a cute puppy scared of rainbows. I remember when I was the trick or treating age and we’d go across the whole neighborhood by ourselves and amazingly return in one piece. No chainsaw maniacs chasing us through the woods, no mutants in hockey masks waiting for a spontaneous camping trip…but hey we still had fun. So now we’re working on starting our sugar coma. Amazing how many things you can put sugar in these days and call it edible.

In The cult classic “From Beyond” there’s also plenty of midnight snacking as well though mostly the sucking of people’s brains through their eye sockets but hey that always a nutritional snack between larger meals.

Stuart Gordon returns after making the classic Re-animator with this lesser known yet just as weird and twisted horror film. Dr. Pretorious (Ted Sorel) and his assistant, Dr. Tillinghast (Jeffery Combs), are working in an old mansion on a experiment with sound tones that will allow them to enter a new alternate reality. They do this by stimulating the pineal gland of the human brain with giant tuning forks. Besides giving them major headaches and making dogs twitch they can see the alternate reality inhabited by giant jelly fish and mutant lampreys.

Dr Pretorious is beheaded by a unseen netherworld creature and the cops blame Crawford. Because he obviously bit the head off and hid it somewhere. Locked away in a mental institute to practice his big line about biting off ginger bread heads, he’s soon let go by a young phsychologists played by Barbara Crampton who wants to study the doctor’s experiment. Along with Buford ‘Bubba’ Brownlee (wow could they come up with a more racist name?) they travel back to the house to start up the old hoover tuning fork.

The alternate reality has weird side consequences though as it turns the Physcologist, Katherine McMichaels, into a nymophomaniac dominatrix and cause Crawford to sprout a third eye appendage out of his forehead with built in predator infrared vision. I believe the sound of Kenny G. will have similar effects if played at the right pitch.

Within the alternate reality they soon discover that that Dr. Pretorious is not only alive and has regained his cranial region but is also apparently made of silly putty and can now take weird demon forms and of course has the ability the copy newspaper comics by laying on them. This new super-uber evil Doctor wants to eat their brains for the ultimate sensory experience much like a trip to Denny’s at 3 in the morning. Soon Crawford’s pineal gland pops out his forehead and leads him around town as he sucks out people’s brains through their eyeball sockets! Wow! if you gotta die that’s one of the worse ways of going. You’d think it would be tough to suck out a eyeball though…thick milkshakes are tough through a straw but an whole eyeball…that would be even more a challenge. I’m sure you’ll see it on Fear Factor.

Anyways it all comes down to a big battle in the mansion as the alternate reality spreads throughout the home creating all sorts of nasty creatures covered in goo in every room. Bubba gets eaten by ravenous flies while trying to save his friends only to utter the words…”urgh….gg…..gghjagr..tfttt”. We’ll always remember that Bubba, your kind words of wisdom.
Definitely a must see horror movie especially if you enjoyed the Re-animator series or area fan of HP Lovecraft since this film is based on one his short stories. Have a wonderful Halloween and remember to check under your bed tonight for anything that might eat your brain.

Keep a third eye out for…

- alternate reality tape worms
- nymphomaniac psychologists
- flesh eating mutant fly swarms
- the rapid hair removal monster method
- skull socket brain sucking and brain munching
- thermo-vision, brain seeking pituitary glands (predator vision)
- spontaneous self fixing electrical lines
- tuning forks of doom

Great now we’ll get spam for Viagra treatments for Pineal Glands “Not feeling like eating brains like you used to…try our new Piagra!”

rated 9.2 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for The Beyond…love the last line “Bite off his head like a gingerbread man” Do Gingerbreads go around biting off people’s heads?

“Honey, can we just cuddle tonight, I’ve got a headache.”

In Pixar Animation’s Monsters Inc. we learned that monsters emerge from closets to scare children and harvest their screams to power their monster city. They’re giant cuddly teddy bears with fangs who are afraid of children touching them and have complex social problems. When did we neuter the classic movie monster like this? If it was a real horror movie the big blue monster would have eaten the kid while she slept, burped up a shoe and picked his teeth with her hair clip..movie over. Unfortunately Monsters in the Closet doesn’t help monsters regain any sort of dignity.

Richard “Don’t call me Superman” Clark is a mild manner reporter who is put on the case of some mysterious deaths in a nearby small town. Some people were found dead in their closets (apparent death by over accessorizing.) The brutal yet offscreen carnage of a blind man, his dog and a whiny little girl doesn’t really catch the newspaper’s attention so the newspaper owner sends in Richard Clark as a joke to cover the story. Dick meets Diane, a biology teacher at Chestnut Hills College. We assume she’s a professor only due to the fact that she wears a lab coat and has glasses. She’s otherwise passable as an airhead super model who has random blackouts in middle of conversations. Diane has a far out theory that the victims are being killed by a snake-like creature that travels from closet to closet across the town. Along with another scientist, Dr Phillip Pennyworth who has a strong resemblance to a hung-over Einstein and a PETA lovin’ preacher, they decide to hunt down the creature and stop it’s closet killing rampage. Dr. Pennyworth thinks that he can communicate with the monster via repetitive and annoying xylophone playing but that only ends with the monster punching out his heart. Isn’t that the same way Einstein died?

An extremely ineffective branch of the army is brought in to throw every missile and bullet they can at the monster. The same army used in most godzilla films who can’t seem to aim worth a darn. When nothing works, the army hightails it back to barracks and orders a city wide evacuation. A bit over-reactive along with the news casters claiming the end of the world is upon them.

Diana and Dick stay behind in town to try to electrocute the monster with a giant metal hot plate. See Dick Die…Die Dick Die!!! But there’s no accidental electrocution of Richard or monster munching on his useless brain stem. Instead he lures the monster into the trap with a chocolate bar. A bold move and a big sacrifice for Richard since he’s compulsively eating chocolate bars all day. The guy should be 300 pounds with acne the way he packs away the junk food.

Of course the hot plate fails as well as a hastily home-made laser beam built by Diane’s genius son who also nearly gets kidnapped by the monster while at the elementary school. Sure the kid can build a laser gun but can’t avoid a slow moving guy in a giant rubber monster suit. This is why nerds don’t play sports.

When it looks like everyone is going to become a midnight snack the monster suddenly falls in love with Richard and carries him away! WHAT?!! the monster is gay? of course, hence the movie title!! with no monster pride parade for it to march in, It tries to escape with it’s new kidnapped boyfriend via closets around the town but residence have already started burning them or chopping them up with axes. Richard is also incapable of breaking the monsters grasps as he continues to faint everytime he wakes up. Major wuss.

I can only recommend this movie based on its pure cheese-factor. You won’t be scared and you’ll end up hoping the monster wipes out this even more dumbed down human race. Be warned it’s rated PG yet had some accidental full frontal nudity of a blond bimbo in an early shower scene? Oops Apparently the ratings board was still smoking weed in the early 80’s and missed that little scene. Though I’m sure the 12 year olds that couldn’t get into Porky’s Revenge at the theater appreciated the camera mishap.

Keep an eye out for…

- the ancient Chinese xylophone torture method
- slimeball news reporters in light blue leisure suits
- Clark Kent look-a-likes addicted to chocolate bars
- German Shepard suicides
- monsters coming out of the closet.
- walkthrough electric hot plates
- extreme closet makeovers
- toy bugle monster calling

“Please destroy all your closets! though you may want to take the clothes out first.”

rated 6.8 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Monster in the Closet

“Oh no… not another one of my gas attacks.”

Why do my fortune cookies always give me such vague predictions. “You will enjoy prosperity and good health.” Uh… okay when? It might as well say “You will have breakfast and you will be full and enjoy a brisk walk to the front door from your car.” Let’s get some specifics. How about…”avoid pork on Wednesday or it will give you botulism” or “Don’t go hiking on Saturday with granola bars in your pocket or you will be mauled by a bear” But nooo…I only get to know that my lucky numbers are 6-23-56-7. Not even enough numbers for a Lotto ticket.

Kurt Russel should have read his fortune cookie a little closer. “Avoid lawyers who look like Kim Cattrall and green eyed Chinese woman. Go home and take a nap.” But Kurt’s Character Jack Burton, just can’t help finding Big Trouble in Little China. Jack and his friend Wang Lee are at the airport to pickup Wang’s green eye girlfriend only to end up getting her and a couple of other ladies kidnapped by a local gang of sunglass wearing crip gang wanna-be’s. So much for Jack’s introductory demonstrations of heroics. Later they attempt track them down while driving the narrow streets of San Francisco in Jacks’ Giant Pork Chop Express Semi Truck. Not exactly being stealthy, they stumble upon an impromptu Chinese street war. Safe in the confines of the truck they watch the live kung-fu show as if only missing their buckets of popcorn and some gum on the floor.

Suddenly some supernatural powered fighting masters appear out of sky like rejects from Mortal Kombat and start unleashing their own Wang-chung style of justice. Dressed in oversize baskets hats from Pier One Imports, these demon gods can shoot electricity from their finger tips, spin claws of death at their enemy, and fly through the air via some not so well hidden special f/x wires. There’s also the head demon, Lopan who turns out to be the ghost of a living old guy waiting in an underground temple for a green eye Chinese girl that he can sacrifice. Then he can become mortal again and rule the world through a series glowing sword rituals. Confused yet? Don’t worry because Jack is just as confused, probably even more so but that won’t stop him from attempting to kick some supernatural butt.

Jack realizes his hero limitations yet again when he loses his truck to the street gang and is momentarily blinded by Lopan’s secret eyes on high-beam defense move. Man this guy can’t keep track of anything. Finally coming to their senses he and Wang enlist a small army of yellow bandanna wearing martial art experts and a local tour bus driver/alchemist named Egg “overeasy” Shento to find the girls and more importantly help Jack find his truck. They travel to the underworld via a conveniently place firepole and encounter a variety of monstrous roadblocks along the way including a rabid Orangutang, a floating orb of eyeballs, and the black blood of the earth (big clue.. it ain’t oil.)

Jack and Wang spend a lot of time blindfolded and stuck in wheel chairs conversing with an extremely geriatric senior center escapee or having to hold their breath for a variety of underwater magic escapes. Eventually there’s a big battle-royal in the underground temple ala 80’s neon style resulting in lots of aerial sword play, gun fire, and explosive stone throwing. Can Jack and Wang escape the evil clutches of Lopan, save the girls, and find Jack’s beloved truck? Will Kim Cattrall survive to make movies like Mannequin and City Limits?

This is definitely one of John Carpenter’s greatest cult films. Even if it’s been a while since you’ve seen it, you’ll definitely enjoy checking it out again. It really holds up to the test of time just like that box of Chinese takeout still in your fridge.

Keep an eye out for…
- impromptu kung-fu street brawls
- gang members in ridiculous sunglasses
- handicap accessible ancient underground temples
- Buddha vandalisms
- giant rabid monkeys
- floating eyeball spheres
- explosive weight gain 2000
- static electric kung-fu
- glowing old guys stuck in wheelchairs
- firepoles to netherworlds
- Chinese buffets with $1.99 all you can eat specials

“I have a black belt in feng-shui! Stop your evil ways or I will arrange you furniture to achieve harmony with the environment!”

rated 9.3 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Big Trouble in Little China

“Why don’t people take me seriously anymore?”

When I was 10 years old I took break dancing lessons at the local YMCA. My variety of moves was limited to “the wave” and “the centipede” and not much else. But I did have enough common sense to give myself the cool street name of “Electromagic.” Ok you can stop laughing now. I was like a cross between Vanilla Ice and Urkel complete with big hair and parachute pants (in case I ever had to perform an emergency sky dive.) I was poppin’ and lockin’ my way to early midlife back problems and practicing loop tracks on my Casio keyboard. I can still play a mean rendition of Chaka Khan.

Breakin’ brought back all these frightening memories of my early dancing fame. The single brain cell storyline revolves around a struggling jazz dancer, Kelly played played by Lucinda “got no groove” Dickey who hopes to make it big on Broadway someday. During the day she works at a greasy diner as a waitress, then takes evening dance classes under the tutoring of an even greasier dance instructor. One day he puts his best dirty dance moves on her. Disgusted by his creepy Swayze ways, she quits his class and storms out.

Later that day her flamboyant best friend introduces her to a couple of local street dancers named Ozone and Turbo. Ozone played by Adolfo “Shabba-Doo” Quinones and Turbo played by “Michael “Boogaloo Shrimp” Chambers are showing off their super 80’s dance moves at the nearby beach. They have the ability to levitate brooms and can bust a groove but dress like blind people lost in a renaissance costume factory. Specifically watch for Ozone’s Zorro-Michael Jackson ensemble and Turbo’s karate-kid inspired outfit that would make Mr. Miyagee cry.

Seeing that Kelly has got some bad dance moves of her own, the two take her to the local dance-off where street gangs dressed as satanic French men battle with epileptic inspired moves while Ice-T rattles out some “G” rated rap. The losers are most likely to get shot in a drive-by later but Kelly still wants to join the team and help create an unholy dance revenge of terror. With her fine balletic skills and jazz hands she should fit right in.

Against their better judgment they let her join the team and give her the street title “Special K” because you’re only cool if your named after a breakfast cereal. She dances like a corn flake, at first crispy but then gets soggy in milk. Ozone begins to fall in love with her though it’s hard to tell since he seems to exhibit only two types of emotions…frustration and apathy.

Can Kelly ever fit in with a street dancer who wears cut-off shirts and shark tooth ear-rings? Can Ozone ever date someone who lacks his accessorizing skills? Kelly enlists the help of a Hollywood agent who oozes slime as he tries to get them the big break on Broadway so they just might end up dressed as extras in the community players rendition of Cats. Having a difficult time fitting in with the old rich people and finger food at a local society party, Ozone breaks up with Kelly figuring he can’t be apart of her new rich world. Soon he finds there’s a hole in his Ozone heart for her that only 2 scoops of special “K” can fill.

The big tryouts are finally upon them and they dress themselves in top hats and tuxedos. Not blending with the other hopefuls contestants who appear to be dressed in western attire including Kelly’s former dance teacher who resembles an evil Colonel Sanders. Will Turbo Ozone and Special “K” make it on Broadway? Will they ever fine clothes that match?

A great nostalgic trip to the boom-box days of break dancing. It’s definitely smells of cheese but it’s a good kind of cheese. So go check it out and get your boogie on the dance floor. Chaka Khan… Chaka Khan…

Keep an eye out for…
- Jean-Claude Van Damme as a spectator in the crowd
- dance floor epileptic seizures
- diner owners with glandular problems
- whirling guy on crutches
- gratuitous use of head bands and ankle warmers
- midget dancers in garbage cans
- ice-t “lite”
- voodoo broom levitations

“ladies and gentlemen, Electromagic has left the building……on a stretcher.”

rated 7.6 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Breakin’

“Have you ever given thought to learning more about the church of clownology. Cotton candy is the way to enlightenment.”

I’ve wondered what marketing genius decided to combine the dining experience of eating hamburgers with the theme of clowns. Apparently back in the 50’s some marketing executives were sitting around a table smoking some weed and decided “You know what we need to get people to eat our hamburgers, a giant creepy clown in a yellow jump suit” And so McDonald’s was born. A looming ghost faced lunatic who lures children with the promise of cheap plastic toys and obesity in every bag. Nothing says family dining like fast food and circus themes. But why stop at the clown, wheres the trapeze in the kids play area? Where’s the hamburger cannon that shoots the wrapped food to your table? Oh well I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before the McDonald’s marketing guys give that a try.

In Killer Klowns from Outer Space alien mutant clowns want us for their own fast food meals. When a 80’s couple at the local makeout spot are solicited to buy waffle cones and push-up treats by some local goobers in an ice cream truck they suddenly spot a falling comet over the treetops. Instead of taking the apparent river rafting adventure from their inflated life raft they were lying on in the back of their station wagon, they head out into the woods to investigate the comet crash. Surprisingly they come across a glowing giant circus tent inhabited by deformed clowns (hence the title…otherwise it would be “Teens Discover Nothing in Woods and Leave.” What possess people to investigate things that fall from the sky? Always remember when a comet crashes in the nearby woods you run the other way!

The clowns starting attacking the local town folks through elaborate puppet shows and pizza delivery scams shooting them with FisherPrice ray guns that turn them into giant balls of cotton candy goodness. They store the cotton-candified corpses on their spaceship tent for late night snacks. The cops are no help as the chief of police would rather complain to himself about teenage hooligans and eat doughnuts by the box full. He eventually ends up a hollowed out ventriloquist dummy which wasn’t much of a character switch for him. Popcorn attack guns, invisible cars and acid pie fights are just some of the weapons at the clown’s disposal but they could have just given away free tickets to the circus and made it a lot less work. Luckily Sargent Biff McChunk-Head figures out the plans of the evil clowns when his ex-girlfriend is kidnapped and turned into a giant beach ball. So he and his band of surviving dimwitted buddies infiltrate the evil circus strong hold at the local fairgrounds in their ice cream trunk to face off against clown hookers and giant mutant bozo impersonators. Yeah it’s that weird.

A fun goofy b-movie that doesn’t try to take itself too seriously. They have a hunting dog made out of a animal balloons and popcorn that turns into bobble headed clown demons so you can’t help but laugh.

Keep an eye out for…
- popcorn kung-fu
- wholesale size cotton candy
- cop ventriloquist acts
- shadow puppets shows
- redneck comet crash site investigators
- exploding ice cream trucks
- tracker balloon dogs
- kleptomaniacs clowns in drugs stores
- street cleaning parades
- acid pies to the face
- inflato-breast clown hookers
- bad 80’s sweaters

“Ronald, Krusty, Bozo… ye all ain’t got nothing on these Klown gangstas! If they did a drive-by they could fit 20 of their peeps in their pimped ride and put a cap in your chest.”

rated 8.1 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Killer Klowns from Outer Space