“On my planet this shirt attracts the females of my species.”

I’m not what you call a proficient grocery shopper. I don’t stock up on coupons or scan through the Sunday paper looking for the latest deals on canned tuna and toasted Wheat Thins. I only know it’s time to shop when I can no longer make a full meal from the refrigerator’s remaining survivors.. usually some condiments, a jar of olives, and a box of baking soda. So putting on a coat over my PJ’s I’d head out for that late night grocery run.

Late nights food runs you’d often find the store empty of customers so it was difficult to even find a checkout lady to wave me over to her conveyor belt. This time I was forced to confront the newest shopping breakthrough that was the new self checkout machine. Hey I’m a man of the world, a technology connoisseur, I could surely conquer this fancy slot machine wanna-be. First the Cheetos bag wouldn’t scan and when it did, It told me I bought 25 bags worth forever bestowing me the title “the crazy Cheetos guy.” Then placing the items in the bag a condescending computer voice would keep telling me to “Please place the item in the bag”… “Oh you mean the item that’s already in the bag?” The computer didn’t seem to understand any sense of irony. My arms had grown weak from the numerous failed attempts at scanning some cantaloupe and the Fonzi method of banging the machine on the side didn’t seem to help any so eventually a technician had to show me where to put my crinkled dollar bills. Who would have thought groceries need IT support.

I thought technology was supposed to make things easier. When was it decided that “easier” was just do it yourself? Self-serve gas station, ATM banking, and self scanning checkout lines, these are advances in modern convenience? No I want someone else to do this for me because I’m American and laziness is my God given constitutional right. if you’re not going to give me a real person to do the job then at least give me a robot. This 2009 after all, I should have my own jetpack and hover car by now. I shouldn’t be standing in my PJ’s swipping cans of lima beans while a lady in a purple mu mu waits behind me with her big box of glazed chick peas. Next time I will just go when a friendly cashier lady is available that will gladly talk with me about the weather as she scans my groceries while perfectly bagging things so my bread isn’t crushed by the 2 gallon mayonnaise jar and bag of ice (Hey I like potato salad and it was hot that night.)

Speaking of ladies that excel at their jobs. Switchblade sisters introduces us to a gang of street-wise ladies called the Dagger Debs who’ve made a career at beating up elevator passengers and picking fights at the local Dairy Queen. The Debs are led by Lace, a high-strung snappy dresser who works out her dialog through clenched teeth like she’s got a case of lock jaw. She and her gal pals beat up a helpless landlord, go jay walking,  and then take a break at the ice cream shop. Here they run into a cute blondie named Maggie who is hogging one of their favorite seats. Maggie’s your sorta typical girl next door…if your typical girl is packin’ heat and has inner rage issues. Little do they know she’s the kind of girl that will cut you deep for even looking at her Oreo Blizzard the wrong way so she slices one of the gang members across the face with a knife. The police suddenly show up like a swat team before it can turn really ugly. Apparently a doughnut shop was very close by.

The Debs all end up in a juvenile detention center where some big burly lady wardens try to make the night moves on the new girls but end up getting the snot beat out of them instead. Maggie is finally freed from juvi-jail but has an even worse time on the outside when she’s raped by Lace’s boyfriend Dom. Dom is the leader of another powerful gang called the Silver daggers, a ruthless gang of thugs who resemble the cast from Welcome Back Kotter and enjoy playing billiards between felonies. Lace trusts Maggie and invites her to join the Debs not knowing that her and Dom just did the nasty at her apartment the night before. The resident cyclops “Patch” happily points out that Maggie has to be initiated first before becoming a true Deb and then starts whining about how she “lost her eye for this gang.” But really, how can you take a pirate seriously?

They send her on a mission to recover a toy prop necklace from a rival gang leader who goes by the unfortunate name of crabs. Great way to impress the ladies when you’re named after a venereal disease. Crab runs a fake community center where they give out narcotics under the disguise as vitamin pills so that he can buy even more hideous shirts for his wardrobe. Maggie stops by at their headquarters and  pretends to be attracted to Mr. Crabs which is probably the most impressive acting you’ll see in the whole film. In the middle of her seduction act she bites him on his Shootzle Deetzle, grabs the necklace and breaks through a office wall like the Koolaid man. Maggie returns to the Debs triumphant with her newly won trophy. Now there’s no questioning Maggie’s loyalty  with her ability to steal novelty prop jewelry.

Later on the Debs and the Daggers are vengefully ambushed by the Crab gang at the local rollerskating rink.  Lace gets punched in the baby maker whose oven was already preheated with Dom’s unborn kid and Dom gets a shotgun blast to the belly by the big Red Lobster himself. Maggie and Lace have to leave him to bleed to death in the center rink while Donna Summers music still blares on… a truly horrifying fate for anyone.

Maggie and Lace decide they want to avenge Dom’s death so they enlist some black power lady militants who drive pimped out armored Cadillacs and get their kicks making white hippies in disco shirts run and scream like little girls. I think that’s something anyone can really enjoy though. But not everything is as it seems there’s plot twists a plenty as jealously and secrets are threatening to destroy the gang. Who set up whom, who had an affair with who…who is loyal to whom. And when should the word whom actually be used in a sentence? It all ends up in a good old dance of death with switchblade divas giving us a great Shakespearean twist to this little exploitation romp.

Tarantino released this as his second film in his Rolling Thunder film series so be sure to check out his intro and outro on the DVD extras. His movie clerk geekiness clearly shows as he talks in great detail about the film and why they changed the name from The Jezebels to Switchblade Sisters. You can tell he was just up late one night at the videostore wired up on Jujubes and diet Coke while watching it. Also Keep an eye out for Don Stark who plays Hook. Yes it’s the same Don Stark that played Bob Picnciotti in that 70’s show and by gosh he still had the same hair and side burns. A great cheesy exploitation film, Retroman says check it out and be sure to be packin some heat.

- Multiple gang shootings
- 1 neck stabbing
- Medallion-fu
- Wacka-chicka-wacka fu
- Welcome Back Kotter doppelgangers
- Dairy Queen Dagger Queens
- Face plunging
- Swirly-fu
- Vita-van vandals
- Cadi-tanks
- Bellybutton ashtrays

Rated 8.9 out of 10

Check out the trailer for Switchblade Sisters

We’re back with some more movie previews that will hopefully satisfy your B-Movie craving. Most of the movie trailers except for “Black” are either out already, or are coming out sometime in 2009.  Since “Lost Skeleton Returns Again” about to be released we wanted to include the trailer for the original Lost Skeleton of Cadavra in case anyone wanted to refresh their memory for the upcoming sequel. So, turn down the lights, grab your favorite snack/beverage and enjoy the previews below!

The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra

A brilliant homage from writer/director Larry Blamire that perfectly captures the look and feel of those cheesy low-budget sci-fi movies from the Atomic Age. Filled with plenty of hilarious dialog and DIY visual effects that would make Ed Wood proud. Filmed in Skeletorama.

The Lost Skeleton Returns Again

This sequel takes place in a jungle and it appears to have the same elements that made the first one so great. Of course the Skeleton is back and he has a bone to pick! Well, actually only the skull returns this time even though the sequel reportedly was given a bigger budget. And speaking of bigger budgets, this movie proves that you don’t need millions of dollars, random missing film reels, or fake looking distress filters to make a fun throwback movie. I really enjoyed the cheesy charm of the original Skeleton released 2001 that made retro sci-fi movies popular again. Let’s hope this sequel can re-capture the spoof-tacular magic of the original.

Trail of the Screaming Forehead

Looks like another hilarious send-up of sci-fi movies from the 50’s by director Larry Blamire. This time “Foreheads” want to rule the world. Some of the visual effects will remind you of stop motion pioneer and legend Ray Harryhausen (Clash of the Titans). Harryhausen also gave the film his stamp of approval by releasing it under his “Ray Harryhausen Presents” banner. Check it out, but watch out for the brows on the prowl .

Black

At first glance this just looks like your standard action movie set in some foreign location (this time France). But thanks to a fresh mix of comic book style action, a 70’s flavored soundtrack (think Shaft) and some voodoo shenanigans this movie aims to keep things interesting. Even though this movie looks like fun I’m a little concerned that a rapper is playing the lead role. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn’t turn out to be another “Cool as Ice.” Also, the film is in French and has English subtitles, so you might want to brush up on your subtitle reading skills before seeing this movie. But don’t worry you still have plenty of time as “Black” still hasn’t received U.S. distribution.

Rampage

Behold, the Turkish answer to Rambo. A great action movie parody by the same guy who gave us Turkish Star Wars. This movie has a fully loaded arsenal of cheesy sound effects, funny lines and rapid fire hand to hand combat best described as “Wack-Attack-Fu” that is guaranteed to make you laugh so hard you might loose consciousness. Coming to DVD April 24, 2009 for the first time since it was made nearly 23 years ago.

The Ghastly Love of Johnny X

After seeing the awesome retro styled movie poster online, I just had to check out the trailer. And I’m happy to say that from what I’ve seen this movie looks like a fun musical spoof of those old black and white sci-fi movies. There is even a guy wearing a Devo hat. Hey, Devo wasn’t around in the 50’s? This is what I imagine Grease would have looked and sounded like if it had been done as a sci-fi movie. Also, Phantasm fans keep an eye out for Reggie Bannister who can be seen in the trailer.

Hobgoblins 2

Who ever thought director Rick Sloane would make a sequel to his film Hobgoblins, especially after receiving a brutal Chevy Chase style roast courtesy of the MSTK 3000 guys. Well, it took 20 plus years, but Sloane bravely returns with Hobgoblins 2. In the first movie the title creatures which look like a poor man’s “Munchie” escape from an old film vault in their evil quest to make dreams come true and cause murderous mayhem. Fans will be happy to know that the highly anticipated new installment continues the director’s successful formula of stock explosions and car crashes along with his “I threw this together in 5 minutes” production design. And I’m sure when people hear the Hobgoblins theme song at the end of the trailer the catchy tune will break download records on iTunes.

“The chef’s brutal killing of the Kool-aid man was originally censored in theaters”

Well I finally did it I made the ultimate sacrifice as a red blooded male. I terminated my cable service. My TV’s cable is now gone to that big ComCraptic place in the sky. It was the less vestige of where I am king of my domain, master of my destiny, wielding the remote control like how an artist uses a brush, but my paranoia that the government was watching me through the TV screen finally convinced me in to turn it off. Besides my tin foil hat was starting to chaff. Really though it was paying the $70 a month to watch crappy re-runs of Law and Order and American Idol Rewind that I couldn’t endure any longer. I think waterboarding would be a welcome relief compared to that. One thing that I will miss however is the food channel. it’s sort of like porn for us snack lovers. “oh yeah baby…add those diced onions. Saute it, oh yeah fillet it, now peel pack those potatoes…” They create delicious plates of things you’ll most likely never get the chance to eat or can even pronounce. Sure, they claim the meals are easy to fix at home but only if you have your own staff of 20 getting all your ingredients together and you don’t have kids hanging on your leg while the phone is ringing and the dog is chewin’ on your work shoes. Martha Stewart I am not. Shoot my kids are lucky to get macaroni and cheese and on those special occasions we add chopped up hot dogs. Now that’s redneck dining at it’s best.

Speaking of cooks with bad attitudes, the French ZZ-top cook returns for another night of slicing and dicing and lightly sautéing with Bikini Bloodbath Carwash. The soapy sequel to Bikini bloodbath has more bikinis but a little less of the bloodbath. Ms. Johnson played by Debbie Rochon has miraculously  healed from her previous axe to the chest wound to return and run a bikini carwash business. Any women that can come back from an axe impalement is one lady you just don’t mess with. Ms. Johnson tests new employees through interpretive MTV video re-enactments and inviting them over so she can watch them hang party streamers or demanding them to fetch her beers to pickle her liver some more. I think had that same dream once.

The gang of  generic brand college guys show up at the carwash business for some impromptu break dancing and to ogle the gyrating actions of the employees and I believe at some point some cars even got a bit of soap and water on them but I was a little distracted. Later that evening the girls bring out the old trusty ouija board and tell stories of the killing spree in their neighborhood  and wouldn’t you know it, the Chef starts a Ouija chat session. You simply can’t repress the French so he busts out of his make shift grave to track down more fresh ingredients for his souffle of death and revenge.

Ms. Johnson invites the girls over to her house for a long night of alcohol consumption and verbal abuse when the Generic brand college guys decide to crash the party including  the mop headed generic German exchange student hoping to get a Farvenugen for his Schwanznuggen. The Chef starts picking them off one by one until getting eventually done in by a baseball bat because we all know the French can’t play sports. Home team 2, Killer Chef 0 and now I have the urge to get some German waffles. Retroman says check it out and bring a sponge.

- Professor shipwreck
- Community college cobra commander
- Impromptu college breakdancing
- Borat-like foreign exchange students
- Beat-it boobs dance of death
- Intestine munching
- Extreme Camel Toe liquor drinking
- Violin solos
- Nipple cutting
- Gratuitous Jaws references
- Salad spooning
- Jacuzzi-soup

rated 7.1 out of 10

Check out the trailer for Bikini Bloodbath Carwash

“I only wear this shirt to distract people from my face. It’s my only defense.”

On some undisclosed island in the South Pacific, Pam Grier plays Lee Danier, an angry hooker in an evening dress who gets sent to a not-so-classy women’s reform prison in the middle of the jungle. Do not pass “Go”, do not collect $200.  There’s also Karen, played by Margaret Markov,who has likewise earned herself some prison time, due to her nasty habit of trying to instigate revolutions on communist islands. But she looks more like she barely escaped her last photo shoot. Karen and Lee don’t play well together, especially in confined spaces. So when they misbehave in the cafeteria, they’re forced to stand in a walk-in Easy Bake Oven out in the sun for the day as punishment. Fortunately we’ve got a non-stick cooking Pam as our star. The wardens are fed-up with having to break-up their catfights, which cuts into their group shower ogling time. So they chain the two together; make them wear yellow, prison issued mini-skirts; and send them on a bus trip to be interrogated. The bus ride comes to a quick halt, though, when Karen’s rabble-rousing friends attack the convoy. We know they’re revolutionaries because of the amount of their facial hair. The longer your mustache, the more you’re fightin’ “The Man.”

Lee and Karen barely escape into the jungle during the poorly planned rescue attempt, and are forced to hitchhike as nuns across the island and negotiate with oily, fat guys before stabbing them with a screwdriver. They sure make Catholic school nuns almost look tame by comparison. A corrupt cop is sent to track the nuns on the run, but only if he can break away from watching the local drunks play pool long enough. There’re also some hired thugs who are looking for Lee since she is one their prized hookers–their “best in show ho.” They inconspicuously drive around in a giant, decorated, clown jeep, blaring Mexican show tunes, possibly hoping for some women prisoners to just suddenly dart out in front of them, but instead they end up in pointless gunfights or wrestling around in their underwear with the locals. Not quite sure who’re the good guys and bad guys in this one, but I do know that hired thugs look particularly disturbing in baby blue western shirts.

Wouldn’t you think that would hurt your street cred a bit if you wore a shirt like that? Ruben is the head thug with the worst fashion sense, played by Rob Zombie’s favorite psycho, Sid Hag. He reminds me a bit of a local used car salesman, but without the charm and trustworthiness. “Come on down to Ruben Ford–free drug bribes for the kids!”

This is a good little exploitation film, light on the exploitation but heavy on the facial hair and gunfights. Also check out Pam Grier in “Coffy”, another great early blaxploitation movie from the 70’s. She’s all Coffy…without the caffeine.

Roadside Attractions

-Peeping Tom wardens
-chain chockin’
-convincts in a can
-jungle cat fights
-nuns on the run
-jump-starting hookers
-gratuitous use of a western shirt
-puppies with underwear hats
-21 breasts
-37 deaths
-multiple shootouts
-circus mercenary jeeps
-tempera paint blood splatters

rated 7.7 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Black Mamma, White Mamma

“Mr. Johnson’s gallstone sculptures not only frightened away customers but so did his permanent look of surprise from passing them.“

In the early 80’s there started a trend of what I’ve termed the meat by-product movies. First there was Porky’s, Porky’s Revenge, Meatballs, then Hotdog and finally cam along Kentucky Fried Movie to deep fry it all together in it’s original recipe of seven herbs and spices. It was a cholesterol carousel of titles whose movie focus was crude humor, fart jokes, and adolescent guys trying to see boobies. Pretty much what I sum up as most of my high school experience… well and most of college.

So on my quest to find movies in the same genre I came across this little gem. At first when I saw this title I thought it said “The Last American Virginian” which I figured to be a History channel special about the presidency of Woodrow Wilson. To my surprise Woodrow Wilson turned out to be a Ralph Machio lookin’ bandanna wearin’ Italian kid in the 1980’s who catches a bad case of the crabs. The obsessive crotch grabbin’ made sense.

The Last American Virgin is the story of Gary (Lawrence Monoson) and his cohorts, Rick “gotta adjust my collar” and glandular-overactive David, affectionately named the “Big Apple” though I found him to be more of a pear shape myself then a round red apple. Gary’s blandness is only surpassed by his lack of personality while the rest of the guys are focused on trying to get laid or deliver some pink boxes of pizzas to housewives with bad Spanish accents. The first half of the movie is a series of lame joke setups for the pizza gigolos and opportunities to blare out some classic 80’s tunes. The plot writers must have been busy getting sleeping in that week.

Gary is in love with the curly haired girl from “Better of Dead”, Diane Franlin, except she’s in love with Gary’s best friend Rick. Diane’s character, Karin, doesn’t have a French accent this time and there’s no John Cussack asking her to fix his camaro, so this film is already more bearable. She shows little to no interest in Gary’s blandness most likely due to his alcoholism or inability to form coherent sentences . Gary wants to loose his virginity as soon as possible as if that would some how make him even more appealing to Karin, so he and his friends go find a hooker way past her expiration date that gives them all a bad case of crabs. Nothing says “will you be mine?” more than a VD. Then as if the director suddenly went on a sabbatical and a highschool drama teacher was flown in to take over, the movie takes a drastic bi-polar mood swing. From upbeat goofy teen comedy to soap drama in less than a second it’ll make your head spin. Karin suddenly gets pregnant from Rick at which point Rick breaks up with her not wanting anything to do with his new prego-girlfriend. Then Gary swoops in like a vampire from a rafter so that weepy eye Karin will have giant shoulder pad to cry on and he can put some of his bland moves on her. In order to help Karin he relocates her into his now dead grandmothers home and they play pretend family (uh….creepy!) He then sells his enormous wood grain stereo at a local pawn shop to help pay for her quickie drive-thru abortion, makes her breakfast, and buy her a pine tree a with a bag of oranges. Take note, 2 gifts not to bring to someone in the hospital. I really don’t want to give away the ending to this but WOW! A total downer and a big cold blast of reality for us viewers. But hey I admire a director with the steel cahonias to not sugar coat the consequences of teen sex and to not give us the stereotypical ending. No wonder this movie bombed in the box office. Their target demographic, horny guys, will laugh at the crude jokes, enjoy the boobies then after the ending go out and steer their car into a tree. Parents, you’ll want to lock your teens in the basement after you see this but I’d recommend giving it a view. Just be sure to wear protection.

Keep an eye out for….

-pink brady bunch station wagons
- sausage measuring assembly lines
- bike vandalism
- extreme devo
- sugar snorting diabetics
- nympho old Spanish housewives
- library rumbles
- illegal use of 80’s pop-up collars
- denim mania
- interpretive Spanish lessons
- emergency brake failure
- after glow upchucking

“When a VD comes along you must itch it…now itch it…itch it good.” - sung to the tune of Devo’s Whip it.

rated 6.5 out of 10 for the movie (I will give the last 20 minutes or so a 8.4)

Watch the trailer for “The Last American Virgin”