Lost Highway was helping field some questions at this past weekends live DVD release uStream party for the cast and crew of “Bitch Slap.” In case you missed it, Erin confessed her love for Lost Highway, a mime juggled chainsaws, and then America and Julia got into a vicious cat fight over a gin and tonic. Ok well maybe that’s a bit exaggerated but the cast and crew answered some great questions posed by Q&A master Maria through the Twittersphere and I think everyone had a great time being a part of it. You can see some photos from the event here.

Their fame is now your gain as Lost Highway got the just released uncut DVD and an autographed poster from the starlets to give away to a lucky reader. Simply follow us on twitter and send us your best b-movie survival tip @losthighway and you’re automatically in the running! A twitter user with the best original b-movie tip will be chosen on Saturday March 5th and be sure to check out our list of b-movie survival tips so you can come up with something new. Yeah it’s a challenge I know.

So after reading our review below, go pick yourself up a copy of “Bitch Slap” at your local store today (ask for it by name and see the interesting looks you get.) Oh and be sure to check out the exclusive promo for “Behind Bitch Slap: Buidling a Better B-movie” at the bottom of this review. Thanks to the cast/crew and a big thank you to Kristal Bailey for Letting Lost Highway get Bitch Slapped. It’s still stings but we liked it that way.

Ah the bachelor party. That rite of passage for every man who is about to enter the holy bonds and shackles of matrimony. Sure there’s always the next day stories of  couches being set on fire, waking up with a goat drinking beer out of the toilet and of course more strippers that a convention of paint removers. But unless there was some photographic evidence these guys probably didn’t even remember the night before so they most likely were that… just that stories. After all what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas…well maybe except for the syphilis. But with every bachelor party you’re gonna need the perfect bachelor movie. A testerone fueled politically incorrect scantly clad women filled movie of cool. Something that if you wife caught you watching she wouldn’t stop slapping you.

So move over “Roadhouse” “Bitch Slap” is the new perfect bachelor night tradition and all without waking up with a hangover or your wallet stolen. What would be considered a loving throwback to the yesterday of exploitation and grindhouse, this modern day film knows how to play it up campy-style with a sort of wink and nod to it’s audience. When it comes to the 3B’s of B-movieness, “Bitch Slap” pulls out all the punches with a lot of emphasis on the big “B” of Breasts. Wether they’re in slow motion, zoomed in, bloody, cover in dirt, hosed down it’s a definite boobcam of babeliciousness. Throw in some explosions, big guns, and samurai swords and you got yourself a guys perfect wishlist of b-movie gold.

The story revolves around 3 gorgeous girl out cruisin’ in the desert who look as though they’ve just escaped from a Victoria Secrets photo shoot. They’re on a quest to dig up a loot full of diamonds from a has been gangster whom they’ve stuffed in the trunk. Hel (Erin Cummings) is the cool as ice red headed undercover agent who seems to be the lady in charge. Trixie (Julia Voth) is a “angelic” stripper whose crotch glows like a disco ball when she’s doing the nightly grind and Camero (America Olivio) is your resident psycho- pill poppin’ criminal who at any moment might stab you with a rusty screw driver for looking at her cock eyed. Sorta like my ex-girlfriend only a bit more reserved.

Through a series of flashbacks the true identities of the girls and their intentions are revealed just as punk rockers with turrets, and naughty japanese school girls with bladed yo-yos show up for the trailer park party. A lot of time is spent digging and there’s slow mo’ glamour shooting while 3 girls gyrate and shimmy for the camera. My only response to that can be…. “Hell yeah!” and “more please!” Things are not all fun though as a growing mistrust over a secret love triangle is revealed… but hey that’s nothing that another slow mo water fight or trailer romp won’t smooth over. There’s also some plot points involving ancient demon samauri swords, killer viruses stored in lunchboxes and didn’t I see Kevin Sorbo with a bazooka? But hey you gotta rest your eyes sometime from all that cleavage fatigue.

Also keep an eye out for one of the best girl drag down brawls ever to be filmed with Zoe Belle masterly handling choreography of sweet punches, groin kicks, and hair pulling. Girls get kicked, punched, bitten, dragged and body slammed more times than a TV wrestling match so let the feminists flame mail commence.

I think all this film needs is a guest cameo of Xena the warrior princess as a nun…oh wait it’s got that too.

Sure “Bitch Slap” may play a bit like a dear Penthouse letter written by Russ Meyers and mixed in a blender with some Will E. Cyote cartoons but that’s just the perfect recipe for mindless b-movie fun. Rick Jacobson, the director never tries to pretend to make anything different and for that you’ve got to admire the guy.

Retroman Steve says check it out, and be sure to bring some extra dollar bills. There’s no cover charge but it’s got a 2 drink minimum.

- Multiple breast shots
- 2 crotch kills with 1 groin peel out.
- 1 death by yo-yo
- Stripper rodeo riding
- Cleavage cam
- Water fights
- Slow mo digging
- Multiple babe brawls
- Kevin Sorbo-ing
- Glowing strippers
- Turret tantrums
- Big guns
- Xena Warrior Nun
- Vegas gun show spectacular
- Trailer shagging
- Exploding car

9.2 out of 10

“It’s kooterlicious”

Check out this Lost Highway exclusive for “Behind Bitch Slap: Building a Better B-movie”

So last week I got a call at 4 in the morning “Steve this is Drive-in Dan. Do you know what day it is?” I still could barely understand the concept that I was using a phone.  ”It’s Tuesday and this dream really sucks.” I said grogily.  ”Yeah but It’s a very important Tuesday! Today marks the 3 year anniversary of Lost Highway! Can you believe it?” to which I responded “Who is this? and how many pixie sticks you been sniffin?”  ”I’ve cut back to 43 but that’s besides the point. We need to do a contest and give away something cool!” I thought about it for a while. “hello?” he said after a long moment of silence. “I think I got some pop-tarts and a extra tire gauge still in the wrapper. I’ll give them to you if you go away now and let me sleep you strange voice in my head.” “Don’t worry I’ll come up with it…you just sit back and watch the awesome. Gotta go…got to get the reels ready for tonights drive-in… oh and build a walk in shower. Bye!” At that point I believe my snoring drowned out the dialtone.

3 years old…wow that’s like 30 in Internet years. That makes the site so old that I just might go ahead retire now and collect some of that sweet social security the government’s been promising me. Good days are ahead my friends. Yes I’ll now be able to drive with my blinker on all the time and blurt out inappropriate things at parties. People will just be like “oh he’s an old blogger.” and nod their head in sympathy. You young kids with all your Twitterings and Facebookies…I remember when all we had were websites and email and we liked it that way

There are other benefits to being an old blogger. I can get get a handicap parking permit for the strip clubs and senior discounts at any of the local golden shovel buffets. Finally I’ll be able to get my money’s worth without having to be over 300 pounds. “Sorry No room for dessert I just got done eating 3 pounds of ham.” Yes it’ll be a cornacopia of geriatrics and gluttony. I suspect many senior citizens actually live there and just cycle back through the lines.

So I might just stay there or maybe there’s a nice retirement center that specializes in old b-movie bloggers? A place where people like me that can rattle off movie quotes for any occasion. Where movie nights consist of beasts, breasts, and blood. Where board games meet hardcore drinking. Where shuffle board and vodka end in someone breaking a hip. Where Walker fights break over Lipitor deals gone bad and senile gangs start turf wars. “Yeah you see Warriors that’s what you get when ya mess with the Orphans!”

Yes it’ll be a special day when Retroman hits the retirement scene so until then here’s to 30 more years of Lost Highway sheninigans and to future Lost Movie nights at the Shadey Twin Pines Senior Center. I hope to see ya there. Now get the hell of my lawn!

Speaking of senior citizen discounts, in Death Race 2000 old people are the top point getters for hit and runs in the Transcontinental Road Race. Surprisingly even more points than teenagers?! This must be the FUTURE! America is run by a fascists emperor calling himself the president and France has ruined the world …like we all knew it would. The only entertainment for the masses without American Idol re-runs is a race across country pitting 5 cars against each other and any people stupid enough to be jay walking. Consider it an evolution of NASCAR but now the drivers can take out the fans in the Walmart parking lot for big bonus points. David “I know kung-fu” Carradine and Sylvester “I don’t say Adriane anymore” Stallone star in this tale of competitive vehicular homocide. Mr. Caradine fresh from TV decided the best career move was to dress up in a S&M outfit and drive a lizard car. Surprisingly it worked for him. He plays the legendary frankenstein race car driver whose body has been rumored to be reconstructed from used Maytag dryer parts and duct tape allowing him not only shift the car at lightening speed but to dry his own cloths while wearing them. So big Frank and his bombshell beauty copilot Anne (Simone Griffeth) race across country against free-wheelin nazis and blood thirsty cowboys in cars with steer horns for the coveted winners circle. 1st place gets you a hand shake with the president but no commercial endorsements. that’s a whole lotta of chaffing and talcum powder for sitting in a race car that long. Little do people realize Frank has other intentions that don’t involve ads for viagra and plans to blow up the president with a makeshift “Hand” gernade himself. Meanwhile a group of revolutionaries dressed in blue jumpsuits hang around watching TV and plot to destroy the race and replaced Frankenstein with a more pudgy decoy. They learn It’s hard to fake anorexia and Frankenstein foils their plans numerous times while avoiding all their other Willy coyote trappings.*

The racers eventually take a pit stop at their 70’s local civic center and get all nekkid and massaged by big sides of Beef with fake tans. So many boobies! Stallone who plays Machine Gun Joe has a deep hatred of Frankenstein whom he thinks has been stealing the races and taking all his glory. Maybe if Joe stopped gunning down his fans or running over his pit crew he might be a bit more liked. At one point he gets in a scuffle with bean pole carradine when he’s found trying to choke Ann. Big Frank easily kicks Joe’s butt with his patent slow-mo kung-fu but I personally fault Joe’s pink tie. Guys in pink tennis sweaters wrapped around their necks also get beaten regularly. It’s really an epidemic.

Frankenstein later takes out a good dozen or so nurses and doctors at a local drive-thru hospital purposely missing those big scoring old folks parked on the street. He also takes a quick detour to run over the head of his fan club and then peels out on the pope to rack up some major pointage. Yes this is our hero ladies and gentlemen. He runs over medical personal, clergy, and his favorite fans. Later he drugs Annie with some tainted Gatoraide just in time to get dive bombed by a prop plane whose aiming skills is on par with a Glaucomic Barney Fiffe . Racers start getting offed left and right mostly through their own stupidity and it all culminates to  a showdown with the evil Mr. president. Asta la veto baby.

Roger Corman produced this film and actually though this movie would be a disaster when he first read the concept thinking it would be “just too dark and vile.” Luckily the director Paul Bartel convinced him otherwise and knew to take it in a more satirical direction. The result was pure b-movie gold. It’s one of my all time favorite b-movies as well as my first review I did for Lost Highway. So grab your leather jumpsuit and talcum powder and check out “Death Race 2000.”

- Multiple hit and runs
- 3 car explosions with crash and burn
- 6 breasts
- 1 “hand” gernade
- 1 explodo-toddler
- Black leather chaffing
- Homicidal bowling
- Bull fighting
- Exploding head fu
- Fly fishing fu

9.7 out of 10

“Myra, some people might think you’re cute, but I happen to think you’re a very large baked potato.” Wow…a big slam on potatoes everywhere. I’m sure they got letters from people in Idaho.

*ACME in no way endorses this movie or the use of their products and patent ideas for road runner capture.

Check out the trailer for Death Race 2000

“On my planet this shirt attracts the females of my species.”

I’m not what you call a proficient grocery shopper. I don’t stock up on coupons or scan through the Sunday paper looking for the latest deals on canned tuna and toasted Wheat Thins. I only know it’s time to shop when I can no longer make a full meal from the refrigerator’s remaining survivors.. usually some condiments, a jar of olives, and a box of baking soda. So putting on a coat over my PJ’s I’d head out for that late night grocery run.

Late nights food runs you’d often find the store empty of customers so it was difficult to even find a checkout lady to wave me over to her conveyor belt. This time I was forced to confront the newest shopping breakthrough that was the new self checkout machine. Hey I’m a man of the world, a technology connoisseur, I could surely conquer this fancy slot machine wanna-be. First the Cheetos bag wouldn’t scan and when it did, It told me I bought 25 bags worth forever bestowing me the title “the crazy Cheetos guy.” Then placing the items in the bag a condescending computer voice would keep telling me to “Please place the item in the bag”… “Oh you mean the item that’s already in the bag?” The computer didn’t seem to understand any sense of irony. My arms had grown weak from the numerous failed attempts at scanning some cantaloupe and the Fonzi method of banging the machine on the side didn’t seem to help any so eventually a technician had to show me where to put my crinkled dollar bills. Who would have thought groceries need IT support.

I thought technology was supposed to make things easier. When was it decided that “easier” was just do it yourself? Self-serve gas station, ATM banking, and self scanning checkout lines, these are advances in modern convenience? No I want someone else to do this for me because I’m American and laziness is my God given constitutional right. if you’re not going to give me a real person to do the job then at least give me a robot. This 2009 after all, I should have my own jetpack and hover car by now. I shouldn’t be standing in my PJ’s swipping cans of lima beans while a lady in a purple mu mu waits behind me with her big box of glazed chick peas. Next time I will just go when a friendly cashier lady is available that will gladly talk with me about the weather as she scans my groceries while perfectly bagging things so my bread isn’t crushed by the 2 gallon mayonnaise jar and bag of ice (Hey I like potato salad and it was hot that night.)

Speaking of ladies that excel at their jobs. Switchblade sisters introduces us to a gang of street-wise ladies called the Dagger Debs who’ve made a career at beating up elevator passengers and picking fights at the local Dairy Queen. The Debs are led by Lace, a high-strung snappy dresser who works out her dialog through clenched teeth like she’s got a case of lock jaw. She and her gal pals beat up a helpless landlord, go jay walking,  and then take a break at the ice cream shop. Here they run into a cute blondie named Maggie who is hogging one of their favorite seats. Maggie’s your sorta typical girl next door…if your typical girl is packin’ heat and has inner rage issues. Little do they know she’s the kind of girl that will cut you deep for even looking at her Oreo Blizzard the wrong way so she slices one of the gang members across the face with a knife. The police suddenly show up like a swat team before it can turn really ugly. Apparently a doughnut shop was very close by.

The Debs all end up in a juvenile detention center where some big burly lady wardens try to make the night moves on the new girls but end up getting the snot beat out of them instead. Maggie is finally freed from juvi-jail but has an even worse time on the outside when she’s raped by Lace’s boyfriend Dom. Dom is the leader of another powerful gang called the Silver daggers, a ruthless gang of thugs who resemble the cast from Welcome Back Kotter and enjoy playing billiards between felonies. Lace trusts Maggie and invites her to join the Debs not knowing that her and Dom just did the nasty at her apartment the night before. The resident cyclops “Patch” happily points out that Maggie has to be initiated first before becoming a true Deb and then starts whining about how she “lost her eye for this gang.” But really, how can you take a pirate seriously?

They send her on a mission to recover a toy prop necklace from a rival gang leader who goes by the unfortunate name of crabs. Great way to impress the ladies when you’re named after a venereal disease. Crab runs a fake community center where they give out narcotics under the disguise as vitamin pills so that he can buy even more hideous shirts for his wardrobe. Maggie stops by at their headquarters and  pretends to be attracted to Mr. Crabs which is probably the most impressive acting you’ll see in the whole film. In the middle of her seduction act she bites him on his Shootzle Deetzle, grabs the necklace and breaks through a office wall like the Koolaid man. Maggie returns to the Debs triumphant with her newly won trophy. Now there’s no questioning Maggie’s loyalty  with her ability to steal novelty prop jewelry.

Later on the Debs and the Daggers are vengefully ambushed by the Crab gang at the local rollerskating rink.  Lace gets punched in the baby maker whose oven was already preheated with Dom’s unborn kid and Dom gets a shotgun blast to the belly by the big Red Lobster himself. Maggie and Lace have to leave him to bleed to death in the center rink while Donna Summers music still blares on… a truly horrifying fate for anyone.

Maggie and Lace decide they want to avenge Dom’s death so they enlist some black power lady militants who drive pimped out armored Cadillacs and get their kicks making white hippies in disco shirts run and scream like little girls. I think that’s something anyone can really enjoy though. But not everything is as it seems there’s plot twists a plenty as jealously and secrets are threatening to destroy the gang. Who set up whom, who had an affair with who…who is loyal to whom. And when should the word whom actually be used in a sentence? It all ends up in a good old dance of death with switchblade divas giving us a great Shakespearean twist to this little exploitation romp.

Tarantino released this as his second film in his Rolling Thunder film series so be sure to check out his intro and outro on the DVD extras. His movie clerk geekiness clearly shows as he talks in great detail about the film and why they changed the name from The Jezebels to Switchblade Sisters. You can tell he was just up late one night at the videostore wired up on Jujubes and diet Coke while watching it. Also Keep an eye out for Don Stark who plays Hook. Yes it’s the same Don Stark that played Bob Picnciotti in that 70’s show and by gosh he still had the same hair and side burns. A great cheesy exploitation film, Retroman says check it out and be sure to be packin some heat.

- Multiple gang shootings
- 1 neck stabbing
- Medallion-fu
- Wacka-chicka-wacka fu
- Welcome Back Kotter doppelgangers
- Dairy Queen Dagger Queens
- Face plunging
- Swirly-fu
- Vita-van vandals
- Cadi-tanks
- Bellybutton ashtrays

Rated 8.9 out of 10

Check out the trailer for Switchblade Sisters

We’re back with some more movie previews that will hopefully satisfy your B-Movie craving. Most of the movie trailers except for “Black” are either out already, or are coming out sometime in 2009.  Since “Lost Skeleton Returns Again” about to be released we wanted to include the trailer for the original Lost Skeleton of Cadavra in case anyone wanted to refresh their memory for the upcoming sequel. So, turn down the lights, grab your favorite snack/beverage and enjoy the previews below!

The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra

A brilliant homage from writer/director Larry Blamire that perfectly captures the look and feel of those cheesy low-budget sci-fi movies from the Atomic Age. Filled with plenty of hilarious dialog and DIY visual effects that would make Ed Wood proud. Filmed in Skeletorama.

The Lost Skeleton Returns Again

This sequel takes place in a jungle and it appears to have the same elements that made the first one so great. Of course the Skeleton is back and he has a bone to pick! Well, actually only the skull returns this time even though the sequel reportedly was given a bigger budget. And speaking of bigger budgets, this movie proves that you don’t need millions of dollars, random missing film reels, or fake looking distress filters to make a fun throwback movie. I really enjoyed the cheesy charm of the original Skeleton released 2001 that made retro sci-fi movies popular again. Let’s hope this sequel can re-capture the spoof-tacular magic of the original.

Trail of the Screaming Forehead

Looks like another hilarious send-up of sci-fi movies from the 50’s by director Larry Blamire. This time “Foreheads” want to rule the world. Some of the visual effects will remind you of stop motion pioneer and legend Ray Harryhausen (Clash of the Titans). Harryhausen also gave the film his stamp of approval by releasing it under his “Ray Harryhausen Presents” banner. Check it out, but watch out for the brows on the prowl .

Black

At first glance this just looks like your standard action movie set in some foreign location (this time France). But thanks to a fresh mix of comic book style action, a 70’s flavored soundtrack (think Shaft) and some voodoo shenanigans this movie aims to keep things interesting. Even though this movie looks like fun I’m a little concerned that a rapper is playing the lead role. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn’t turn out to be another “Cool as Ice.” Also, the film is in French and has English subtitles, so you might want to brush up on your subtitle reading skills before seeing this movie. But don’t worry you still have plenty of time as “Black” still hasn’t received U.S. distribution.

Rampage

Behold, the Turkish answer to Rambo. A great action movie parody by the same guy who gave us Turkish Star Wars. This movie has a fully loaded arsenal of cheesy sound effects, funny lines and rapid fire hand to hand combat best described as “Wack-Attack-Fu” that is guaranteed to make you laugh so hard you might loose consciousness. Coming to DVD April 24, 2009 for the first time since it was made nearly 23 years ago.

The Ghastly Love of Johnny X

After seeing the awesome retro styled movie poster online, I just had to check out the trailer. And I’m happy to say that from what I’ve seen this movie looks like a fun musical spoof of those old black and white sci-fi movies. There is even a guy wearing a Devo hat. Hey, Devo wasn’t around in the 50’s? This is what I imagine Grease would have looked and sounded like if it had been done as a sci-fi movie. Also, Phantasm fans keep an eye out for Reggie Bannister who can be seen in the trailer.

Hobgoblins 2

Who ever thought director Rick Sloane would make a sequel to his film Hobgoblins, especially after receiving a brutal Chevy Chase style roast courtesy of the MSTK 3000 guys. Well, it took 20 plus years, but Sloane bravely returns with Hobgoblins 2. In the first movie the title creatures which look like a poor man’s “Munchie” escape from an old film vault in their evil quest to make dreams come true and cause murderous mayhem. Fans will be happy to know that the highly anticipated new installment continues the director’s successful formula of stock explosions and car crashes along with his “I threw this together in 5 minutes” production design. And I’m sure when people hear the Hobgoblins theme song at the end of the trailer the catchy tune will break download records on iTunes.

Taglines:

• If you don’t treat Santa nice he’ll put you on ice.
• Ralphie has a present for you, a double barrel shot gun of death!
• Naughty…nice…It doesn’t matter…Ralphie’s the guy with the gun.
• Santa is belted, buckled, booted, and ready for action.
• A double dog dare you of death!

Synopsis

Ralphie is a CIA operative who has been working the mean streets of New York for nearly 9 years. His latest assignment is as an undercover mobster within a powerful cartel family called the Parkers. The cartel is run by an overbearing drunken father referred to as “The Old Man.” He’s been selling bunk cocaine from the trunk of his Oldsmobile while the mother, a struggling go-go dancer, sells her homemade stews on the street to help buy more mashed potatoes for the mute brother Randy, it’s the only food he can digest. Mr. Parker collects erotic memorabilia including a highly valuable leg sculpture he imported from the little known southern island of Fragile. It’s his most prized possession.

One brisk winter day, the sculpture gets destroyed in a lower east side drive by. An apparent attack by the Bumpuseses gang, a ruthless group of southern rednecks who have an affinity for training large rabid attack dogs. Mr. Parker however believes it was in an inside job and that he has a rat among his associates. Later that day Ralphie tries to extract some information about the drive-by from Scut Farkus, a freckled face yellow eyed physcopath who demands everyone call him “Uncle.” Dangerous and unpredictable, he wears a hat made of human scalps and will break the arm of anyone who even look at him crossed eyed.

Ralphie hopes to track down his red rider assault rifle which he believes was used in attack on the Parker’s home and could be traced back to him. He beats Scut Furkus senselessy in a back alley until Scut confesses that he’s just a low level henchman for a rich city pimp known as “Big Red.” Big Red is a Santa impersonator at the local mall but is a cover for his underground white slave trade and has an even bigger hatred for Mr. Parker than the city cops. When Ralphie and Randy show up at his headquarters, they get surprised with a trap door that sends them both plummeting to the city streets below where some elve henchmen beat them to a pulp. Battered and bruised, Ralphie finds help from a local teacher known for her strict rules and deathly assassin moves. A teacher and martial arts master so ruthless she is rumored to have nailed a student’s tongue to a flag pole just for him being disrespectful.

After a lengthy recovery and training, Ralphie receives a secret coded message over the radio  from agent Annie who’s been tracking him and his mission’s progress. Project “Drink Your Ovaltine” is a go for Christmas day as a big drug shipment disguised as kid’s chocolate drinks is heading up state. Upon return to the family, Ralphie cover is blown from a phoned-in tip from Flick, a fellow mobster who suspected he might be a cop when he witnessed him talking into his secret decoder ring. Held prisoner at the Parker home Ralphie endures a series of tortures including being gagged with soap and forced to wear a pink bunny suit all for the amusement of the cartel. At his darkest hour a mysterious package arrives at the door bearing a tag that reads “A gift from Santa.” Inside is his red-rider assault rifle loaded and ready for action. He breaks free, grabs the gun and takes out the guards with extreme prejudice. Escaping through a broken window and nearly losing his eye in the process he drives  away in the family’s Oldsmobile. Flat tire and cursing under his breath he eventually makes his way to Chinatown and finds refuge as a fry cook in a small Chinese restaurant. Ralphie now in federal protection, hopes to never be found by the Parkers who want his head on a platter. From that day on the eye patched operative must always watch over his shoulders as the last words from Mr. Parker still haunt him… “Not a finger!” “Not a finger!”

Merry Christmas..Can you dig it suckas?

“I only wear this shirt to distract people from my face. It’s my only defense.”

On some undisclosed island in the South Pacific, Pam Grier plays Lee Danier, an angry hooker in an evening dress who gets sent to a not-so-classy women’s reform prison in the middle of the jungle. Do not pass “Go”, do not collect $200.  There’s also Karen, played by Margaret Markov,who has likewise earned herself some prison time, due to her nasty habit of trying to instigate revolutions on communist islands. But she looks more like she barely escaped her last photo shoot. Karen and Lee don’t play well together, especially in confined spaces. So when they misbehave in the cafeteria, they’re forced to stand in a walk-in Easy Bake Oven out in the sun for the day as punishment. Fortunately we’ve got a non-stick cooking Pam as our star. The wardens are fed-up with having to break-up their catfights, which cuts into their group shower ogling time. So they chain the two together; make them wear yellow, prison issued mini-skirts; and send them on a bus trip to be interrogated. The bus ride comes to a quick halt, though, when Karen’s rabble-rousing friends attack the convoy. We know they’re revolutionaries because of the amount of their facial hair. The longer your mustache, the more you’re fightin’ “The Man.”

Lee and Karen barely escape into the jungle during the poorly planned rescue attempt, and are forced to hitchhike as nuns across the island and negotiate with oily, fat guys before stabbing them with a screwdriver. They sure make Catholic school nuns almost look tame by comparison. A corrupt cop is sent to track the nuns on the run, but only if he can break away from watching the local drunks play pool long enough. There’re also some hired thugs who are looking for Lee since she is one their prized hookers–their “best in show ho.” They inconspicuously drive around in a giant, decorated, clown jeep, blaring Mexican show tunes, possibly hoping for some women prisoners to just suddenly dart out in front of them, but instead they end up in pointless gunfights or wrestling around in their underwear with the locals. Not quite sure who’re the good guys and bad guys in this one, but I do know that hired thugs look particularly disturbing in baby blue western shirts.

Wouldn’t you think that would hurt your street cred a bit if you wore a shirt like that? Ruben is the head thug with the worst fashion sense, played by Rob Zombie’s favorite psycho, Sid Hag. He reminds me a bit of a local used car salesman, but without the charm and trustworthiness. “Come on down to Ruben Ford–free drug bribes for the kids!”

This is a good little exploitation film, light on the exploitation but heavy on the facial hair and gunfights. Also check out Pam Grier in “Coffy”, another great early blaxploitation movie from the 70’s. She’s all Coffy…without the caffeine.

Roadside Attractions

-Peeping Tom wardens
-chain chockin’
-convincts in a can
-jungle cat fights
-nuns on the run
-jump-starting hookers
-gratuitous use of a western shirt
-puppies with underwear hats
-21 breasts
-37 deaths
-multiple shootouts
-circus mercenary jeeps
-tempera paint blood splatters

rated 7.7 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Black Mamma, White Mamma

“The original Big Bird was actually a struggling pimp living on Sesame Street in Harlem“

Pam Grier plays Flower Child Coffin “Coffy”, a hospital nurse with a hippie name and a vengeful spirit which doesn’t really lend herself to a profession in bedside care. Her little sister got hooked on heroin and is a kids detox so she goes on a mission to find the dealers and anyone remotely related to the drug bosses that got her sister hooked. Blowing holes through drug dealers heads, junkies, shooting Italians in swimming pools, and stabbing goattee bodyguards in the neck. It’s all in nights work for a nurse. I think Coffy needs to ease up on the caffeine before she takes out a bus of nuns with a bazooka.

Meanwhile a cop friend of hers named Carter Brown decides not to go the corrupt route like the rest of the police force who has made a deal with mafia and drugs dealers. This results in him getting beaten like a piece of ground beef in his apartment by some masked henchman while Coffy is over visiting. Didn’t he watch Godfather? The mob doesn’t kindly to non-team players.

Coffy also has her own sugar daddy, Howard “the shrapnel tummy” Brunswick, a congressmen on the take along with the police force (eesh do they all get some sort of mobster group discount?) He’s been working back street deals to get a big cut of the drug profits and gain more control of the city. Coffy who is still on the trail of the drug dealers dresses up as a prostitute from Jamaica to try to get employed by a local big league Pimp who calls himself King George. His dressing attire makes no doubt of his occupation as any low flying planes in a dense fog could spot his bright yellow jump leisure suit for a safe landing. It’s sort of a super pimp outfit. Coffy easily passes the job interview using her “assets” and “references” and later that night switches out George’s heroin supply with some powdered sugar (in case George needs to make some laffy taffy.) Upon returning to a mobster dinner party where all the big league dealers are schmoozing she starts a cat fight with some of the other hookers. It’s all broken bottles, torn dresses, tossed salads, and stained cocktail gowns. She does some sweet kung-fu moves and ultimate fighting pile drivers on her hooker co-workers and even hides a straight razor in her afro causing some nasty paper cuts. An Italian Mobster named Petroni enjoys the super hooker smack down and wants Coffy to come over later to play hide the salami at his apartment. Coffy attempts to take him out via a stuffed animal with a .44 magnum in it but is caught by Petroni’s goons just before she can pop him right between the pepperonis.

When interrogated via some vicious indian burns she rats out that King George actually sent her as a hooker hit girl (everyone always blames the pimp). This results in King George getting forced into some imprompto speed boat rafting. Well excepts there’s no boat or raft, and he’s tied behind a car by his neck. Not a very popular outdoor sporting activity. There’s more double crossing, double barrel shoguns, and double D’s than you can count in this film.

After seeing Pam Grier in the film Jackie Brown, I knew she was one bad ass foxy mama (look out I’m breaking out my jive talk) So I was looking forward to seeing what is hailed as one of her best films. I definitely agree it’s a great grindhouse film filled with plenty of sex, violence and leisure suits. And doesn’t that pretty much sum up the 70’s? So definitely check it out. I ain’t talkin’ no jive turkey so can you dig my rap? My mama didn’t raise no fool….ugh.. sorry I can’t help myself.

Keep an eye out for…

- banana suit pimps
- sugar daddy politicians
- stuffed lions packing heat
- razor blade hair clips
- mobster bodyguards dressed as gay pirates
- extreme pimp dragging
- roadside neck stabbing
- bad Jamaican accents
- diner party cat fights
- hooker shotguns
- salad bowl body slams
- sugar shoot-ups
- lounge dinner strippers

Coffy is in no way endorsed by Juan Valdez or any of the coffee union members

rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Coffy

“Bring it On!“

With the onset of a cold winter we’ve had a few indoor events at the local sporting arena. Usually there’s such exciting events as insurance agency seminars, the occasional gun and knife show and the ever popular women’s expo, an exploration in the dark art of potpourri and decoupage. Recently I was fortunate enough to check out the BIG RV and camper show there. It’s an extravaganza of gas guzzling houses on wheels. You could move a Chinese family of 8 into one of those giant display campers and have them live there quite comfortably. Heck those RV’s have everything I could ever need. When tours would come through I’d just be like “Hey I’m trying to take a shower here! Can I have some privacy please?” Only in America would we be lazy enough to want to drive a whole house across the country. “You know I don’t really want to leave my couch…if only there was a way I could take my living room, kitchen, and bathroom with me. Then I could go see the largest ball of twine!” and so RV’s were born.

In “Race with the Devil” the central star is also a giant gas guzzling camper. It’s a bit older and the interior is encased with shag carpet and wood grain paneling, enough to make your eyes water, but it can still hold it’s own against the onslaught of hippie devil worshipers. A “race” with belezabub is not really a race as much as it is a competitively fast paced walk with occasional rest stops for snacks & ammo and the refreshing dip in the public pool. The racing RV belongs to Frank Stewart, a greasy little elf who is partners with a motocross star wanna-be, Roger Marsh, played by the always groovified Peter Fonda. They plan to take a vacation to Colorado for some rest and relaxation with their fragile nerved girlfriends and practice up on some their combined drinking and motorcrossing skills. During a night of drunken debauchery and fondue they inadvertently notice some hippie tree huggers (in this case tree burners) having a party in a nearby field. What at first appears to just be a bad local outdoor theater production turns into a human sacrifice ceremony. You usually have to pay extra for that.

Figuring these are no renaissance festival actor rejects, Roger and company pack up the Fonda fondue and high tail it outta there just as the satanic fanboys attack their RV. Narrowly escaping that devil’s tailgate party with only a few broken windows and taillights, they go to the police to report the incident. The cops and sheriff having all the competence of the police force from the Dukes of Hazzard pretty much shrug of the incident as a kids prank but the vacationers decide to take their suspicions to the nearest big city instead. Of course mentioning your secret plans out loud is never a good idea and satanists are notorious for having a keen sense of hearing.

What started out as a nice vacation ends up being a desperate cat and mouse game across the state highways. Campsites turn out to be satanic playgrounds with creepy old people in bath robes who lynch dogs and put rattle snakes in your camper. Evil construction workers cause traffic jams and create detours of doom, and roadhouse bars are revealed to be pagan hangouts where Satan spins his evil tunes through the wailing noise of country music. Oh wait, I guess they pretty much already do that.

It all leads to a great road rage chase scene complete with Peter Fonda riding shotgun (literally) and throwing taquilla bombs at their truck driving pursuers. Fortunately redneck satanists are also bad drivers and the vacationers stocked up lots of booze for their trip. Who said there aren’t benefits to alcoholism?

Definitely a fun little action/horror b-movie for fans of Peter Fonda and even more so for fans of RV’s. So I say check it out and always remember to check your tire pressure, adjust your mirrors, and check all your camper’s cupboards for any stowaway rattlesnakes before your trip. There are old people everywhere and they’re watching you.

Keep an eye out for…

- Devil worshipping BBQ’s
- Extreme off roading RV’s
- Redneck roadhouse of the Damned
- Construction workers of the Damned
- Country music of the Damned
- Snake wranglin’
- Dog lynchings
- Pagan pool parties
- Cult book kleptomania

Do you think Peter Fonda drives a Honda? Then he can just say things like “Hey everyone, wanna drive the Fonda Honda?”

rated 8.3 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Race with the Devil