In a recent BBC article It’s been discovered that a our littlest friends under our feet, the Argentine ant, is actually part of a vast mega colony that has already colonized much of our planet. Scary? yes… and maybe the largest species that could even rival humans in their population scale but with less strip malls and urban sprawl. These ants were once only native to south America (hence the Brazilian waxed thoraxes) and now cover every continent by hitching a ride on our shoes…well everywhere except ANTartica. They figured with a name like that it was already spoken for. Faced with this news of impeding insect invasion, I just want to take this moment to welcome our benevolent insect overlords and offer my services in managing diabetic worker slaves in the vast sugar factories. Let’s just try to forget my younger years involving a magnifying glass on a sunny day or that ant farm I accidentally flooded with radiator fluid.

Speaking of mutant ants taking over the world, “Empire of the Ants” leads us to believe that not only can radioactive waste cause insects to grow to the size of Volkswagons but they can also setup thriving sugar based economies, run factories, and managed cheap labor forces. All this in a single day.

Joan Collins takes a break from crappy TV shows to play a unscrupulous land developer, Marilyn Fryser. She’s trying to sell island real estate to clueless Floridians in leisure suits. Little do they know one of the island perks is scenic sunset views of radioactive barrels of toxic waste washing ashore right where the ants like to sunbath. The typical poorly sealed nuclear storage containers start leaking silver paint all over the ants and suddenly BAMMM! gigantus insectus among-us making picnic runs on Marilyn’s clients.

After discovering some dead construction workers covered in Smuckers raspberry jam the remaining customers decide to hightail it outta there as fast as their golf cart tour bus can carry them. Easily exceeding speeds of 10 mph they finally arrive back at the beach to find their tour boat getting antified. Dan, our grizzly faced boat captain swims out to try to save his precious scooner but the ants gives him the smack down. In a Gilligan-esque moment he decides to just to blow up the boat instead. The skipper would be proud. Now trapped on the island, rained on, hungry and without any extra eyeliner for Joan Collins they start to head towards the center of the island in hopes of rescue. The very old and very senile couple trailing the group decides it best to go off on their own hiding out in a dilapidated shack. Their last words would be “don’t worry we’ll be safe in here” proving again that old people are among the first to die in any b-movie.

The survivors battling their poor sense of direction take a old boat down the river and run into an ant made baricade and have to battle American Gladiator gauntlet style with giant foam ant heads. The cameraman appears to be in the thick of the action because heck if anyone can tell whose landing any punches with all those styrofoam legs flailing around. The boat sinks and they find a creepy old couple living in a barb wired cottage retreat who take them to town (this island must be huge!) They know something’s strange is happening in hicksville with not a Walmart or PigglyWiggly in sight and bets are someone’s been hoarding all the sugar packs too.

Their suspicions are confirmed when they find the towns folk being rounded up and taken to the gigantic sugar factory outside town which are apparently quite prevalent in the Florida everglades. Inside the factory, people are lining up like it’s a carnival ride to get sprayed with a cloud of ant pheromone from a queen ant crammed into a phone booth. This mind control spray makes the victim do whatever the queen asks of them plus it has the side benefit of the fresh scent of Lysol. It’s pretty much like if they went to a Pink Floyd laser show and got a contact buzz. Thankfully Dan fends of the ants and towns folk with a road flare and his extreme grizzliness then loads up the last of the survivors onto yet another boat ready to get lost again in the swamp. Hey the guy really likes boats can ya dig? I think the factory blew up too at some point but they ran out of budget…it’s mostly implied by a guy driving aimlessly around in a fuel tanker and then there’s a grease fire and some flaming ant footage.

I was surprised at the low level special effects this movie utilized for a 70’s monster film. I’d swear it was a 1950’s sci-fi movie if it wasn’t for the eye piercing leisure suits and feathered hairdos. Lots of split screens between the actors and ants, toy models with ants trying to climb the painted back drop, and styrofoam props make the effects on par with a Gamera film. The most redeeming quality of this movie is seeing Joan Collins impaled by a giant queen ant after getting her brain zapped. “That’s for making us endure Dallas..see ya in hell!”  ”Empire of the Ants” is cheesy little b-flick that just goes to show you can make a movie without the need for acting, special effects or even a plot getting in the way.

-Extreme leisure-suits
-Nuclear waste in a can
-Joan Collins fu
-Fraudulent resort tours
-Paddle fu
-Ant smoke contact buzz
-Road flair phone booth attacks
-Giant styrofoam ants
-Exploding sugar shacks
-Kaleidoscope ant vision
-Redneck mind control

I give it a 7.3 out of 10..but that’s only because the ants are watching me… right now….listening to my thoughts.

Check out the trailer for Empire of the Ants

“Introducing the New 2010 Chevrolet Chernobyl with optional power windows, power locks, and death ray emitting trunk.”

This weekend, while working on my Camaro behind the old toolshed & trailer, I busted a fan bracket off the engine block. There’s no nearby Autozone or NAPA dealer, and it was after 5 on Sunday. Luckily, Joe Don’s Salvage Yard is just a hop, skip, and a drunk stumble down the road, and I can always count on Big Joe to still be up watching “Law and Order” re-runs at his front office desk, mostly to avoid his old lady. The man refuses to get cable, and uses an old black and white TV with rabbit ears wrapped in tin foil. Usually I try to sweeten the deal with something deep fried as a gift for Joe. He’s much more willing to help me scrounge around the lot if his veins are immediately filled with salt and nitrates. However, this time I had nothing with me, not even a piece of pocket-warmed beef jerky; I was going into a gun fight without a six-shooter and Joe knew it. He immediately became agitated, cursing and mumbling under his breath, fumbling with the TV antenna, and just waved me off in the general direction of where I might possibly find the fan bracket or get a painful staph infection–whichever came first.

I find the junkyard to actually be a very peaceful place to think and meditate, much like a cemetery… minus the possibility of a spontaneous zombie uprising, though I am well prepared for such a situation. Sure, I always get funny looks at funerals when I carry that machete around, but you can never be too careful. I like to show it to people in the procession and say things like “Yeah, you never know…we might need to bury him twice.”

After hours of dead ends I finally found what appeared to be a Camaro similar to mine, with a heck of a lot more rust. It was a bit hard to tell though, as most of it had been flattened like a PB&J in a kid’s lunch sack, but the engine was still intact, so with my trusty Allen wrench, I removed the fan bracket cautiously. I couldn’t help but imagine the scene of Indiana Jones removing the golden skull from the altar. Checking around for hostile natives, I made my way back and paid the fair price of $25 and the promise of a bucket of chicken for Joe when I came back. Who said you can’t put a price on adventure?

Speaking of pioneers in the salvage industry, Emilio Estavez plays Otto Maddox, a rebellious punk who enjoys head banging with friends and eating his dinner out of dog food cans. Ahh, the rebellious youth of the 80’s. These are the same guys that wore Wham shirts. Howard Dean Stanton plays Bud, a seasoned, disgruntled repo-master who enlists Otto to join his dojo of car jackers. The other beer-inspired repo staff are: “Lite”, a streetwise gun touter, and “Miller”, a hippie mechanic who tries to teach him the repo code of ethics, and hopefully convince him not to make “Mighty Ducks 2.” Taking a few too many head butts at the previous night’s rave, Otto feels a kinship to them and the life of the auto repossessor. Sure the hours stink, but you do get the benefits of getting shot at by enraged Mexican immigrants, or getting the snot kicked out of you by a Mowtown band with guitar cases.

Meanwhile, during all this grand larceny fun, a one-eyed self-lobotimizied scientist, J. Frank Parnell, is transporting glowing shrimp platter aliens in his car trunk across state lines. Besides breaking some food import laws, he’s also encouraging people to look in his trunk, which immediately vaporizes them, leaving behind only the fresh scent of pine. It’s his own Ark of the Covenant on wheels, minus the Nazi’s. J’s plan is to meet up with Leila, one of the few members of the official fan club of UFO’s who isn’t still living in their parents’ basement, and expose the world to the truth. Otto puts some of his smooth moves on her, and she gets Estevezed in the back seat of his car. How romantic, but she hopes the horizontal mambo will encourage Otto to help her find the scientist, so they can  book the intergalactic shrimp cargo on local talk shows.

A $20,000 bounty is put on the Malibu, and soon a secret G-team in rented suits, along with every repo and car theft ring in the county is out looking for it. The G-team is led by a cruel German dominatrix with a mean kung-fu grip robotic hand (do they charge extra for that?), and an unhealthy obsession to get those alien remains at any cost. Otto gets captured  and is tortured by Mrs. Roboto so that she can try to learn the whereabouts of the actual car, but Otto is rescued before his hair gets singed. He later encounters his ex-girlfriend, Debbie, a particularly nasty punk rocker who left Otto for his best pal at a mosh party, leaving him heart broken in his tighty whities. It’s your typical boy meets girl, boy catches syphilis kinda of love story.

Debbie is hooked on speed and sushi eating with her new boyfriend, Boni, when they run into Otto while they’re robbing a 7-11. Everyone has a gun pointing at someone else’s head, leading to a pretty frantic session of scratch and win tickets. Boni however, just wants to settle down, get married and have little spiked hair social deviants. But instead, he ends up getting a shotgun blast to the chest. Just an early preview of married life, my friend; count yourself lucky.

Any semblance of a plot was lost a long time ago, but no one really cares at this point. We meander the city streets at night in glowing cars, have spontaneous shootouts in hospital stairwells, torch street people, and listen to hippie mechanics spouting universal wisdoms about the cosmic order of consciousness and the lattice of coincidence. Gotta love Saturday nights in L.A.

Repoman is a definitive cult classic that gets even better upon repeated viewing. A special Roadside award goes to Emilio Estevez, whose role as Otto redefined the anarchist punk rocker, and Howard Dean Stanton, who fit his role as a crusty, seasoned car reposessor perfectly. If I saw either of these two guys near my car, I’d be getting nervous. Retroman says check it out, and be sure to order the all-you-can-eat sushi buffet.

- Obsessive air freshener collecting
- Generic food in a can
- Radioactive intergalactic calamari
- Devo radiation suits
- Mace to the face
- Rat tossing
- Coffee to the face
- Emilio Estevezing
- Mexican rockabilly Vegas lounge singers
- Levitating cars

Rated 9.3 out of 10

“Don’t fear the Repo…baby I’m your man…we’ll be able to fly now”… man, those lyrics ring so true now.

Check out the trailer for Repoman

The results are in… After receiving and reviewing the submissions it is time to announce the winners. It was very difficult to select three winners out of all the entries because everybody came up with a variety of solutions to Ben’s hypothetical situation that were funny, clever and very creative. We would like to give a big thank you to everyone who entered the contest. And congratulate those of you whose submissions were selected. Below are the winning entries. The original scenario has been re-posted for your convenience. Enjoy!

Scenario:

After a hard day’s work at Fright Rags, Ben has just drifted off into a very sound REM sleep when all of a sudden he’s jolted awake by loud noises that sound like they’re coming from the storage area where the all the printed shirts are stored. Ben immediately springs out of bed, grabs a baseball bat, and cautiously goes to investigate the disturbance. As he makes his way toward the room, the strange sounds are getting even louder. When he reaches the storage area, an eerie blue light can be seen from underneath the door. Those unrecognizable noises now appear to be a series of growls and tortured groans, like something from a horror movie. Ben’s heart is really pounding now. He pauses for a few seconds to collect himself and then, after gathering up enough courage, he begins to slowly turn the door knob. Upon opening the door, Ben sees a truly shocking sight: all the characters from his printed T-shirts have somehow come to life. So, what do you think Ben should do?

Kim Smith

Thinking quickly and knowing he is highly outnumbered; Ben lobs his baseball bat at the throng of creatures. He misses them all, instead hitting a large, 80s style boom-box. Static crackles and the CD begins to play Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” The characters are amused by the irony of the situation and start dancing to the beat. Ben shrugs his shoulders. “If you can’t beat them, join them,” he thinks, falling into step. Ben and his new-found friends dance well into the night. That is, until a new song begins and the monsters turn on their creator.

Ben’s screams of terror cannot be heard over the wailing tones of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

Jason Crampton

“Holy Crap,” Ben says. “I should have made more shirts with good guys on them.” With all the chaos happening in the room, nobody seems to have taken notice of him just yet. Zombies fighting Jack Torrance fighting the Wolfman fighting The Thing fighting Ash—wait, “Ash!” Ben hopefully calls out.

Ash looks up from chainsawing the head off of a giant shark that was thrashing about in the corner, just in time to catch a pick axe to the face from Harry Warden. “Oops,” Ben mutters, and slowly lets his baseball bat slip from his fingers to clatter loudly on the floor. He has now gathered the attention of more than a dozen horrible monsters, and as they slowly inch closer to him, he can only think that Ash may have been his only hope. But then he hears the unmistakable sound of the M41 Assault Rifle from Aliens. “Bill Paxton!” Ben remembers. “I mean, Pvt. Hudson!” “Game over man!” Hudson yells as Cujo is mauling him.

“Game over!”

“Oh, right. Great.” Ben scans the room for anyone else who might be able to help him. No sign of the Brothers Frog, but then again, they were like twelve years old or something. Ben feels bad for dragging them into this mess. As Ben starts to accept his now inevitable fate, he can only hope that it will be quick, and not a slowly eaten kind of death. The unstoppable Jason Voorhees is at the head of the pack, and Ben starts to think a well placed machete to the brain might not be a bad way to go. Then he hears a chainsaw, and assumes it must be Leatherface. Wait. He thinks, I haven’t made a Leatherface shirt! Then, the blade of a chainsaw bursts from Voorhees’s chest, and he is tossed aside, to reveal a bloodied Ash. “Thank God I made two of you!” Ash gives him a quizzical look.

“Come again?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Ben says. “Let’s just get out of here.” Ash carves a path to the door, and they quickly shut it behind them. Ben trips on a severed arm that made it through the door. He falls, but when he lands, he’s not on the floor. He’s in his bed. A dream! He is relieved, but also a little disappointed that Ash isn’t in his house. He decides to prepare for the future, and heads straight to the drawing board to create even more Ash shirts. An Army of Ash’s!

Jim Tomarchio

Ben bursts into the room and proclaims “NOT TODAY!” He then rushes towards the various horror characters who are now growling, snarling, and poised to attack him. Ben started to flail his baseball bat at the monsters and other various creatures in an insane and violent manner then very quickly stopped. He realized they were not attacking him, nor doing any damage to his AMAZING printed shirts. Ben blurted out “What are you doing here!?” The monsters then turned and pointed. Simultaneously they roared… “BEER!”

Ten minutes later, Ben and his horde of horrific creature friends were all seated around a table laughing and cracking jokes on each other. The characters from his shirts had to go back to the stellar shirts from which they came and with them they took beer, new jokes and a box of fabric softener.

“If you can read this sign then you’re too close.”

I have one question. When did magicians get so lame? Case in point, David “I am blander than a rice cake” Blaine’s recent stunt on national TV with his Dive of Death. I believe this will go down in history as the most un-entertaining thing since the invention of CSPAN. Blaine is known for his endurance stunts of living in igloos, catching bullets in his mouth and agitating street patrons with lame card tricks and his depressive demeanor but this time he took his annoyance to new heights with this live televised stunt. Hanging himself upside down for days from a 7 story pole in New York facing the ever threat of death or in his case, fame obscurity, and would supposedly end in a terrifying plummet to the ground. In reality he was in a secure safety harness, took frequent coffee  & pee breaks, and bunged slowly towards the ground before being lifted in the air by a crane like a maniac-depressive peter pan. All the while an apathetic New york crowd watched from below who I suspect  if they would have found some sticks would have made him into a human piñata. “I got your abracadabra for you right here Davie Boy.” Now that would have been some must see TV.

I think David should go back to some street magic, maybe try reading a few people’s minds and absorb their psychic energy much like the electrifying Raymar in “One Dark Night.” Raymar is a recently deceased psychic that used his magic to decoratively arrange food utensils on his apartment walls and soak up some student’s brain energy. He unfortunately overdosed during a brain juice binge the night before with some co-eds shorting himself out permanently. Later at his funeral his estranged and just as boney looking daughter Olivia shows up. It turns out she may have inherited some of that psychic power when she has vague premonitions of the future through some montage visions or she was just hallucinating from lack of nutrition. She’ll probably just end up using her new powers for writing fortune cookies, doing weather forecasts, or predicting trivial things like “You’re going to have lunch,…it’ll be seafood but the shrimp will be bad.” or in her case “You’re going to end up in a schlocky 80’s movie.”

Her husband Allan played by Adam West can’t seem to find his bat pole anywhere to get out of this film and spends most of the time trying to convince her that all that magic mumbo-jumbo is just in her head. An Andy Warhol albino in a turtle neck shows up to tell her otherwise and gives her a book on tape that warns of Raymar’s evil telekinetic powers and his possible return from the grave. She obsessively listens to it over and over again while poor Allan can only drown his misery in whiskey obviously still fuming over Michael Keaton getting picked over him.

Meanwhile in what appears to be an entirely separate film, a young pre-breast enhanced Meg Tilly plays the nerdy girl Julie Wells who wants to break out of her goody two shoes stereotype. Julie’s dimwitted plan is to join the local girl gang “The sisters” so she too can get a shiny purple jacket and have her hair feathered even higher than gravity allows. I’m not sure a gang of 3 girls  really deserve their own embroidered jackets, bowling leagues are bigger than that and much more deserving their garments of cool.

Carol (Robin Evans), the queen of the shiny coat wenches convinces her to join only if she stays alone a whole night in the Mausoleum where Raymar’s body is kept. So Julie armed with only a sleeping bag, a flashlight and some Quaaludes, explores the endless casket filled hallways for the night. Meanwhile the other girls plot to sneak in and dress up as retirement home escapees to try to scare her. Their obvious lack of showmanship upsets the spirit of Raymar who starts breaking free from his entombed prison throwing around flower vases and moving around furniture with his psychic powers. He’s a sort of  malevolent interior decorator from beyond the grave.

Soon his brain power grows to the point that the tombs burst open and he can prop himself up while levitating dead bodies with his mind. It sounds a lot scarier than it looks  though as the rotting bodies float awkwardly around like they’re on magic coat hangers in a laundry shop. With a back field blitz they pile up on the pranking co-eds smothering them until they can’t breath. It’s a death by dry cleaning.

Julie’s boyfriend, Steve, finally shows up just in time to save her from a Raymar brain drain but then has his butt handed to him by another bunch of muppet zombies that knock him unconscious. Rotting Raymar tries again to get a jump start off Julie’s brain…but I think we all know that battery was running a bit low. There’s a showdown with his bone skinny sister who suddenly swoops in to try save the day using her natural ability to blend in with the undead to her advantage. Steve Just lies there like a slug, it’s his only defense.

Writer/Director Tom McLoughlin of Friday the13th part 6 fame did an admirable job with a very simple premise and one that taps our deepest fear of graveyards, mausoleums and dry cleaners. Also noteworthy is Tom Burman who did the gruesome special effects in this little PG-rated fright flick and he definitely showed his chops with some realistic gooey corpses.  Retroman says check it out for a few good creeps and always be sure to have your corpses professionally cleaned, pressed and folded before packing them for overnight trips.

- Multiple dead bodies
- Utensil-fu
- Obsessive toothcare
- Exploding mausoleums
- Undead puppeteers
- Electric eyeballs
- Fondu faced corpses
- Gratuitous use of Adam West
- Crypt-a-glow night lights

Rated 8.4 out of 10

Check out the trailer for One Dark Night

To kick-off the lineup of new T-shirts, Ben, owner of Fright Rags, and Lost Highway have joined forces in order to give three of our loyal supporters each an opportunity to win a free t-shirt of their choice, except the Vintage style shirts. To enter, all you have to do is come up with the best solution to a hypothetical scenario that Ben is faced with late one night.

Scenario:

After a hard day’s work at Fright Rags, Ben has just drifted off into a very sound REM sleep when all of a sudden he’s jolted awake by loud noises that sound like they’re coming from the storage area where the all the printed shirts are stored. Ben immediately springs out of bed, grabs a baseball bat, and cautiously goes to investigate the disturbance. As he makes his way toward the room, the strange sounds are getting even louder. When he reaches the storage area, an eerie blue light can be seen from underneath the door. Those unrecognizable noises now appear to be a series of growls and tortured groans, like something from a horror movie. Ben’s heart is really pounding now. He pauses for a few seconds to collect himself and then, after gathering up enough courage, he begins to slowly turn the door knob. Upon opening the door, Ben sees a truly shocking sight: all the characters from his printed T-shirts have somehow come to life. So, what do you think Ben should do?

Contest Rules and Information:

The best three entries will each receive a free T-Shirt of their choice, except the Vintage style shirts, courtesy of Fright Rags. Entries must be a minimum of 10 words, with a maximum of 250 words. The contest starts May 13, 2009 and ends at midnight on May 27, 2009. Selected winners will be contacted by e-mail on Monday, June 1. All entries must be comprehensible (understandable) and written in English. Please submit entries to this address: losthighwayinfo@yahoo.com with “Contest” in the subject line. Be sure to include your name, e-mail address, and mailing address with your submission, to ensure that if your entry is selected, we will be able to contact you. If you don’t include this information, then your submission will immediately be disqualified. One entry per person. U.S. residents only. Thanks for entering the contest and good luck!

At a time when a lot of specialty T-shirt companies are cutting corners and charging you more money for an inferior product, you, as both a fan and consumer, can have total confidence in knowing that Fright Rags doesn’t do business that way. Ben has set the standard for quality and customer service regarding his products. He is always striving to push the envelope creatively with his designs and is actively seeking out new processes that will increase the quality of his horror apparel, which in the end benefits you, the fan. Fright Rags has created a much deserved reputation for giving fans what they want and have come to expect, and this time is no different. The latest line of shirts are his most technically impressive and ambitious so far. Previous designs were already very detailed and well crafted, but these new designs contain even more detailing, and the artwork is even larger this time around, which means you get to enjoy more of your favorite movie(s). Also, each shirt is still printed on Anvil 100% cotton shirts or Gildan Ultra Cotton T-Shirts. So, not only are you getting great looking piece of wearable art, but a high quality shirt made from the best materials that you’ll be able to enjoy for a very, very, long time. As a fan I’m really excited about this new series, which has
awesome designs from so many cool movies. Now, lets get to the new designs!

Please click on the shirt’s title to see the actual artwork.

PHENOMENA

As soon as I saw this design, I started to hear the movie’s main theme by Goblin playing in my head. All of the characters are nicely rendered and the color choices are just beautiful–truly a work of art. Jennifer is shown communicating telepathically with a group of insects, while Inga the chimpanzee is holding a scalpel, and waiting to attack the evil Fran Brückner. This design does a great job at incorporating many elements from the movie without being too busy. And like the Dario Argento film, this shirt is destined to become an instant classic among fans.

NEAR DARK

Now here is a shirt that fans of the 1987 movie can really bite into. It features evil vampire Severen sporting a very nasty sunburn, along with blood-sucking newbie, Caleb, who can be seen in the background staying out of the harmful sunlight. A simple, yet effective composition, along with crisp graphics and a bold blood red color bring these undead characters to life.

THE RAFT

If you’re still upset over the disappointing and absolutely horrible “Creepshow 3″, you’re not alone. But hopefully “The Raft”, an awesome new “Creepshow 2″ design, will help ease your pain. This shirt features eye-catching art done in a great comic book style and has vintage blue and yellow colors. An added bonus for fans is that the shirt has cool quotes from the movie.

ERASERHEAD

This shirt is proof that you don’t always need vivid colors in order to create a design with visual impact. The monochromatic color scheme immediately makes me think of the black and white style of David Lynch’s film. Fans will surely recognize the character on the shirt as being Henry, and Mary X’s creepy mutant reptilian baby from the movie. The fluid line work and cool looking ink wash effect really give this shirt its unique personality. After seeing this surreal image you’ll be wondering whether it’s all a dream, or twisted reality.

EVIL DEAD

Well, we probably won’t be seeing another Evil Dead sequel, but fans still have cause to celebrate because Ash is back this time as a T-shirt, fighting a tree gone
wild. And it won’t be long before he uses his trusty chainsaw to quickly turn this overgrown toothpick into pile of firewood. The artwork features contrasting
colors set against a dark background, along with an in-your-face text treatment that gives this shirt serious attitude. The expression on our unlikely hero’s face says it all: that he is ready to kick some more Deadite butt!

CANDYMAN

The urban legend with a meat hook for a hand and a belly full of bees has come to terrifying life once again in this visually stunning T-shirt. If the gritty textures and
strong colors haven’t already gotten your attention, then Candyman’s intense gaze will surely hook you. But whatever you do, don’t say his name
five times in front of a mirror while wearing this shirt, because you just might end up being his next victim.

A very big thank you goes out to Ben from Fright Rags, who generously provided the shirts for this contest! So make sure you stop by his site to see the new designs, as well as his selection of other truly awesome movie-themed shirts.

“On my planet this shirt attracts the females of my species.”

I’m not what you call a proficient grocery shopper. I don’t stock up on coupons or scan through the Sunday paper looking for the latest deals on canned tuna and toasted Wheat Thins. I only know it’s time to shop when I can no longer make a full meal from the refrigerator’s remaining survivors.. usually some condiments, a jar of olives, and a box of baking soda. So putting on a coat over my PJ’s I’d head out for that late night grocery run.

Late nights food runs you’d often find the store empty of customers so it was difficult to even find a checkout lady to wave me over to her conveyor belt. This time I was forced to confront the newest shopping breakthrough that was the new self checkout machine. Hey I’m a man of the world, a technology connoisseur, I could surely conquer this fancy slot machine wanna-be. First the Cheetos bag wouldn’t scan and when it did, It told me I bought 25 bags worth forever bestowing me the title “the crazy Cheetos guy.” Then placing the items in the bag a condescending computer voice would keep telling me to “Please place the item in the bag”… “Oh you mean the item that’s already in the bag?” The computer didn’t seem to understand any sense of irony. My arms had grown weak from the numerous failed attempts at scanning some cantaloupe and the Fonzi method of banging the machine on the side didn’t seem to help any so eventually a technician had to show me where to put my crinkled dollar bills. Who would have thought groceries need IT support.

I thought technology was supposed to make things easier. When was it decided that “easier” was just do it yourself? Self-serve gas station, ATM banking, and self scanning checkout lines, these are advances in modern convenience? No I want someone else to do this for me because I’m American and laziness is my God given constitutional right. if you’re not going to give me a real person to do the job then at least give me a robot. This 2009 after all, I should have my own jetpack and hover car by now. I shouldn’t be standing in my PJ’s swipping cans of lima beans while a lady in a purple mu mu waits behind me with her big box of glazed chick peas. Next time I will just go when a friendly cashier lady is available that will gladly talk with me about the weather as she scans my groceries while perfectly bagging things so my bread isn’t crushed by the 2 gallon mayonnaise jar and bag of ice (Hey I like potato salad and it was hot that night.)

Speaking of ladies that excel at their jobs. Switchblade sisters introduces us to a gang of street-wise ladies called the Dagger Debs who’ve made a career at beating up elevator passengers and picking fights at the local Dairy Queen. The Debs are led by Lace, a high-strung snappy dresser who works out her dialog through clenched teeth like she’s got a case of lock jaw. She and her gal pals beat up a helpless landlord, go jay walking,  and then take a break at the ice cream shop. Here they run into a cute blondie named Maggie who is hogging one of their favorite seats. Maggie’s your sorta typical girl next door…if your typical girl is packin’ heat and has inner rage issues. Little do they know she’s the kind of girl that will cut you deep for even looking at her Oreo Blizzard the wrong way so she slices one of the gang members across the face with a knife. The police suddenly show up like a swat team before it can turn really ugly. Apparently a doughnut shop was very close by.

The Debs all end up in a juvenile detention center where some big burly lady wardens try to make the night moves on the new girls but end up getting the snot beat out of them instead. Maggie is finally freed from juvi-jail but has an even worse time on the outside when she’s raped by Lace’s boyfriend Dom. Dom is the leader of another powerful gang called the Silver daggers, a ruthless gang of thugs who resemble the cast from Welcome Back Kotter and enjoy playing billiards between felonies. Lace trusts Maggie and invites her to join the Debs not knowing that her and Dom just did the nasty at her apartment the night before. The resident cyclops “Patch” happily points out that Maggie has to be initiated first before becoming a true Deb and then starts whining about how she “lost her eye for this gang.” But really, how can you take a pirate seriously?

They send her on a mission to recover a toy prop necklace from a rival gang leader who goes by the unfortunate name of crabs. Great way to impress the ladies when you’re named after a venereal disease. Crab runs a fake community center where they give out narcotics under the disguise as vitamin pills so that he can buy even more hideous shirts for his wardrobe. Maggie stops by at their headquarters and  pretends to be attracted to Mr. Crabs which is probably the most impressive acting you’ll see in the whole film. In the middle of her seduction act she bites him on his Shootzle Deetzle, grabs the necklace and breaks through a office wall like the Koolaid man. Maggie returns to the Debs triumphant with her newly won trophy. Now there’s no questioning Maggie’s loyalty  with her ability to steal novelty prop jewelry.

Later on the Debs and the Daggers are vengefully ambushed by the Crab gang at the local rollerskating rink.  Lace gets punched in the baby maker whose oven was already preheated with Dom’s unborn kid and Dom gets a shotgun blast to the belly by the big Red Lobster himself. Maggie and Lace have to leave him to bleed to death in the center rink while Donna Summers music still blares on… a truly horrifying fate for anyone.

Maggie and Lace decide they want to avenge Dom’s death so they enlist some black power lady militants who drive pimped out armored Cadillacs and get their kicks making white hippies in disco shirts run and scream like little girls. I think that’s something anyone can really enjoy though. But not everything is as it seems there’s plot twists a plenty as jealously and secrets are threatening to destroy the gang. Who set up whom, who had an affair with who…who is loyal to whom. And when should the word whom actually be used in a sentence? It all ends up in a good old dance of death with switchblade divas giving us a great Shakespearean twist to this little exploitation romp.

Tarantino released this as his second film in his Rolling Thunder film series so be sure to check out his intro and outro on the DVD extras. His movie clerk geekiness clearly shows as he talks in great detail about the film and why they changed the name from The Jezebels to Switchblade Sisters. You can tell he was just up late one night at the videostore wired up on Jujubes and diet Coke while watching it. Also Keep an eye out for Don Stark who plays Hook. Yes it’s the same Don Stark that played Bob Picnciotti in that 70’s show and by gosh he still had the same hair and side burns. A great cheesy exploitation film, Retroman says check it out and be sure to be packin some heat.

- Multiple gang shootings
- 1 neck stabbing
- Medallion-fu
- Wacka-chicka-wacka fu
- Welcome Back Kotter doppelgangers
- Dairy Queen Dagger Queens
- Face plunging
- Swirly-fu
- Vita-van vandals
- Cadi-tanks
- Bellybutton ashtrays

Rated 8.9 out of 10

Check out the trailer for Switchblade Sisters

Our friends across the lake over in the U.K. have got some great high quality t-shirts for the movie geek in all of us. You can find great designs for Dusk til’ Dawn, Friday the 13th, Army of Darkness, Hellraiser, The Crow, Pulp Fiction and many more. Nerdoh offers top notch shirts that make in-film-reference that the true fan immediately recognzies. Wear one and show it off to your friends so you can look down at them for your obviously superior movie knowledge and fine fashion sense. Check out Nerdoh T-shirts today and remember to always shop Smart…Shop “S” Smart!

All of us here at Lost Highway graciously accept this truly awesome award given to us by Mykal over at Radiation Cinema. Mykal’s site is exploding with b-movie goodies from the Atomic Age, including many life saving video clips like one on how to survive a nuclear Fallout. So head on over to Radiation Cinema, but put on your radiation suit first.

In case you don’t know, here is a description about the award. “The Splash award is given to alluring, amusing, bewitching, impressive, and inspiring blogs.” Below are a few sites that we feel capture the essence of the Splash Award. Enjoy, and please support them!

Movie Meltdown

If you’re a movie geek who is passionate about movies, then I’ve found the perfect place for you that has other movie geeks. Each week this lively group of movie buffs get together to discuss a variety of movie related topics in a way that is both informative, and entertaining. First time listeners will surely become hooked after hearing one of their shows. This podcast is mics down one of the best, if not the best around.

Igloo of the Uncanny

The Igloo Keeper may be confined to an Igloo in the middle of nowhere, but he knows b-movies and his passion for these lost cinematic treasures is infectious. From black and white classics like Son of Frankenstein to contemporary films like Hell Boy 2, there is something for everyone on his site. Don’t forget to grab your winter coat before you journey over to the Igloo of the Uncanny.

Cinema Suicide

Bryan White and company run an absolutely wonderful site that champions the often shunned horror, exploitation and cult genres. The reviews are always top notch and written from a fan’s perspective, so you can definitely trust them. Also, the site easily has enough content to keep you busy for several hours. Be sure to visit Cinema Suicide for your daily fix of movie reviews, news and upcoming DVD releases.

“This has to be the worse salad bar I’ve ever seen.”

You know we’re living in a rough economy when even an American foundation like Playboy is struggling. They recently announced a net loss of 2.1 million dollars and they would have to lay off employees and tighten the company’s budget or face potential bankruptcy. I only wonder how is Hugh Hefner going to cut back? Will Playboy bunnies be forced to buy their own rabbit ears and sleazy lounge uniforms? Will there be less air brushing in the centerfolds? Will Hugh have to settle with only a couple girls on on his arms instead of the dozen or so buxom blondes normally surrounding him. It would be an American tragedy if he was forced to turn in the smoking jacket and pipe for a Walmart greeter uniform and smiley button flare. I mean how can this man survive in those conditions? The long established tradition of teenagers hiding their stash of Playboys under their mattresses is now at risk. Millions of them are at risk to be forced to read Sears underwear catalogs, playboy playmates out on the streets holding up signs that read “will tell you my likes and dislikes for food.” We simply can’t allow that to happen.

Speaking of men that  really like their melons, Charles Bronson plays Vince Majestyk, a Vietnam vet turn watermelon farmer and a collector of denim jackets and goofy hats. Vince is approached one day while working out in his fields by a scraggly Owen Wilson wanna-be named Bobby Copas. Bobby finds combing his hair difficult and likes to dress in cheap western wear while trying to talk farmers into hiring some of his gang of drunks and homeless. He’s sort of the used car dealers of cheap labor but Chuck Bronson will have no part of his shenanigans as he’s totally content with his $1 an hour illegal immigrant work force and smashes him in the groin with the end of his own shotgun. Now that’s how you negotiate a labor dispute. Majestyk has to serve some time at the county jail for that little fruit smashing incident and is worried about not being able to get his crops in on time but the sergeant doesn’t really care for fruit salad and makes him serve his sentence. While being transported on a prison bus along with a Mafia big fish, Frank Redna, a breakout attempt occurs along with big 70’s style shootout that gives Vince the chance to kidnap Frank and use him as leverage to help clear the charges against him. Though the thought of hiding out in a tiny cabin with a loud mouthed mobster might be a worser fate than any jail time. Frank is eventually picked up by his rail-thin girlfriend and Vince has to squeeze into the back seat of a 70’s Ford compact.

The drop off to the police doesn’t go as planned and Vince ends up tumbling out the backseat like a tossed watermelon into a ditch. Frank tries to shoot at him with typical bad guy accuracy and Vince easily escapes fleeing into the woods. Being the upright citizen Vince turns himself in to the police station only to find that Bobby Copas has dropped the assault charges against him so that he and his new Mafia friends can put some major hurt on Vince when he’s set free. Haven’t any of these guys ever seen a Death Wish movie?

With the help of a pretty immigrant union organizer named Nancy, Mr. Majestic goes back to his normal life of melon tossin’ and squinting in the sun until his workers start ending up getting bullied by Frank and company. Vince’s right hand man has his legs smashed, his workers are forced out of their homes at gunpoint, and policemen in Porta-Potties turn up dead…but that is barley even enough to curl his mustache.

The final straw is when a mobster hit squad shots up his watermelon crop with some semi machine guns while Vince is out putting the moves on La Senorita Nancy. Nothing makes a farmer angrier than a pointless melon massacre and he goes on a vengeful shooting spree against this gang of Gallagher impersonators. Finally, a fruit cup of justice is served. Some great cross country truck racing, cars getting pushed off cliffs, and a log cabin stand-off make the highlight reel in this 70’s film classic as Charlie Bronson becomes the ultimate watermelon vigilante. Retroman says check it out and don’t forget to spit out the seeds.

- 3 Shoot-outs
- 1 Mobster kidnapping
- Shotgun butt to the groin
- Multiple car chases and car explosions
- Water-melon-fu
- Drive by Porta-Potty attack
- 2 by 4 smack down
- Vehicular leg crushing

Rated 9.4 out of 10

My Uncle told me when I was a little kid if I didn’t spit out the watermelon seeds that a watermelon would grow in my stomach . So I thought that pregnant ladies were just carrying around watermelons in their bellies. So began my unhealthy fear of fruit…and of pregnant women.

Check out the trailer for Mr. Majestyk